Still More
November 16, 2005
Playing with my camera and the full moon. Taken last night in Venice, CA.
I am continuing to ponder all of these questions relating to the pursuit of lifelong dreams, especially after reading the insightful and thoughtful comments I received. When do we let go and when do we keep pushing? When do we fight for what we believe is right or better or more authentic and when do we allow less than what we believe is possible to exist in our lives?
There are always choices to be made and very often conflicting influences and circumstances. I may want a certain part of my life to be different – may believe that it could be better than it is – but if I continue to make attempts at creating exactly what I want it could very well interfere with other areas of my life that are actually in a pretty good place. I may feel that certain desires are not being acknowledged or accepted, but by trying to make them the focus I might be disrespectful to the wishes and desires of those around me. It may be more of my nature to approach my life from my heart, but in certain instances it might be better to get more into my head in order to keep my emotions in check.
Right now I am trying to sit still with the uncertainty and be quiet in a situation that I don’t believe to be ideal. I think something greater is possible – not just for myself but for everyone around me – but I have to be aware that this might not be a priority for anyone else. From there it is important I do not take things personally, but instead take good care of myself. Because I am, indeed, hurting a little bit, but I do not wish to wallow in that. I would rather channel my energy into areas that will feed me – my art, my girlfriends, exercise. If I can take especially good care of myself through this, I will have more positive energy to work through this difficulty in my life and be the best person I can be with the people I love the most.
With regard to our dreams, I do believe I have what I have always wanted, and I have worked hard to create that. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it isn’t just an issue of how to define this dream, but also of whether or not I even need to give it a name. For example, if I feel a deep connection to a higher spiritual power, do I have to call that God? I don’t mean to get hung up on semantics, but I think sometimes the actual words – with all of their baggage and conflicting layers of meaning – can get in the way of us realizing we have what we’ve wanted all along. Here’s where I’ll fess up: it is a FAMILY I have always wanted – a nest, a safe haven, a circle of people in this world who I know will always fight by my side, be there for me and accept me unconditionally. When I think of the word "family", I imagine brothers, sisters, cousins, parents married for three decades, family trips in the station wagon and a home you’ve known since childhood. Well guess what? I’ll never have the latter but I do have the former.
Most of the people I have relied on for most of my life – with whom I feel the greatest love and acceptance – are outside my "real" family circle. That was true twenty years ago and it is true today. I have a powerful network of friends who inspire me; who are strong, wise and giving; who reach out to me when they are hurting and who sit still with my sadness when I am hurting. I think of this circle and I literally feel my heart flutter. So has my lifelong dream of family really not come true? Is it necessary to have this kind of support and closeness within the relationships I share with other people through DNA, marriage or any other legal document? I’m not saying I don’t have that kind of closeness at all within my "real" family, but I think there is something I have longed for in that particular circle that perhaps just isn’t meant to be and I don’t need to worry about it. There can be closeness, laughter, joy and love, but it doesn’t have to be on that level of commitment that I share with my very closest friends. Which brings me back to my original question – am I giving up on my dream by letting that go or am I acknowledging that the dream has manifested itself in a different form than I had originally envisioned and it is time for me to give that my full acceptance? Maybe everything is peachy-keen for everyone else, and I’m the only one not feeling satisified.
Maybe – just maybe – everything is precisely, exactly, perfectly the way it is supposed to be.
what a sensitive subject. i’m so sorry you are hurting about this. i hurt for you and for myself and for anyone who longs for more in their biological relationships.
another blow up with my dad tonite over this business/house deal and my heart is breaking. i am on the eve of having to tell him that because we can’t talk to each other nicely, we are going to have to move on. i know it will kill him. sometimes love just isn’t enough to make relationships function in a healthy way. this is what i seek in friendship and in my marriage-to know that the person i chose is one whom i can work anything out with. if we can trust and speak from the heart, speak the same language, i know that the union will last forever, or at least we will go down knowing we’ve tried everything. if only my parents and other family members whom i adore could do the same.
i believe everyone is my teacher, and i must try harder to know, to learn what it is some people are teaching me when they leave me behind…though it aches like hell, there is gold in there somewhere. convenient and trusting these relationships are not. i wish it could be different.
thanks honey, for being so vulnerable once again. you are a master at that and i value you so much for just that. i love you because you can GO there to the deep and murky place where the beloved/scary swamp hag with the oozing sores challenges us to ASK.
hug yourself for me. TIGHT.
Life is change. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, but it’s never the same. I don’t think that a dream changing is a bad thing. I think it means that it is growing and changing according to who you are and where you want to be in life. I think you are starting to figure this out. Just continue to let it ride, then let it go, things will fall into place.
I do believe that..your last sentence, that is. We do control our own destiny to a certain extent. But things happen for a reason.
Just getting caught up…I’m reading most recent first, so forgive me if there’s backstory I’ve missed… Specifically relating to this post…acceptance is what comes to mind. I’ve struggled so very much in my life with wishing/hoping I could have my ‘dreams’…to the detriment of accepting my present reality…because it’s hard to experience enjoyment of the present moment if I’m resisting accepting what IS. As for your remark about family, I think that’s what I love so much about blogging…it’s given me a family of sorts…who DO accept me unconditionally…which is all the more remarkable since that family is comprised of ‘strangers.’ But then, life is nothing if not strange…
ah, the family you have vs. the family you want. earlier this year i decided that my mother was never going to be the mother i wanted her to be (not that she is a bad mother — i just wish some things were different). i also realized that i’m certainly not the daughter she wishes she had. but it is hard to let go of expectations, isn’t it? i think very few people have the families they really want. and i think it’s even harder for creative people, who tend not to conform to society, to have their ideal families. maybe, because of our creativity, we want more. we want to reach deeper in all aspects of our lives. but the majority of people are happy to just get along.
i think you are doing a great thing by writing about this.
It’s comforting to know…I don’t go through these thoughts and feelings alone.
hey, this is the first entry i have ever read on your little blog but it almost made me cry. I feel so conflicted all the time and its refreshing to hear someone else talk about it. I find it so hard to know what ideals to hold onto and which ones can be let go of. i want to live life to the full potential, but sometimes i dont know what that looks like.
all that to say, thank you for being real. i look forward to continuing to read your thoughts because they seem rather close to mine, even though i cant ever express mine.
thanks for being real