Starting Over
Right now I sit in silence, enjoying the quiet before this evening’s slumber party festivities commence. I am looking forward to having a fun girl’s night with my dear friend Tanya and her two girls, Katarina (age 10) and Sofia (age 6). At the grocery store I purchased pizzas, ice cream and Twizzlers – all of the usual slumber party staples. I almost threw popcorn into that mix but decided that was a bit too over the top. Besides, I’d rather stuff my face with more ice cream.
I have completed a few more paintings and now have six finished. They will take some time to fully dry, so I am doing research on varnishes and continuing to work on other paintings in progress and begin new ones. There are still many times when I sit and stare at a canvas, not knowing what to paint, but all it takes is a reminder that I can always paint over anything I don’t like. One of my largest paintings – the one that marked the beginning of my letting go of doubt and anxiety and just enjoying the process (and loving the result) – is actually on a canvas that went through a number of layers before the final one. There is no erasing with oil painting, but there is always the option of just painting over and starting anew.
Is this a metaphor for life? If we embark upon a journey and don’t like what we see, what we are creating or what we are experiencing, can we just paint over it and start anew? In some ways, yes, but the layers underneath will always exist, even if they are not seen on the surface. I believe everyone has a story or experience that exists just beneath the surface and exerts a profound influence on their daily lives. I know this is true for me. There are certain experiences, both good and bad, that continue to guide me through so many of my decisions, choices and actions, from the seemingly mundane to more complex dilemmas and situations. As much as I possibly can, I try to stay focused on what my deepest priorities are and act in those best interests. It is not always easy or convenient, but I have learned time and again it is the best way to live. Once that focus is lost, it is all too easy to become lazy and indifferent. I feel blessed to have such convictions and priorities for which I am willing to work hard and even fight for. Life feels FULL and abundant with endless possibility.
Back and Forth
My internet connection continues to make me crazy by NOT WORKING. As I write this, I am hoping that whatever good internet fortune has blessed me for the past few hours will stay put so I can actually upload this new page.
I am only in LA for two days this week, and tomorrow I head up to Solvang for the rest of the week. My favorite kids in the world are on spring break this week, so it’s slumber party time at Chez Swirly tomorrow night. I expect a lot of sugar, silly movies and – call me crazy – but I think glitter might make an appearance as well. One never knows when GIRLS are involved.
There are times that I feel a bit scattered living between two homes. There are certain things I have only in LA and certain things I only have in Solvang. That is usually fine, but during weeks like this, where I will be spending more time up there, I struggle with how much stuff I want to take with me. What if I want to paint this weekend? Or knit? Watch a certain movie or read a certain book? I know I cannot bring everything, and that there will be plenty of times when I will just have to accept that I cannot do certain things at either home simply because I can’t haul bags and boxes and books back and forth every week. I’m trying to simplify my journey back and forth as much as possible, but sometimes that is rather challenging. Instead of wallowing in the frustration, however, I feel thankful that I have so many interests and passions. Boredom is not a word that exists in my vocabulary anymore.
I have not had TV in more than three years now, and it is one of the greatest things I have done for myself. Ironically, I know that if I got cable TV I would watch it all the time, and that is why I refuse to sign up for it. It is kind of a drag that I miss things like the Olympics and programs such as The Daily Show, but I have gotten to the point where I am a tad superstitious. I am afraid that if I get TV, my life will spiral downward, and all the things I now enjoy doing instead of watching TV, such as painting, reading, sketching, watching movies and writing, will get lost in a static haze. I know that is a pretty extreme perspective, but I have been so full of creative energy over the past few years and I feel very protective of that. I believe I must nurture all the parts of my life that are keeping that creative flame in my heart alive and burning.
P.S. I have never played a musical instrument in my life, but this past weekend I decided to learn how to play the cello. My first lesson is Friday. Stay tuned.
Just Do It
As you may have read in my previous entry, my internet connection has been decidedly TWITCHY this week. I never know if an email I’ve just written will actually get sent or if updates to my website will actually get uploaded because my connection craps out at random moments throughout each day – and usually at the most inconvenient times. Yesterday I actually had a long streak of things working smoothly, and I was able to upload a new series of collages on my site called "The SHE Series". It is a work in progress, and I decided it was better to put up what I have and continue to add to it rather than wait until I have some magic number of images. There is more work to do on my website – more illustrations to add, a new section I want to create highlighting some of my favorite LA places and a few other things. Sometimes I wonder why I enjoy working on this site so much. I mean, it’s not like I’m getting PAID for it or anything! I suppose it is simply the act of expressing all that I am experiencing in my life – wanting to share as much as I can and inspire anyone who happens to stumble upon this site, just as I am inspired by so many other artistst and writers and wanderers who open up to the world through their websites.
Whatever creative idea you might have swirling around in your head today – GO DO IT. Or take just one small step towards it if it is too big of an idea to do all at once. There are no rules, requirements or judges for most creative endeavors. There is only the act of creating, and you have absolutely nothing to lose by diving in and doing it. Forget about what anyone else might think of it or what it might look like in the end – just let go and enjoy the process. IT IS WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS MOST.
