Taking It In
February 14, 2006
Swirly and Pixie :: So Much Love
As hard as I try to be always brave, strong, creative, positive and inspiring, sometimes I stumble. Sometimes the road gets bumpy, and it becomes necessary to just beat my fists, sob, scream and unleash emotions that I would rather not face. As much as I have worked through and recovered from painful memories and heartaches from eons ago, I suppose it is too tall of an order to expect that these feelings will ever be permanently erased from my being. I have written here of feeling rather peculiar lately. Part of that has been the duality of feeling strong yet on the verge of tears at the same time. One thought said out loud on a certain subject and my eyes well up. One melody in a song, same thing. One phone conversation and the tears cannot be stopped. Once I admit to the intense confusion I feel, all bets are off. I’m a mess.
And then an email from a friend, "Wanna talk this morn?"
It is not easy to sit still with someone else’s pain, especially someone we love and adore. I think a natural reaction for most people is to want to fix things, to make what is hurting go away, to solve the problems, to mend the broken hearts or broken bones. But what I have found is that most of the time – no matter what the situation is – what we need more than anything is for someone to simply sit with us. To let us express our anger, rage, heartbreak, and pain, and to just be with it. Sometimes there are things to be done, problems to solve, phone calls to make, papers to file and lists to deal with. But when all is quiet and everyone has gone home, or when we are called upon to face a situation entirely on our own – a situation that perhaps isn’t catastrophic to the outside world but emotionally wretched for us – what we need is a nest. What we need is another soul to be present with us as we try to maneuver our way through murky waters and dark forests. This is, perhaps, the greatest gift we can give to someone we love – our presence. Our quiet. Our listening. Our holding. The sound of our breath. The beat of our hearts. What more does one need when we are hurting?
What is better tahn a friend who will sit with you? You’ve captured the feelings that evokes so well…
Thank you for sharing.
yes…i have been blessed with some beautiful souls that have just “sat with me” thru a tough time this past year. i have learned from them how comforting it feels to be heard, understood, listened to and not “fixed”. i hear you…and resonate with you. i am so glad you have found wonderful souls as well. it is so rare and something to be cherished deeply. blessings…
I completely agree…I think that one of the struggles between Men and Women (that have been documented before) is the inability for most Men to just sit…they always want to fix things. I find too that with women who are acquaintances, not yet friends, also do this. I will be expressing myself and they will run off a list of good advice when all I wanted was them to listen. I guess that is why so many people go to therapy…they want to be heard. You articulated this need to just sit and be very well.(as always…)
Your words are so true. Thank you for being that friend for me. I love you!
Great post. I’ve definitely been on both sides of that situation. Needing a friend, and being a friend. Friends are great.
this is such a powerful lesson, to be able to just sit with someone else in pain.
i remember with the fiansor, i used to always want to “fix things” when he’d talk to me about problems he was having. one day he said, “i don’t really want advice. i just want to be heard.” it struck me like a ton of bricks. a big aha moment. and of course, once said, it all made perfect sense. since then i’ve become a much better listener. just sitting quietly and being there fully can be a huge help. it’s a gift you can give so easily. i’m glad you have people in your life you can do that with!!
you are so right. and the stumbling you do from time to time (the stumbling we all do) makes you more real. and real i can relate too. thank you for sharing your realness with us.
and is that not the cutest pic of 2 power goddess that i have ever seen?!?!?!
Ah…if only I had read this yesterday! I put on my little fix it hat last night with my fiance. Instead of just listening, I asked him question after question, trying to help him get to the heart of his struggle…this is something I really need to work on.
Swirly,
I was trying to explain this exact thing to my boyfriend last night. I have just emailed to him your perfectly worded description. Thank so much for sharing these feelings with us.
I’m glad i read this. I knew it before, but it’s a great reminder, since today i had a friend call to tell me of a great tragedy in his life. I know that later tonight, I may very well be called on to just hold the space in listen, and this post will be in my mind anytime I find myself reaching for my “Let me fix this” hat. Thanks.
I agree completely. In our society it’s all about “fix the problem, fix it, fix it, fix it.” Don’t “waste” time contemplating the issue, don’t allow yourself to just “be” in whatever emotions you’re feeling – no, it’s all about the quick fix. Whenever someone I care about is suffering, the first thing I tell them is: it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, for whatever duration of time *you* need to feel it. It’s so painful because just seeing *strangers* hurting makes my own heart ache, but with someone I know and love…it’s like being ripped to shreds. Still, the last thing a person in that situation needs is people telling them not to feel their emotions, to hurry up and get over it, etc. Very insightful post.
yes. i have a tile created by the artist jill krasner that reads: she neither dried tears nor found solutions – she just listened.
now i have to admit to being okay with drying others’ tears, but i love the reminder to let people be, in their moment of happiness or grief…it is about them, and not about you. sometimes, we just want someone to listen.
you are so good at listening and being present. when i speak with you, i get this heavy sense that your world has stopped on the other end of the phone, i’ve got your full attention. how could you appreciate this in others if you weren’t so damn good at it yourself? when we do this for each other we are creating such good magic, strong steel bonds that inspire us and keep us in our most fierce fullness and integrity. you are my rock, sister.
thank you for writing this brilliant piece. i was actually thinking of my conversation with a dear friend earlier tonight and how amazing it was when i felt so much better afterward. i was heard out, word for word and i felt i could say anything that came to my mind without being judged for it. i had thought, how could i put this into words…then there’s your blog!
i absolutely agree with you about just being with it. i’ve learned in the long run that if i don’t, it will just haunt me forever.