Identity Crisis
October 26, 2005
A gray and moody day driving from Solvang to LA along the Pacific Coast Hwy. Taken October 24, 2005.
After working until midnight Monday on updates for my website, I realized I was getting too caught up in that "I"m in a mad race for success" mindset. Granted, I think it takes a certain amount of "Get obsessed, stay obsessed" attitude when embarking upon a new venture, but if that isn’t kept in check, it can get out of control. I woke up yesterday and took a deep breath, and reminded myself that the world will not end if I do not get every single item on my to do list finished before I leave for North Carolina. I have a list, and the items on that list have varying degrees of priority, so right now I need to focus only on the tasks that are most important. For now, that is enough, and I will leave my laptop at home so I can enjoy the long weekend with my girlfriend Melissa, who is in the midst of her own bold adventure, having just quit her fancy shmancy corporate job to follow her dream.
I had a wonderful victory yesterday – one of my pieces at Blue Plate sold. This is a huge step for me, and it brought back memories of similar triumphs when I first started Swirly. With Swirly, getting my first retail order from a total stranger was a very big deal, and getting my first store order was also a thrill that I still smile about. Yesterday, after receiving an email from a woman who had no idea who I was yet wanted to give me money for my artwork, that same inner sparkle began to shine the way it did almost a decade ago. Because this is such a departure from the type of artwork that made me successful in the first place, I have not made any assumptions or had any expectations about how this new work might be received. I have been joking with my friends, telling them that everyone might be getting unsold original artwork in a year at Christmas if all of this tanks. Perhaps this first sale from my first official show is a good omen; perhaps it means I’m on the right track.
Transitioning from the commercial illustration and design world to the fine art world can actually be a tricky prospect. There are some who will automatically not take me seriously as a fine artist because I have done commerical work for so long. There are some who will even look at the publicity photo on my website and not take me as seriously because I am smiling. Having my work shown at a restaurant will, I am sure, cause certain individuals to view my work rather disdainfully. Having unique artwork that is interesting and meaningful is not the sole piece of this puzzle. There are so many other factors to take into consideration – where my work is shown and sold, who buys it, what medium I use, what my image as an artist is, what my website looks like, and so much more. As I began to think about this in greater detail yesterday evening, I began to see that in addition to the artwork itself, my identity as an artist is going through a metamorphosis.
Working on the updates to my website brought this issue to my attention. One of my challenges this week has been to figure out how to visually translate who I am in this new role. How do I bring attention to all the new work I am doing and where that is taking me, yet still honor my Swirly self and all the work I have done over the past ten years? Can they co-exist? Do I need to create an entirely new identity? For someone who has never heard of me, how do I want to present myself as an artist in this new realm? How do I create a website that encompasses all of these different sides of my artist self? All of these questions began to overload my brain – especially when I began sketching out ideas for an entirely new website. It went from asking myself a few questions to thinking of a new website to "Oh my gosh, I have to get this new website up and running before I go to North Carolina!" and then I remembered to breathe, and then I just laughed.
It will all get done, and it will all get figured out. Just as with Swirly, I am taking this journey one step at a time, and my map does not have a whole lot of details. I am figuring it out as I go. I am still me, but there is a new side of me that is expanding by leaps and bounds as I go further into this brave new world. Exactly how I will express that to the rest of the world is still up for grabs.
"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." -Alan W. Watts
I enjoy reading your thought process here. Sometimes I am amazed at how the excitement I have with new ideas can turn into anxiety as I have to figure out how to make the ideas a reality. I love that in the midst of overload you remembered to breathe and then laugh. So good Swirly.
