Everything Shifts
The aftermath of last week’s slumber party – Sofia and Katarina the next morning. Taken in Santa Ynez, CA on March 31, 2005.
I have to admit I am an email junkie. I am on my computer for most of the day, and I check email constantly. When my internet connection was acting flaky a couple of weeks ago, it drove me nuts not being able to see my messages, send them and keep up with the few websites I visit regularly. When I was in the 8th grade my motto was "I want my MTV" and now it is "I want my EMAIL."
One of the reasons why I love email so much is that, unlike snail mail, most of it is personal and therefore something I actually want to read. Even my business and work-related emails are a source of pleasure, because it is easy to discuss projects and brainstorm ideas. I also love the instant gratification aspect of it, and that sometimes I’ll send an email to a friend and then with one more click they have responded right back. I get a kick out of knowing we are both on email and "chatting" back and forth. (I have tried Instant Messaging but actually found that a bit TOO distracting and instant.) Another reason I love email is because you never know what kind of surprise you might find in your email mailbox every time you click on "Check Messages". I have received emails from all over the world, from people I’ve never met, from friends I haven’t seen in years and from other surprising souls. Little gifts on my computer screen.
This morning I received a wonderful email from an artist and writer I’ve admired for quite some time, Keri Smith. It is funny about the industry I’m in – this gift/greeting card/inspirational book world. For many years it was a world I saw and coveted from the outside, but I am now very aware of the fact that I live in this universe. I either know of or know personally many artists and writers who have been published numerous times, been on Oprah, and get 90,000 hits a day on their website, and I know they know of me. I smile when I think of this, and of how strange it still is in some ways that I had this wild dream and am now living it everyday. My dream has morphed and changed and is in a huge state of UNKNOWN right now, but I managed to do well enough with my work to be a part of this world where so many creative and inspiring souls exist, each with his or her own visions, flaws, gifts, and light. This has been one of the most wonderful aspects of this experience – this feeling of connectedness with all these other dream weavers. It is one of the greatest things about following a dream – you can’t help but find others on a similar path who have a deep understanding of what you are going through.
When I re-designed this website it was meant as a symbol of a shift I have been going through as an artist and a woman over the past few years, the last year in particular. The transition came about as the result of a very painful period in my personal life – a period that forced me to shed my old skin and say good-bye to an old self. I grew more fully into my most authentic self and I feel much wiser for the experience, but I also lost a certain innocence and a certain way of looking at the world, and I still sometimes struggle with the sadness of this. I have touched upon this before in my online journal, and have been wary of sharing "too much" lest I scare people off or make them think I’m being too negative. But deep down I have trusted that given the choice, most people would prefer honesty, especially since I still very much believe in the power of dreams and working hard to make them real even though it hasn’t always been an easy road. Anyone who has emailed me since the launch of my new site has specifically acknowledged my honesty and told me how much they appreciated it. This has been a tremendous gift, and I am happy that I am continuing to inspire others even though my message is being expressed slightly differently these days than it was when I first started Swirly.
Sometimes there is darkness and sometimes there is sadness, but even in those moments there can be beauty, and just like everything else life, they won’t last forever.
Cello Lessons
I had my first cello lesson Friday afternoon. My teacher – an extraordinary cellist named Nona Pyron – started me off with the basics. She showed me all of the parts of the cello and then taught me how to hold the bow and move it across the strings. It felt very different to move the bow across each string, and also very different to move the bow across all four strings from one end of the bow to the other. Just holding the bow correctly and keeping a straight line as I move it across the strings is going to take plenty of practice. My thumb and fingers have to be correctly placed, my elbow has to maintain a certain level and my wrist has to do most of the work. Through all of this, I have to be relaxed about it. Nona has already started drilling into me the mantra "If it isn’t relaxed, it’s WRONG."
We then moved on to the notes of each string. In a cello, from left to right – if you are looking at a cello – it goes C, G, D, A. I remember it by saying "Christine Goes Diving Alone." Just as we were about to delve into my left hand – which works on the neck of the cello – we realized our time was up and I couldn’t believe it. It was as if only five minutes went by.
I am diving into an entirely new world, and it is very exciting. On my drive home from my lesson I was grinning the whole way, feeling adventurous and ever so slightly rebellious. I mean, who am I to take up the cello? I’ve never learned anything musical in my life, I already have enough to do, and it isn’t as if I’m ever going to be good enough to join the LA Philharmonic. I don’t even know if a cello will fit in my two seater car! But here I am, taking this on, and feeling like I’ve won the lottery with a teacher like Nona.
This week I am going to get a cello. I will start off renting one for the first few months just to make sure I really love it and want to stick with it. I have been practicing the movements of holding and moving the bow this weekend, but once I have a cello I will officially begin my practice routine. This week will be about playing – just getting comfortable holding the bow and getting a feel for moving the bow across the strings.
The mantra I often use when I am drawing or painting – "Be willing to do it badly" – applies perfectly to this endeavor as well. I suppose that can be applied to pretty much anything in life, and I think it is valuable because it gives us permission to make mistakes and perhaps even look foolish. Life is messy, and if we let ourselves get paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes or doing something less than perfect it will be difficult to try anything new or take a risk. I wouldn’t say playing the cello is a risky behavior, but it will be a long while before I am actually making music, and in the meantime I might as well be a five year old trying to learn the alphabet. It is the same experience, because I know so very little about music and I am a totally blank slate. But I love that blank-ness and, unlike a child, I love the awareness of learning something totally new and having an entirely different part of myself suddenly become filled up in a way I have never experienced before. I am a leaf in a river, just letting the current take me to a whole new world.
Happy Birthday Tanya!
Swirly & the Birthday Girl. Taken in Solvang, CA December 10, 2004.
Today is a day to celebrate the birth of an amazing woman – Tanya Rocha. This past Christmas I gave Tanya a t-shirt with the word "Superhero" on it, as she is a Wonder Woman in many ways. She has been by my side through the best times and worst times, let me watch her give birth to two of her four children, named me godmother of her youngest and always makes me feel like part of her family. She is also the kind of friend who doesn’t let me get away with any crap and tells me the truth even if it isn’t exactly what I want to hear. This honesty is a real gift, and I count on her to tell it to me straight and inform me when I’m being a wanker.
Today is for Tanya – for her passion, sense of humor, creativity and Superhero-ness. Happy Birthday, my dear friend. I LOVE YOU!!!
