It is so interesting what our bodies do to tell us we are on to something and are on the right track to making a new discovery about ourselves.  For me this evening, this has meant watching a documentary about Joni Mitchell and weeping throughout the film.  There was something about her talent, her unwavering commitment to her artistic vision and integrity, and the very difficult choices that she sometimes had to make in order to stay on her chosen path that made me very emotional.  At first I couldn’t figure out why I was reacting so strongly, but as I thought about it I made an extraordinary revelation.

I have mentioned in previous entries about a "mystery opportunity" that was presented to me many weeks ago.  It is a wonderful business idea that I believe would be not only wildly successful but would also give this crazy city of LA a unique creative boost.  There is no doubt in my mind I could make it work and the only thing that has held me back from diving in is the question of whether or not it is actually what I want to do.  I only recently made the choice to end my freelance work in order to focus on painting and writing, and if I make the commitment to pursue this other venture, that focus would most definitely move to the back burner.

For all these weeks I believed that this was the ultimate question – do I want to create, build and run this business with a partner or do I want to pursue a career as a fine artist and writer?  I also believed that my fears were only centered on the most basic issues relating to this question – fears that I won’t have time to paint, that I will lose what tiny shred of momentum I am beginning to build, that I won’t finish my book, etc.  What I realized tonight was so much deeper than these questions and issues, and now that I am cognizant of it I see all the choices before me in an entirely different light.

What I discovered is that my greatest fear is that if I choose to pursue this business – where I will be called upon to be very business-minded, numbers-oriented, organized and fiscally focused – I will not only lose this wild, creative passion that has only recently been re-ignited but I will also risk losing the partnership, family and home I have worked so hard to build over the past few years.  When I was married, many of my greatest priorities centered around Swirly and building that business.  I wouldn’t say I was a workaholic, but I managed my life without a certain level of awareness of what was most important and, as stupid as it sounds, my marriage drifted away without my even realizing it.  Towards the end, much of that drifting occurred because I was in such a state of depression and in denial about the state I was in, but that quilt began its strange weave years before that when I started my own business.

I do not believe my business caused my marriage to end; I have never looked at it that way.  But it is hard not to make associations – as irrational or untrue as they may be – when pondering the times in my life that I consider successes and times that I consider failures.  Swirly = success.  Marriage to M = failure.  The two coincided, so I suppose on some level I internalized that, but was never aware I made that specific connection and therefore never examined it.  Now that the veil has been lifted off this part of my sub-conscious, I find it very curious and rather mind-blowing.

I am in a place creatively that is deeper, wilder and more passionate than I have ever been.  Each day I go into my studio I come out a little bit different, even if it is a day where all I do is varnish my pieces.  My work is evolving week by week, and I continue to break down barriers as an artist.  With every piece I get bolder and braver, more willing to totally f*** up a piece for the sake of pushing my boundaries.

The same is true in my relationship with my fiancee.  With him, I have a deeper passion, commitment and partnership than I have ever shared with anyone.  I have been with him for four years now and I still look at him and melt.  As terrified as I am of losing him and being devastated by that loss, I continue to get bolder and braver for the sake of pushing my boundaries and opening my heart further to him.

Will I really lose these parts of my life if I pursue this new business?  Will the responsibility of owning and running a new business pull too much of that unbridled creative fuel out of my system, causing my deepest artistic engines to putter out over time?  Will it take too much attention away from the kind of marriage I want to build with this man?  Is this where I want to focus my time, energy and talents, after all the difficult lessons I learned and all the priorities I finally got in order after my divorce?  Will this business reflect those priorities?  These are the questions I must examine.  I am still not sure what the answers are, and I won’t until I remove fear from the equation.  Whatever conclusions I come to, I must come to them as honestly as possible, and without fear.

What a strange discovery, yet not altogether surprising.  More than anything, it feels like the missing piece of a puzzle I have been trying to figure out all these weeks.  This was the clue I needed; this is the key that I believe will open the door to what will be the very best possible decision.

What a wonderful problem to have.  It is challenging, indeed, but I feel so blessed that these options are before me.  Not only do I have wonderful choices, but I also have the gift of just a wee bit of wisdom, hard won from past mistakes, failures, joys, triumphs, fumbles and victories.  Wish me luck.

"I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall.
I really don’t know life at all."
-Joni Mitchell