Part II

My.  Life’s.  Work.  This is the phrase that has been swirling around in my brain for many months now.  First feeling like it was a possibility, but in a far off place, a place I had yet to discover.  Then, as I made changes in my life, closing doors and opening new ones, I began to see where I needed to go.  An image began to form.  A world.  As I explored this new environment, taking my time with each step and doing my best to savor all the delicious gifts that were waiting for me, my confidence surged.  Not necessarily because of any particular talents, skills or creations, but because, at long last, I finally saw the thread that connected my past to right now.  I could finally see how undeniable this link was, how obvious.  I had been holding onto this thread for some time, but thus far was unable to see precisely where it came from.  It was strong and sparkly, like a spider’s web dipped in stardust, but I was unsure of its origin.  Following its path behind me, I only saw fog.

Or was it the other way around?  Was my past self looking forward, unable to discern where it led?

Either way, the mystery is no more.  I stand now facing something that I was perhaps too eager to let go of, turn my back on and file away in a box:  my self.  My self before the storm.  My innocent self.   My girl self.  She is here now, saying to me, "Do you get it now?!"  I understand now she was wiser than I realized; I think she saw this coming long ago.  She knew it before I did – that everything I created, accomplished, experienced and survived before my life came tumbling apart was only the beginning.  And the upheaval my choices caused have actually served me more than they have harmed me, excrutiating as they were.  I had to go through that period of uncertainty and creative stillness in order to reach this place, this place where I am now free to embark upon work that is more meaningful, authentic and inspiring than I had ever been able to imagine until now.

I have shared this story before, but it is only now that I see how these two stories are not two chapters side by side with a closed door between them, but they are two worlds that rely on each other for survival and meaning.  Like the complicated, symbiotic, sometimes violent relationships that exist between the planets of our solar system, these two stories need each other.  Together they create a greater whole – a greater whole that is my strongest, bravest self.

The connection has been made; now I see it clearly.  I let go of an old self in a dream I had
about my own funeral a few years ago, but she has returned, and she has
much to teach me.  I’m all ears.