Staring into Space
January 24, 2006
Taken on Pacific Coast Highway yesterday with fierce winds whipping around me.
I remember an episode of Seinfeld with the following dialogue between Jerry and Elaine:
Jerry: "So what did you do last night?"
Elaine: "Nothing."
Jerry: "No really, what did you do?"
Elaine: "Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and stared at a wall."
Today I feel like Elaine. After yesterday’s headache and not-quite-mentally-together feeling, I thought I would bound out of bed this morning and leap into a day filled with heaps of creative joy and many thick, black marks through the items on my to do list. Instead, I woke up fairly early, enjoyed a walk on the beach, then came home only to be sideswiped by another impossible to ignore headache. I decided to lay down for a bit and fell instantly asleep. Since I got back up I have managed to accomplish only one item on my to do list, and the rest of my time has been spent basically staring at my computer screen. I can’t seem to focus on much of anything; what I really feel like doing is going right back up to my couch and not moving.
I rarely have days in which the majority of my time is spent sitting still, but when I do have them, for whatever reason, I find I have a really hard time with them. I basically feel like a wimp, knowing I would have to buck up and show up if I did not work for myself at home. It almost feels like I am taking advantage of something that already feels like a tremendous gift. Isn’t it funny – one of the benefits of working for myself is that I can take a break when I need to, yet taking a break often times sends me on a bit of a guilt trip.
On a day like today, however, the guilt voice knows it’s in a losing battle. For whatever reason, my body is rebelling. I’m not getting sick, but I’m certainly not all here, and I’d be kidding myself if I thought I could "power through" and get anything meaningful accomplished. One of my favorite quotes is, "If you don’t have time to do it right, do you have time to do it over?" So today, rather than try to half ass my way through any of the piles on my desk, I’m going to get done what I can get done and not agonize over whatever will remain to be done by the end of the day. Today, whatever I get done will be exactly enough.
I feel exactly the same way today, and it is SO frustrating. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
i so understand this. sometimes my body just says – yup, that ain’t happening today.
i returned from holidays, ready to start the new year, and all my body wanted me to do for three days was just sit and incubate and watch tv movies. it surprised me so much – i can usually barely watch tv, much less spend three days with it. but when i tried to do anything on my to do list – it just didn’t happen. it felt like i was forcing something very unnaturally.
so i let it be. surrender and release. and the tide came back. the energy returned. but only when i learned to listen to my body.
i wrote about it here…
http://www.leonielife.com/journal/2006/01/turn-of-year.html
blessings to you,
leonie
can you set your goal just to breathe today? that would be easy and you wouldn’t feel bad!
i love you. please take good care of yourself and don’t be so hard on you. or you’ll have to contend with ME, ya hear?
I know that you probably have lots to do and things you want to do, but sometimes you need to take a breather. You are entitled to days of nothing, so that you can have days of utter brilliance and creativity.
i understand that feeling of guilt while doing nothing. but yeah, your body is telling you something. travel can take a toll on your body, so be very gentle and treat yourself especially well. your body will thank you later.
i’m awful at sitting still. when i’m sick and i know i should just stay in bed all day, i think of a million things to do first, and then all of a sudden the day is over! maybe we need to schedule a play date soon?
you just need to relax and it will come. go have a spa day. probably just built up tension. by the way…your gale winds are now in central indiana. i watched skinny jr. high boys trying to makeit to their parents cars tonight as i waited for gabe to get out of swim practice. there is debris everywhere!
I so hear you on that, miss.
I can relate to this. I know how it’s like to feel guilty for taking breaks or having slow days. But some days are not meant to be productive I guess. Good to hear your guilt voice is loosing today.
and it will be enough. sometimes we just have to stop and listen to our bodies. i had one of those moments monday morning. i was 3 hours late to work because my body just needed some extra time to rest and chill out.
I have come back to this a couple of times this week…I need to read it and reread it. Thank you for the reminder that doing enough is…enough.