A painting in progress (although I think it is just about done). Taken in Venice, CA April 7, 2005.

My head and my heart have been working overtime this week. I am dealing with a certain frustrating situation – and that is putting it mildly – in my personal life and have been trying to figure out how to deal with it so that it causes as little damage as possible to myself, my work and my relationships. I had a particularly bad morning yesterday, but as the day progressed my spirits lifted, in no small part to the painting I worked on, shown above. I had a dream a few years ago with owls in it that has stayed with me ever since but this is the first time I have painted one. I had been working on it for quite some time, doing the work up close. I turned to do something on my computer – which is a few feet away – and when I looked back at the painting from this little bit of distance I was taken aback. I almost couldn’t believe I had created it, especially considering the mood I was in when I first sat down at my easel. Funny what comes out of you when you don’t think you have anything in you.

As I was painting this, I was thinking a lot about forgiveness. The film "Magnolia" is not a very happy movie, but I love the way it illustrates the theme of forgiveness in its series of intertwining stories. At the end of the film one of the characters asks, "What are you willing to forgive?" I have had to ponder this question over and over again during the past few years – about other people and myself as well – and I continue to be called upon to pick it up and examine it closely. Beyond just examining it, I am also challenged to dig deep into myself and grant forgiveness in situations where it is almost excrutiating difficult to let go of feelings of anger, injustice, hurt feelings and betrayal. There are some situations where I let go of any negative emotions and feelings, but stop short of actually saying the words, "I forgive you" or "I forgive —" and reach out my hand to re-establish whatever bond was broken. I have also granted forgiveness, reached out and been flatly rejected, and this is a terrible sting. It is in those situations that I feel the most unresolved and stuck.

Yesterday I was feeling very sad and angry, and while I don’t feel that today I am still asking myself the question of what I am willing to forgive. What battles are worth fighting, what relationships are worth my very best efforts, what friends would fight the same battle for me? I have learned the importance of releasing anger as quickly as possible, so I don’t worry about anger taking over my heart and poisoning my ability to work through this problem rationally, but it is still a difficult process. What is important to me now is that I push my limits and challenge myself, to reach in new places and see where this takes me.