Best Buddies Swirly & Sofia.  The love between these two could keep all the world’s generators going for decades and send rockets to Saturn.  Taken in Solvang, CA September 17, 2005.

"One door closes, another door opens.  But I think sometimes we have to reach out and open the door ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily open on its own, and for me today it is about opening the door myself, turning the creaky knob, hard as it feels, and stepping into this new place holding my own hand.  Because this week really does feel somehow so hard, but it is also about the meaning I choose to attach to it."  -email from a creative soulmate named Alexandra

Maybe it is because two of my dearest girlfriends are currently in a major state of transition and uncertainty and I’m feeling their anxiety telepathically.  Maybe it is because as much as I think I’ve accepted the fact that our life in Solvang is no more, I still get very emotional every time we go up to our house and see the for sale sign out front.  Maybe it is because I am still very unsure about where I belong in LA and who I am supposed to be as an artist as I move into these new directions creatively.  Maybe it is because I just wish the world could stop, if only for a day or two.

For whatever reason, I have had a few days of intense dipsy doodles.  I want to give it a funny name so it doesn’t sound totally despondent.  I am OK, just feeling like my emotions are a tad askew and I can’t figure how to get my equilibrium back.  I know right now I must not berate myself, but today I was beginning to feel like a total jerk for letting this lethargic fog remain for more than a day.  How dare I feel down when I have so much to be grateful for?  Thankfully I know better than to go down that road, so I just flick the tiny creature whispering it to me off my shoulder like the annoying pest that it is.

It is days like today when I must be especially gentle with myself.  To open the door myself, as Alexandra wrote this morning, and step into a new, lighter place holding my own hand.  To remember that this won’t last, and whatever mistakes I may have made these past few days in dealing with all of the ups and downs (being too sensitive, grouchy, etc.) will not scar my character forever.  They are just blunders.  I am still me.

The house is quiet and I am sitting on the couch.  My coffee table is littered with today’s crossword puzzle, my new Premiere magazine, a book on oil painting, two candles, a glass of water, and a few photographs.  Leftover remnants of my massive photo album project.  Today I got through 2004.  If I get caught up on 2005 before the year ends it will be a Festivus Miracle.  But hey, my mission as an artist is to encourage the world to "follow your dreams", so anything is possible – even getting caught up on the photo album project I began nine months ago with digital photos dating back to 2002.  I’m positive I’ll win Shutterfly‘s Customer of the Year Award this year, which they will make up specifically for me.  As long as it involves me getting a new tiara, no one will get hurt.  I mean, I will be very happy.

[There is one thing I can usually count on in the midst of these moody days, and that is my sense of humor.  Once that is lost I am in really big trouble.  But as long as I can elicit a chuckle or two from myself I know I'll be OK.  Even a sheepish grin can be cause for comfort.]

So tonight I am opening the door, stepping inside, pulling up a comfy chair, and sitting still with my emotions.  This weekend I’ve proved that the more I respond to them the brighter the flames burn, so it is time to take a different tactic.  To be gentle.  To be quiet.  To hold my own hand.

And to dare to be silly in the middle of a dark cloud.