Cranky
July 22, 2005
I’m not sure why, but I’ve been on the verge of tears all afternoon. Strangely enough, I can almost pinpoint the exact moment I turned the corner from good mood to cranky mood this afternoon. I was able to escape the dark cloud for a little bit this evening at dinner thanks to a couple of glasses of Pinot Noir, but here I am again feeling blue. I am up at our house in Solvang for the weekend. We haven’t been here in three weeks because of our recent trip to Tokyo, and it is of course wonderful to enjoy the peace and quiet. But being here these days is a tad bit tortuous, since our house is for sale and any day now will no longer be ours. I sit here and it still feels like home, but at the same time it is for sale, so in a way it doesn’t feel like mine anymore. So many conflicting emotions.
I am still just a teensy bit off of my normal sleep routine due to jet lag, so I am awake on my own for a little while longer while my love slumbers in the next room. I have been browsing my favorite websites and online journals. I can’t help but pay attention to the fact that the majority of them obviously receive a lot more traffic than my site, as evidenced by the fact that I get, at most, 1-2 comments on my entries, while these others are getting 21 comments, 18 comments, 54 comments. And then I start wondering – what am I doing all of this for? Is it even worth all the effort and energy I put into my site? Is what I am writing interesting? Maybe not, and that is why I don’t have a lot of visitors and/or comments. I know it is foolish to compare myself with other artists and writers (especially ones I admire so deeply) – to do this does not serve me at all. I think because I am having a difficult time trying to figure out where I belong in LA, as an artist, here in Solvang and in the world in general – because so much of my life and so many of my relationships are still in a state of transition – I am in a mindset of trying to figure what is real, genuine, meaningful and worthwhile in my life. Knowing how much effort I put into creating a site that is interesting, informative and heartfelt I get disheartened thinking that it isn’t actually being seen by that many people.
On the other hand, the people who are coming to visit are people I adore. Is my goal to have it be seen by as many people as possible? Would I rather have a few comments by people I know, love, adore, admire and respect or piles of comments from people I feel no connection to? What is this about? Wanting to be SEEN? HEARD? KNOWN? I have to face these questions honestly and look at what this is really about for me. Ego? Vanity? Selfishness? Fear?
As I re-read this, I am considering tossing this entry. Logging off and going to bed and not allowing so much of myself be seen in this journal. If I don’t post it, I don’t risk coming across as a whiner. If I don’t post it, I don’t risk not having all the answers, being totally together, with it, having it all figured out. If I don’t post it I don’t risk being seen as insecure. My entries from Tokyo were so full of confidence and brave energy – how can one possibly go from one such extreme to another? Maybe because in Tokyo I was in an entirely new place where no one knew me and my only job was to explore. Here – in this house that I love so much that is for sale – I have to face something much more. I have to face myself, and my fears, my anger, my sadness and my frustrations. Here I can’t leave the building, jump on a subway and be distracted by a new adventure. Here there is only quiet. I am here in my living room alone, with the crickets humming outside, and there is nothing to distract me. Do I dare to be as honest as I possibly can? Do I dare?
I may be just one person but I sincerely love your posts and the full range of emotions and insights you share on them. Four mornings a week I trudge off to a job that I am far less than in love with but need to be at for $ and to become licensed as a psychotherapist. So I get to work and before I check any of the things I’m “supposed to” I read my favorite blogs- yours being one of them!-and I’m always grounded and inspired by what you write and the questions you ask yourself. I’ve told several of my closest friends about your blog since I found it and I know they feel the same as well. As someone who is considering moving back to Los Angeles because I miss my family and friends there so much, I also find your struggles about L.A. itself very similar to my own. The city is such a mix of wonderful and awful qualities, isn’t it?
I, for one, hope you keep posting and writing. Your readership is only going to grow!
I feel your pain swirly girl! You are not alone in your thoughts of “where am I headed” and “does anyone know I’m here?” People do know you’re here, I try to make sure of it daily! I love your blog and read it each and everyday!! And I tell people about you too! I so looked forward to your travel essays in Tokyo and I think you have a wonderful way of putting your thoughts into eloquent, insightful words.
I too am at a point in my life where I don’t quite know where it’s headed. I want to take my craft and just pursue it with no thoughts of turning back. But then the bills start to pile up! You’re brave for taking this adventure and I look forward to seeing where you go!
hi honey. i’m sorry you are blue. i’m with alex, please let me see your range of real emotions rather than a tidy image of a sparkly dancing queen. i woke this morning with one word on my mind: expectations. ooh lordie how we do get all tangled amongst them. what could open if you allowed yourself to be imperfect you? i love sparkly dancing queen YOU! but i truly value imperfect whining you, because i get to witness your glorious process of moving through the things that challenge you. you are so valuable to me! if you had ditched this post, i would have to give you ‘what for’. keep transforming in your own beautiful way, butterfly. xoxoxoxo
Hi Christine,
Last week I changed my homepage to your journal!
