What Do You Choose to Believe?
September 11, 2006
Aoyama Cemetary :: Tokyo, Japan [July 2006]
For some reason this summer – I am not sure why – I have been repeatedly faced with situations that have inspired me to look squarely in the mirror and ask myself, "What do you choose to believe?" These are situations that have been good, bad, frustrating and otherwise, but that all have the common thread of encouraging me to make a choice about what to believe and stick with it.
I remember reading an interview with Jennifer Aniston soon after her split with Brad Pitt, and in the interview the journalist asked her what she thought of the rumors that her ex-husband had started an affair with Angelina Jolie before their official break-up. Ms. Aniston answered the question very simply, stating, "My husband said he did not have an affair and I choose to believe my husband." This is not an exact quote, but I do remember very clearly her statement about choosing to believe her husband. Talk about a tough choice to make with tabloids screaming otherwise and all the world watching your heartache. Ever since I read that I have had a tremendous respect for her and the grace with which she handled a situtation that probably would send most of us to the drugstore begging for a jumbo sized bottle of Prozac, preferably in liquid formula to infiltrate our bloodstream as quickly as possible. At least that is where it would lead me. I barely made it through my own divorce with my sanity intact and I cannot imagine going through that experience with People magazine monitoring my and my ex’s every move.
My point here is not to delve into celebrity gossip, but to illustrate how difficult it can sometimes be to make the choice to believe the best in another human being – to believe that their intentions are good and that they are doing the best they can. I have tried to believe this about certain people only to discover that the last thing on their priorty list was my well-being. I have also believed this about people and learned that my instincts were right on the money. But more often than not, I am faced with the gray area of unknown, as I believe most of us are in any situation that involves another human being, no matter how well we think we know them. It is in those moments more than any other when I must make that choice – the choice to trust and believe in a positive twist on whatever situation I’m in with another person or the choice to let a negative spin consume me. I am learning over and over again that most of the time this choice can be the difference between healing a relationship or irrevocably damaging it, and it can also mean the difference between enjoying my day or destroying it simply because I choose to dwell negatively on something that most likely isn’t even on the other person’s mind.
I choose to believe that we are all doing our best, and that perhaps the most important thing for me to recognize is that I, too, am doing my best. Just because I am doing my best it does not mean I am incapable of letting my friends down, frustrating my husband, missing a deadline for work or creating a lousy piece of artwork. Doing my best does not equal perfection, it means just what it says – that I am trying as hard as I can. Sometimes that means that the most I can do is collapse on the couch and fall asleep in the middle of an afternoon. Sometimes it means the most I can do is gripe. Sometimes it means I burn the toast. Every single day is a journey filled with choices, and I try to make choices – particularly relating to beliefs about other people’s intentions and integrity – that will feed me rather than drain me. When I choose to believe the worst about others, it makes me weary, and how, really, does this serve me? Even if it turns out that my good faith ends up being rewarded with cruelty or betrayal – as it has now and then – I still believe it is in my best interests to choose to believe the better story. To choose to see the light.
What do you choose to believe? In yourself and others?
This is just what I needed to hear today. I have struggled a long time with believing in “just doing my best” especially in the last couple of years when it seems like every step I take forward, my world falls apart a little bit more. I constantly remind myself that my best changes from moment to moment.
Thank you for giving me one more reminder today.
I’m so glad that you are back on your blog.
I remember Jennifer Aniston saying that very clearly as well, being impressed that she could say that she chose to believe even, despite what all the tabloids were saying about them. I find myself quick to believe the worst about people, and I do not want to be that way. I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to not be so quick to decide that, but it’s been a struggle. I guess the last time I was burned, I was burned good, and wanted to protect myself from that happening again. But I took it too far in the opposite direction. Thank you for this reminder. I’ve saved this entry so I can come back and remind myself when I’m faltering.
I remember being impressed by her grace through all of that, too. I think that the concept of doing the best that you can do in every moment in very important. Sometimes the best you CAN do is to collapse on the couch – but the important thing is to be okay with and honest about that. I try so hard to see the best in people. Thank you so much for writing this post – it came to me as a gentle reminder exactly when I needed it the most!
very powerful words and such a good reminder to us about the power we have in choosing our lives…or at least the way we life and view our lives…
and by the way, i am totally diggin’ the new site. i can’t stop drooling over your cuba series. it’s the eye candy i need right now as i’m trying to get involved in my own art journal. i don’t really like the journal i bought but ah well. i’ll fill it before i know it and then can get something else.
It speaks highly to your genuine nature, Christine, that you even think about whether to believe the best or not of other people. This process does not even occur to most people.
Doing my best, all the time, sounds like extremely hard work to me and I often begrudge myself because I think that I am not always doing my best. I certainly don’t consciously think about it every minute – am I doing my best or not? Perhaps I should.
As far as other people are concerned I take a slightly more detached view. I prefer to give someone the benefit of the doubt but even if I don’t agree with someone’s action, or treatment of me, I try to understand where they are coming from … often a place of different values and life experiences that enevitably shape a person’s attitude and behaviour. I accept them for who and what they are and then make a choice about whether to continue with a relationship based on my feelings about it, not my perception of theirs.
The only times where my aptitude for empathy fails me is when people intentionally try their best to hurt someone through physical, and emotional, cruelty and violence – for no reason (e.g. having been abused themselves) other than their enjoyment of it.
What your post reminds me of is the power of making choices, we all have it.
Thank you, Kerstin
Indeed, some days we burn the toast. I love this analogy. Being too hard on ourselves is a deeply ingrained cultural characteristic in my opinion-in turn, we can be very hard on others. Seeing clearly and choosing our battles carefully can be a challenge. Being in love with the truth is the only thing I have found to help.
xoxoxo p
choosing to believe in ourselves – yes, that’s the way.
Thank you for your insightful words, Cristine.
I sometimes have difficulty making decisions. Maybe because I have not trusted myself. I have followed what others have told me rather than myself. It is time for me to trust in myself enough to look in the mirror, and ask “what do YOU believe” instead of polling my friends. And, like you, when faced with a gray area, to be brave and hopeful and choose the light. To look for the positive spin instead of the dark spiral. Because I too want hope and forward momentum, because the energy is fun and is better than the alternative.
Thanks for your thoughts… and congratulations on your marriage! I love your new site. It’s good. Take care, xo Roberta