Detail of a 24"x24" piece just finished today :: Girl with snail

How funny it is that what I needed most to clease my spirit was to get really messy.  The last two days I have had my studio uniform on – paint splattered jeans, old t-shirts and soft clogs that are now stained with turquoise pastels – and have gotten lost in the details of my artwork after many days of being otherwise occupied.  When I walk into my studio now I am surrounded by images of my girl, as she has been my latest and fiercest obsession.  I am finishing up two 48"x48" pieces, two 24"x24" pieces (including the piece pictured above) and I have done the prep work for at least two more 12"x12"s.  Where most of the work I did in late summer and early fall was specifically collage – with layers of papers, drawings, photography and other details – these pieces I would classify more as "mixed media".  They have collage elements, but the main component of these works are being created with paints, pastels, pencils, charcoals, oil pastels and glitter glue.  I have so much fun working on her, and everytime I create her she has a slightly different expression.  Can I just say I love and adore her?  That – and I know this sounds weird – I feel protective of her?  I almost wish there was something nice I could do for her, because she is giving me so much joy.

I have written here lately of strength, sadness, confusion and determination.  That is quite a topsy-turvy collection of emotions, which is how I have felt.  It has been a difficult time, but each day I am either given a new nugget of wisdom from a friend or I discover one on my own.  One of the most valuable lessons I am learning is the importance of distilling problems down to their very core.  Not necessarily their emotional core – for sometimes that is what gets me into trouble, especially in this scenario – but to the nuts and bolts.  In other words, I might feel immense confusion and frustration over A, B, C and D, but all I really need is E.  Anything else I can live without.  I have had to ask myself over and over again, "What is it that you really need right now?"  Yes, it might be nice to have certain other things, but if so much of my time and energy is being taken up wanting these things, wishing things were different or resisting what is, the more time I lose.  Time that could be spent creating, writing, reading or – hey, why not – picking my nose.  Even that would be more productive than some of the emotional turmoil I’ve been putting myself through lately.

Accepting what is can so often be the greatest challenge.  I wrote yesterday of the need for us to accept someone else’s pain at times and not do anything more.  I realize now it is sometimes necessary to do this for ourselves as well.  When I began dealing with this problem I had a big fat onion, and each day I’ve had to peel back layer after layer after layer to get down to the bare essentials of what I need to feel like I am doing the right thing and taking care of myself.  Things might be far from ideal, but if I am able to remain in a space of my own integrity, then I have what I value most.  What I need to do is sit still with a certain sadness that will be with me for all of my days and accept it, for beyond this acceptance there is a wide open space for me to deal with this other related problem with a clear mind and a peaceful heart.  I know it is there.  I can feel it.  I’m getting closer every day.

"For after all, the best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain."  -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow