Will Truth Reward Me?
May 18, 2006
I will never forget a metaphor my friend Nancy shared with me regarding communication. She likened it to a game of catch, where the experience can be a nice, easy game with gentle, underhanded throws like, say, a softball, or even long spiraling passes like with a football. Her point being that positive, productive communication occurs when all those participating pay attention to one another, try to throw things as gently and/or directly as possible and basically play nice. She described how communication can be instantly shattered the minute someone decides to play mean – when communication feels more like a baseball thrown squarely at one’s forehead when one wasn’t even looking.
Today I received something that felt more like a bowling ball right between my eyes, and I’m still reeling from the whack on the head. Despite having made every effort possible to reach some tiny place of understanding with this person, and despite having done everything within my own power to emotionally detach myself from a certain dynamic with this person, I realized today that the speck of hope I’ve been carrying around with me lately has most likely been kept in vain. As upsetting as this is and as difficult as this day has been, I have still managed to find solace in the fact that I have many choices before me:
* I have a choice as to whether or not I will continue to engage with this person exclusively on their terms.
* I have a choice as to whether or not I continue trying to offer this person an olive branch when this person has made it clear there is no interest in receiving it, let alone appreciating it.
* I have a choice as to whether or not I take this person’s words and actions personally.
* I have a choice as to whether or not I accept that I can’t control this other person’s choices.
I HAVE A CHOICE, in these things and many others, and as painful as some of the choices I am now going to have to make will be, I have the freedom to make decisions that will be best for me and for the life I have created and am supremely thankful for. Today has been a day of tears, of frustration and of re-opening deep emotional scars, but I know I still have these choices, and I know I have a support system that will stand behind me as I work my way through this.
Simone de Beauvoir once said, "I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth – and truth rewarded me." Right
now I kind of feel like I sought to relate to another person from a
place of truth and I was rewarded with cruelty. The cruel truth being
that this person made a choice – as has happened before – to express very hurtful things, aimed
directly at me. This is an ugly and disappointing truth, but face it I must. Will this truth reward me? On the surface it doesn’t feel like it, but deep down, when I look at what I value and cherish most in my life, I see a tiny splinter of light at the end of the tunnel where I am finally free of a thorn that has been stuck in me for a long, long time. I have tried to avoid this particular truth in many ways, but it is time to give it my full attention, with faith that the truth, someday, somehow, will reward me. With a peaceful heart. With a clear conscious. With compassion. With grace.
"…if my love of truth is left as my only possession, then the greater the loss behind me, the greater the pride I may take in the price I have paid for that love. Then the wreckage will not become a funereal mount above me, but will serve as a height I have climbed to attain a wider field of vision." -Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
Its so hard when you are at a place where you want to move on with what didn’t work in the relationship and the other is stuck in a venomous place and wants to keep hurling stones. Don’t you wish this person could trulu embrace that today is a NEW DAY and create something new in the relationship? So sorry you are having to deal with it in this way when it seems clear you were good and ready to go forward and create something better together. Hang in there!
It is hard to make those choices, to not let someone else’s behavior affect our own. I am dealing with the same dynamic in my relationship. Every time I get sucked in and react the way I always do, I want to kick myself in the ass. Because I know better. But… Every day is a new chance to try again, to act with integrity, to detach… OH SO HARD!!! I wish you the best.
Man, I can identify with this. Recently, my co-worker did something similar, and I decided to make the choice to not be involved with her. Since we’re a small office, I obviously have to have some contact with her, but I have now limited it. Life is difficult enough without having difficult forces in our life. Now if only I can just choose not to take it personally.
i am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing pain and grief right now. the wisdom of your life is reveal in this post and i thank you for offering it your readers. yes, there are always choices…and it seems that hope lies in the choices.
Sending you electronic hugs…you’ll make it! Remembering the choices is half the battle.
xo
Oh honey, I’m sorry you have to continually deal with this. By being the bigger person in this, you will be rewarded…I truly believe that. If you choose to engage in a battle then no one wins. You are a great person…don’t let anyone tell you any different. Know you are loved! XOXOXO
handing you a large ice pack for the goose egg on your head~ we all have at least one relationship in our life that stretch the very fibers that hold us together to their limits. You clearly have a good perspective on all the actions which will provide boundries for you. ITs not fun, its uncomfortable, but it is necesary.
Great analogy–about being plunked in the forehead by mean communication…only sometimes I don’t realize I’ve been plunked until I feel that knot start to rise…(Hey! Wait a minute!…)
As cliche as it is, for ME, the most important thing I try to remember when I’m struggling through times like you’ve described is to LET GO. We can’t control anyone else’s actions and choices…but even so, it can be so hard to just LET GO in those moments. Wishing you a peaceful release from the upsetting emotions (once you’ve processed them, of course). 
Without knowing any of the details it sounds to me like that person is simply not going to change. Nor grow up. Nor face up to their own responsibilies. Because of their affiliation with you they are not so easy to walk away from.
But from the far distance my decision would be clear: I would walk. Close the door. There is nothing left in that room for you to say or do. You need to move on and look after yourself and your own life.
If that person choses to open the door again then at least you know that you will be far away enough to not get caught in any door slamming. But not too far to reach out a hand, again, if you wanted to.
Whatever you do, Christine, don’t let it upset you too much. You are such an incredible person and artist, nobody can ever take that away from you.
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