Your “disappointment” in the perceived lack of feedback is understandable as you do put a lot of effort into your journal and what you write is often thought provoking and always engaging. I actually believe that now that people are able to leave comments you will get more with time and I am sure Alex is right in that your readership will grow!
As a distant admirer of your eloquent musings and great photos I hope that you won’t ever stop sharing your travels, be they physical or emotional, with us.
Whatever transition you are going through now and in the future, my impression is that one thing is for sure: you have found your authenticity and your own style. The blueprint is there and will only evolve and unfold beautifully from here.
“Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see a bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses.” (Dale Carnegie)
Take care, Kerstin
I love your blog ! I relate so much to all you are going through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and moods. You are not alone.
Christine,I read your blog everyday.And I have your book. You are Awesome!
My goal is not to be a celebrity, to be famous, to be loved the world over or to be put on a pedestal. My goal is to live an authentic life and for whatever I create – a painting, my career, my home, a journal entry – to be positive, inspiring and maybe even a little bit interesting and thought-provoking. I also want – above all else – to be honest. I appreciate so, so much the fact that I can be completely honest in this journal, share my weaker, “less flattering” moments and, in turn, receive more encouragement to keep going in this direction. Over the past year in particular I have learned the absolute necessity of being present in the here and now, and it is moments like this – like this particular morning when I am reading everyone’s comments – that feed me, lift me and inspire me.
It seems m’dear, you have fallen into the dreaded comment trap. (I was going to warn you about it the day you put the comments up.)
Happens to the best of us. I too have (and still do) compulsively compare my comments to others. The thing that is so wonderful about this medium, is also the thing I despise…. feedback. On one hand it is amazing to have it given that our chosen professions require us spending long hours alone, it also gives me a reason to write regularly (you are now accountable). The downside is when we think too much about the audience and use it as a marker for our success, (this applies to books too, I also have been known to check my amazon stats way too much.) Ugh, I hate admitting this stuff. The worst outcome is that our writing becomes affected, catered, influenced by who is reading. It does not make for good work, but instead work that is contrived and inauthentic.
So if I am to sit with this feeling, why do I feel the need to compare? The answer, at some level I have a competitive nature, always striving to do great things, and I always want people to like me. This is an ugly truth that I do not like to admit to myself, in fact I didn’t even acknowledge it until this last year. At the root of it? At some level I fear there is not enough to go around, that other people are better than me, that I’m not doing it “right”. At some level I would like to control my own success, so if I can just know what other’s are doing…
But the real truth that comes out of the deepest knowing of my gut is this…
…that if I am able to go deeper into the stuff of who I am, and the things I need to say (instead of focusing all of the time on what other’s are doing), and send THAT out into the world, THAT is the good stuff, THAT is what people respond to, THAT is the root of success (whatever success is), radical, honest, uncensored, naked, unapologetic ME.
Fuck it.
THAT is why you are here. writing. living, dreaming, painting, showing us your blemishes.
THAT is why we love you.
you’re doing it.
I know for a fact that you will continue to create whether people come here to read it or not, (she says with a smirk).
that is what it means to be an artist.
please don’t stop writing! we are on opposite coasts but i feel so close to you with these journal entries. over the years we have experienced similar struggles, joys, tears, etc and now is no different. i think you have it all together and know exactly where you’re headed and you think i do…when in reality we’re all questioning, wondering…is this the right path, what if i turn left or right, will it take me where i need to be. please keep sharing your entries, you inspire and encourage me and i’m sure many others.
Hi Christine.
I have been a long time frequenter of your blog – and I love it!
So often it provides the perfect little ‘pill’ for me as I set upon my day- or as I sit reflecting on the day, preparing for bed..
Maybe you do have as many people enjoying your site- maybe they’re just a little bit more quite! =)
So often it seems like you touch on the very same questions which are filling my head-
But I, personally have never left a comment before, because, to me, it feels as though nothing else needs to be said, you say it perfectly.
So please- keep on keepin on!
Surely this blog (although I’D dearly miss it!) is much more about you and your internal processes anyhow??
Take care
-Sally Jane-
I love your journal…it is very inspirational to me!
I love your journal: long-time reader, first time “poster”. Your trip to Japan really inspired me! Thank you for all the great pictures!
Moving is one of the toughest things in life, but it is usually only a short-term pain. Good Luck!