Congratulations! I’m so happy for you…and I’m so glad you’re not stressing out about your visit! We’ll have a great time and if you need to work..I’ll give you the space
Swirly, this is another wonderful post, and you’ve hit the nail right on the head for what a lot of creative people go through. I think being a creative person, by its very nature, means you continually keep exploring and evolving, and at each stage, you’re faced with the question of how to express who you are, and that means first figuring out that question (who are we …) for yourself. For me, anyway, that process is never as clean or as fast as I’d like. I also find that most people associate you with a particular identity long past you’ve already evolved into a new one … sometimes I feel weird saying I’m not doing ‘that’ anymore; now I’m doing ‘this,’ as if I were somehow flaky for not sticking with one thing for decades. But, recently I realized that I much prefer to be the type of person who’s constantly evolving and trying new things, because that’s my true nature. For some people, perhaps, maintaining one identity, career, etc., for a long time is their nature. But hey, Madonna keeps reinventing herself, and she’s done okay
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, and then people could go from there to ‘Swirly Girl,’ or ‘Fine Art’ or ‘Photography’ or ‘Journal.’ Each area (which could each be separate sites) could have its own distinct look and feel. Just a thought.
Anyway, what I ended up doing last year was just creating a ‘portal’ at http://www.mariasariego.com. I figure my name is one thing that will never change (at least I think not!), and from there, people can go into the various areas/projects/websites I have going on at the moment. Some of the areas are standalone websites that I just point to, and some sections (such as ‘the writer’ and ‘the person,’ which I’m still working on) will just be pages within the main site. I find this format lets me add, delete, and morph things as I go. Not sure if something like that would work for you … where you have a main site (unfortunately christinemiller.com is taken, but how about planetchristine.com?
Do what you can before your trip, without wearing yourself out, and know that it’s just what it needs to be for now, and trust that things will unfold in their own way and time. Travel is great for that … maybe while you’re in NC, you’ll have a great epiphany and come home knowing just how you want to express the you that is emerging.
Congrats on your sell. I can definitely relate with this post. I’m just now starting my journey into selling my work, putting myself out there. I’ve actually been promoting myself lately which would normally be hard for me. But I have been able to do it with an ease that I never truly expected.
While I’m quite insecure about my artwork sometimes and unsure of my direction as well. I know if I didn’t do this I would be incomplete. I think the most important thing that you mentioned which I have slowly come to realize is everything has to happen one step at a time.
I know that “hurry up! hurry up!” feeling exactly. I find my thoughts snowballing to the point that eventually I think if it doesn’t happen right this second…all is lost!
I have a really hard time laughing about that and putting on foot in front of the other.
I’m not happy you struggle with that too, but I am glad to know that it’s a normal phenomenon.
I am looking forward to seeing this new identity come to life…I’m sure you will mesh the two beautifully and seemlessly.
Swirly, First I just wanted you to know that your bolg has so inspired and encouraged me. I am in the very beginning stages of trying to dream about a full time career creating art again. This post totally validated all the swirl of emotions I have been going through lately trying to move out of the “dream” into the “reality” phase. Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. You are a mentor to me even when though you don’t know me. You are where I want to be in 10 years. jackie
Congratulations on your sale!!!
And what a fantastic post. I, too, feel relief that I’m not the only one madly racing around and thinking that I have to get everything done _now_.
I have a post-it on my wall by my computer that says, “It won’t all happen at once.” I try to remember that it’s there as often as possible and tell myself that going slowly is better than rushing through everything.
I’m feeling less than eloquent today, but I know it will all get done and you will figure it out. You will shine as you always do. xo, c.
your write beautiful true struggles thanks
Swirly, congrats on your sale! As I read through all your thoughts about your venture into fine art and people judging you I felt sad. Sad that as an artist we feel judged by other artists and sad that we judge ourselves so harshly. Your art makes you happy, and I’m sure there are plenty of other people it will make happy too. And anyone who belittles your fine art because you have done commercial art – well, they just need to get over themselves and not be such a snob! I know it’s easier said than done, but keep doing what makes you happy and try not to let other people get to you. It really is the only way..
Take care…
It´s so exciting to see you walk along your own path! And also very encouraging and inspiring! What a great adventure! I know this “get obsessed, stay obsessed” attitude all too well, but I found out recently that it just drives me crazy. So for now I´m just taking things at my own pace, one step at a time. Feels a lot better!