The orange glow from a mulit-colored disco light at a birthday party last weekend.  Taken in Solvang, CA July 23, 2005.

It is funny how an idea, dilemma or other conundrum comes to the forefront of your brain the instant you share it with the world, and perhaps feel a little bit like an idiot.  After I posted yesterday’s entry on my frustrations with trying to maintain a healthy balance between my work life and my personal life, I felt kind of silly.  First of all, things like errands and weddings are a fact of life, so there is no use in me complaining about it.  Second of all, I managed to build a very successful greeting card business not so long ago, for which I was insanely organized and got huge to do lists finished everyday.  When I faced these truths, however, I still found myself back at square one with the question of why I am having such a hard time finding discipline and balance.

I looked at my life when I was very organized and got a lot done work-wise, my life now, and the events that occurred in between.  And then my current problem started to make a bit more sense, as I started to see that a big part of my difficulties these days are most likely resulting from FEAR.  It is so simple, and I am surprised I haven’t seen this sooner, but I suppose it just took a little more attention on my part before I could make the connections.  I think there is a big part of me that is afraid to put anything except my personal priorities first.  A few years ago my personal life fell completely apart, I lost just about everything, and it took months and months to recover.  It is an experience I learned a great deal from, but never want to go through again.  This did not happen because I was too focused on work or career, but it did happen because I did not have my priorities in clear focus.  Now that my priorities are on a giant billboard in my brain – never far from consciousness – I think I am afraid that if I do too much that might take away from those I will lose everything I value most again.

I need to remember that these two areas of my life are very closely connected and intertwined, and that by keeping a healthy balance between both I will be serving both.  My work is who I am, and I work for myself, so it isn’t as if devoting more time to work-related endeavors is really "taking away" from the priorities that are of a more personal nature.  I need to remember that making my work, career, art and creativity a priority I will still be keeping my most important priorities intact.