Technology
Oh, the joys of technology – the convenience! The speed! The access to information, people and ideas! And the RELIABILITY! Why, it’s simply -
HOLD ON…not so fast there, Sparky…
I returned to LA last night to find my internet connection was not working and decided I’d just deal with it in the morning. So this morning I got up and managed to get the internet up and running – for a while – and promptly discovered my phone has no dial tone, something that has been happening on and off for a few weeks. It is now 7:00pm and I still have no phone and a very unstable internet connection, but my computer is showing a strong airport signal and telling me I DO have a connection. Everytime I click on the airport signal icon I am shown a list of all available networks, and every single click I make brings up a different list of networks, so my theory is that there are simply too many laptops in our neighborhood, all working on wireless connections, and my computer is getting confused.
I get confused enought as it is. If my computer is going to start getting confused as well I am in BIG TROUBLE.
Looking Back in Time
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! This is a four-leaf clover found in a forest of redwoods near Mendocino, CA in June 2004.
Today I spent quite some time in my car, which is not at all unusual for someone who lives in LA, but I try to avoid driving around this city as much as possible. It is a bit of a hair-raising experience. I’ve grown so accustomed to life in Santa Ynez – where everything is no more than ten minutes away on a beautiful road with little or no other cars – that I feel like a fish out of water driving around here. Still, I am so addicted to the honey-vanilla lattes at Urth Caffe in Santa Monica I actually added to my car time today by heading over to Main Street to get my fix. As I was entering the downtown area there was a decent amount of traffic, and a lot of people. As I passed the pubs and bars – crowded with revelers in green – I had my "Aha" moment. Actually it was more of a "Duh" moment – realizing the crowds were out in full force to party it up on St. Patrick’s Day.
I had to smile driving past the party-goers, thinking of how, not so long ago, I used to take full advantage of such a fun excuse to get crazy and party like a rock star. One year I spent St. Patrick’s Day in Savannah, GA with three other college girlfriends during our college spring break, and we drank pretty much all day and all night. I shake my head in bewilderment when I think of this now – how on earth did I survive such days and nights of debauchery?
I have had a ton of fun throughout my life, and find it interesting to look back at what I see are different selves in different periods of my life. I had a dream a few years ago where I was looking down into a coffin and crying. The person inside the coffin was me, and I kept reaching into the coffin to take small things – a ring, a charm, a picture – things I wanted to keep out of nostalgia or as a way to hold onto something I was losing. This dream was not about my real death; it was about my saying good-bye to an old self. I was going through a huge transformation in my life when I had this dream, and I found it sad but also freeing. I was sad to let go of this old self, but I knew I had to do it, and I knew that by releasing this former self I would make room for new experiences and a new way of looking at the world. Every so often it is necessary to shed our old skin and see what lies beneath.
Driving past the pubs in Venice today I knew I had no desire to relive those days of wild nights drinking green beer, but I’m glad I had them. During that period in my life, it was time to act wild, reckless and a little bit irresponsible. Today I am still a little bit wild, but not nearly as reckless and I have quite a lot of grown-up responsibilities. But I also have a lot of freedoms I did not have before and I have fun in a lot of remarkable ways. I do not wish I could go back or turn back time. I am content right where I am, even though pretty much anyone can drink me under the table.
On Two Wheels
A group of lovely yellow flowers. Taken some time ago. Notice the bee in the upper left area.
After a few days of grayness and clouds, the sun has decided to return, and I am so thankful. The last five days have had a little bit of everything weather-wise. I left Venice Thursday with a gray sky. Then Friday morning I awoke in Santa Ynez to a beautiful blue sky and decided to go on a bike ride. About ten miles into it – with nowhere to go except continuing the way I was going – I was cranky and yelling bad words. Thank goodness I was on a busy road with cars whizzing by so no one could hear me and think I was some kind of lunatic. The stretch of road I was on had a head wind that was miserable, and the sun was beating down on me, so I was not a happy camper. It was only a 15-mile ride, which I can usually do without much trouble, but I barely made it home. Two days later it was gray, cool and almost drizzly, but I set out on my bike anyway and finished 30 miles feeling better than my previous ride. Funny how the weather can make one ride feel twice as long as it really is and the other half as long. Wind is not always a cyclist’s friend.
I have been a cyclist for most of my life. As a little girl, I lived on my bike and my skateboard. I was also crashing a lot, and was rarely without a Band-Aid. I did not ride much between high school and when I moved to California, but for the past eight years or so I have stayed with it pretty consistently. I have a love-hate relationship with exercise and working out, but after any long break I usually end up back in my running shoes or on my bike. Even during long stretches where I don’t exercise regularly, I am at least cycling now and then. In Santa Ynez I am in cycling heaven, with multiple beautiful rides that have little or no traffic. Lance Armstrong and his team even train there – riding right by our house, in fact.
