Me with a "flock" of tiny yellow butterflies swarming around in Iguazu Falls, Argentina.

Yesterday afternoon a dear friend called me for her annual Thanksgiving tradition of phoning those she loves the most to explain all the reasons she is thankful for them.  She has done this for years, and every time I get her call I am reminded once again of the incredible, overwhelming positive LIGHT this woman is in the world, and how blessed I am to know her.  The fact that she calls me for the sole purpose of showering me with love is a sign that I must be doing something right in the world, and I am sure everyone else who heard her sweet voice on the phone yesterday is walking around today feeling at least a little bit more joyful, if not immensely so.

Gifts like these usually come at the perfect time, in the same way that I received a small token of appreciation from two other astounding women yesterday – a ceramic stone with the words "Speak True".  I have been walking around the past couple of weeks in desperate need of these gifts, yet not wanting to admit how much I’ve needed them, not wanting to let a certain circumstance in my life become too big or too overwhelming.  Wanting to put on a brave face and try to squeeze this circumstance in a box with the lid hammered shut so I can ignore it.

Funny how our emotions know better, and will make themselves known one way or another no matter how hard we try to rein them in.

I am now in a position where I must make my way through a rather ugly journey and I must do so with grace, dignity, integrity and calm.  I must walk over burning coals as if I were strolling through a wide open meadow in order to stay true to what is right and what I believe in.  I know I am capable of this, but the fact that I have been forced into this situation in the first place is what has been so difficult to process.  As I said, I have not wanted to make this too big or too important.  I did not even want to mention it on this blog because I believed that to give it air time was to give it power.  But the truth is that this situation has knocked me for a loop and the greatest source of strength and support I have to get me through this is from my community – my husband, my family, my friends, my creative soulmates.  Sharing this story has actually helped weaken it, because whenever I explain the sordid facts, I feel cared for and loved and am reminded of how strong I really am.  I have been trying my hardest not to let this affect me, but the truth is that I’m in pain, and even though I know it will not last and I still have a lot more joyful moments than sad ones – even through this – I need to just say it:  this sucks.

With the support of my tribe, this will soon be a chapter in history that I can place in my ever-growing file entitled "When I Learned How Strong I Really Am".  I am now doing whatever I need to do to channel that woman in the photo above – full of passion and courage and love and wild, exuberant energy.  The woman who has gone horseback riding in Argentina, snorkeling in Australia, beer chugging at Octoberfest in Germany and wandering for hours on end in Tokyo.  The woman who has the best f***ing friends on the planet and a million memories to prove it.  This woman will get through this.  I know it.  Things might suck for a while, but is sure as hell won’t stop me from continuing to create and enjoy a full and joyful life.

"One must never despair upon losing something, whether it is an individual or an experience of joy or happiness; everything returns even more magnificently.  What has to decline, declines; what belongs to us, stays with us, for everything works according to laws that are greater than our capacity for understanding and that only seem to contradict us.  You have to live within yourself and think of all of life, all of its millions of possibilities, openings, and futures in relation to which there exists nothing that is past or has been lost."  -Rainier Maria Rilke