Old clocks in the back room of an antique store in Havana.

The message I have received from a number of sources is MORE.  More details and more information about the transformation that occurred the other day.  I must admit my first instinct is to pull back, because sharing even more information about certain relationships and experiences in my life feels a little bit too…exposed.  I am often intentionally vague about certain details because most of the time I believe they are irrelevant, and that leaving them out does not take away from the real meat of whatever story I am telling.  But I understand that my last entry perhaps left readers dangling a little bit too much, so I’ll do my best here to balance myself on a tightrope between disclosure and privacy, something I always find an interesting challenge in this world o’ blogging.

First, a reference point.  Any Seinfeld fans will get this, but hopefully I can explain this well enough that even non-Seinfeld junkies can appreciate my point.  There was an episode where Jerry was on a college tour with his stand-up act, and he had a fussy little talent escort with a flipped up hairdo and squeaky voice.  She was constantly asking him for his preferences on an assortment of immaterial details – "Do you want to sit in a green chair tonight or a blue chair?" or "Do you want a snack five minutes before your show or ten minutes before your show?", each time following it up with her concerned plea, "I just don’t want you to freak out Jerry."  Throughout the entire episode Jerry tolerated her attempts to keep him a happy, non-freaked out celebrity, until the end when she managed to run their rental car into someone’s backyard pool.  It was at that point that Jerry jumped out of the car, threw his arms in the air and exclaimed, "I’M FREAKING OUT!" over and over again, a tirade directed squarely at her, as if to say, "…and if you don’t like it TOO BAD!"

This, my friends, was me at about 5:30pm Tuesday.  After telling myself and bragging to my friends that I wasn’t going to get sucked into any kind of drama, get angry or take anything personally through a difficult, emotional conversation, I FREAKED OUT.  After convincing myself that anger was the thing to avoid more than anything else – the thing to avoid at all costs – I FREAKED OUT.

And suddenly, the air cleared and I was practically skipping around my house, giddy with a sense of bewildered relief and surprising fearlessness.  I did the thing I was most afraid of, and I did it without any expectations or agenda, except to say what I needed to say in the way I needed to say it.  And I said it to someone who was not used to dealing with me this way – this is a relationship that has been entirely one-sided in the sense that I have made a very conscious choice for a long time to take the path of least resistance with this person every step of the way.  I have allowed this and I take responsibility for it, but for various reasons I have recently felt compelled to try a different dance with this person.  Naturally this got off to a rocky start.  If you’ve been given a glass of orange juice every single morning for twenty years, then all of a sudden someone switches it to warm milk without telling you, there is going to be a reaction.  It is hard to imagine it happening any other way, really.  I wonder what it would have looked like if I called this person and said, "By the way, I know you are used to dealing with me being cooperative and complacent, but from now on I’m going to be challenging you, standing up to you and taking better care of myself – just thought you’d like to know."  I think any change this significant has to go through a painful period so that everyone can be shaken out of their comfort zones, so that everyone involved realizes that this isn’t a fluke or a bad mood or an isolated incident – this is coming out of a desperate desire for profound change.

After my self-proclaimed freak out, the anger immediately dissipated and a weight lifted.  I knew in my heart that while what I said was angry it was not vindictive, and that it was honest without being accusatory.  How this person might react was not a concern – after I said what I needed to say the ball was squarely in the other person’s court.  I took responsibility for what I had done to contribute to the problems we were having and I needed the other person to do the same, but that choice was entirely out of my control, so it was easy not to worry about that.  I do not want to give the impression here that I did everything perfectly; what I feel more than anything about my behavior through this is that, in the end, I stood my ground and stayed in a place of acceptance.

The result of my change in tactic was that a window opened.  The response I received was one of patience, calm and, yes, acceptance.  My anger was accepted, my frustrations were accepted, my flaws were accepted.  I can’t say that all of a sudden this relationship is beautiful and perfect, but I can say that, right now, it is in a much greater place of understanding than it has been in a long, long time.  I believe there is still much work to do and we still have bumps in the road ahead, but right now I am choosing to bask in this new quiet place.  I had to do the thing I feared the most and express myself in the most honest, raw and vulnerable way possible, and it was only then that a real breakthrough occurred.  Trying to tiptoe around my real feelings and the real issues was getting us nowhere, and fast.  By going deeper into the mine than I’d ever gone before, I finally found a way through to the other side.  Will we ever fully get there?  I do not know, but right now that doesn’t matter.  Right now we have an understanding, and this, right now, is the gift.