I had a serious bike accident in 1999 when I was training to do the AIDS Ride from San Francisco to LA. I was in a back brace for three months and physical therapy another three months, and I didn’t ride for a year or so after that. I kept feeling afraid I would get hit by another car, and that I had used up my good fortune by not getting killed by the first one. My friend Carol helped me approach it from a different place, and I still think of it. She explained that I just needed to go back to considering by bike as my friend and my playmate. I needed to just spend time with it, take it for a walk and then take it for a spin. Once I looked at that way, it was easy to remember why I loved cycling so much in the first place, and why it was so important I get back into it. Cycling was my friend, and considering I only got hit by a car once in all the thousands of miles I had traveled on my bike throughout my life, chances are I’d be just fine. So far so good.
Surfing
I have this tendency to find out about a website and bookmark it, thinking I’ll go back to it within a few hours or days to explore it further. Instead, what happens is that every now and then I look at my bookmarks menu and wonder when or how I ever found half of the sites marked and what the hell they are. As I start to click on the links, I am reminded of their source and why I wanted to save them. Sometimes they are for really unique jewelry or purses, and sometimes they are for extraordinary artists. Tonight as I was browsing my list of bookmarks, I came across kurthalsey.com and I was transfixed. Honestly, I have no idea how I initially found his site, but I ended up looking through every single image and page on his site and am so inspired by his images. His site will definitely now become a regular pit stop for me.
I also received an email from a hip chick named Nancy Bockoven who has a site called artandletter.com. She has asked to feature some of my artwork on her site, and after exploring page after page, I am quite thrilled at the idea of being included in it. Another bookmarked site which I have actually visited quite a few times just because it is kind of a kick is colostrology.com, created by Pantone. Ah, the wonders of the internet!
I actually LOVE the internet, even though I do not usually spend much time "surfing". I use the web mainly as a resource – I have been known to look up everything from recipes for ambrosia to quotes on wine to movie trivia. I have come to rely on Google to help me find just about anything. Beyond using the web for such practical matters, I also love it on nights like tonight, when I happen to have an evening to myself and I’m in the mood to just sit still with my laptop. Nights where I actually have time to read online journals, browse collections of paintings and illustrations, and follow links from site to site to see where I end up. I always make some kind of new wonderful discovery when I take time to do this – usually another artist who gives me the gift of a totally new way of looking at things.
Life in Venice
I went rollerblading along the Venice boardwalk yesterday and listened to the soundtrack of the film "Amelie" as I maneuvered my way through tourists, cyclists, girls on skateboards and other wanderers. The music is very whimsical and happy, and I skated along with a great big smile, marveling at the wonder of life in this kooky part of the world. On my journey from Muscle Beach to the Santa Monica Pier, I passed street performers, artists, a man in a clown suit, and a woman in a mink coat. There was color everywhere, and everyone seemed to be a good mood. As I skated along, I simply could not believe this is my life – with all its disappointments and imperfections – this is my life. I must have done something really great in another life, because this is entirely too much fun.
Monday
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Cloud formations in Los Angeles. Taken March 4, 2005 in Venice, CA.
I am all packed up and ready to head back down to LA this morning. Honestly I don’t feel like making the drive. It is a lovely drive, indeed, but my week has turned out to be fairly busy work-wise and I am eager to dive into all of my different projects. It is astounding how different I feel about living in LA now that we are in a home we love. Before we moved I was so antsy to leave LA every Friday, and every Monday as we pulled out of the driveway in Solvang I felt a tiny bit of sadness, wishing I didn’t have to leave. But now I am ready to get back down there and dive into work – because I can actually focus on work and enjoy it. I still love this peaceful valley, of course, but it is a relief not to feel like it is the only place that feels like home to me.
My challenge now is to manage my time as well as possible in order to create as much as possible. I have many different projects going on – new design clients, my book, a new series of illustrations, a new series of paintings and a painting a dear friend has commissioned me to do. I need to make sure my days are organized and focused or I risk becoming overwhelmed and scattered and then nothing gets done. When I start to go down the road of overwhelm, that is usually when I decide to go do something fairly useless, like buy shoes. Although I did get a pair of fabulous pumps with a leopard print on them last week. Perhaps buying shoes is not totally useless, but it certainly isn’t helping me accomplish anything on my to do list. Maybe I just need to adjust my to do lists now and then, and add "Buy a pair of hot shoes" once in a while. Then again, I’m a GIRL after all, so "Buy a pair of hot shoes" is basically always on my mental to do list.
Happy Birthday Sofia
My Best Buddy Sofia – this picture was actually taken quite a while ago, but it has always been one of my favorites. Taken in January 2004 in Solvang, CA.
It is hard to believe Miss Sofia is six years old. I saw Sofia being born, and it was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. She is a soulmate, indeed, and brings me so much joy I can hardly stand it. She also has a rock star of a big sister named Katarina who is on her way to being the next Mia Hamm, a big brother named Gabby who blows me away with his analytical mind and a younger brother named Nicolas – my godson – who is basically Bam-Bam with dark hair and a wicked sense of humor. What on earth will they be up to ten, twenty years from now? No one knows, but it is going to be an amazing journey to witness.
