Bright flowers on a gray day in Bruges, Belgium.  Taken last week.

When my godson Nicolas was diagnosed with diabetes at the wee age of two, many people were of the opinion that it was better to have the diagnosis when he was young.  That way it would simply be a part of his life that was always with him and therefore something he was always used to.  Another couple I know with a diabetic son received his diagnosis when he was eight or nine, and they said he still has vivid memories of life before blood sugar testing and insulin shots and that there are still times when, quite frankly, he’s pissed off about the permanent change in his daily routine that occurred with that diagnosis.  The point of this story is that I believe there is some truth to the notion that if you’re always accustomed to something – whatever it may be – it simply is what it is and there probably aren’t many, if any, moments of wishing for something to be different.  Even if that desire exists, perhaps it isn’t even possible to articulate or visualize exactly what life would look like if a certain element were different. 

I have written about a difficult personal issue over the past many months and it was recently resolved.  The word that keeps coming up for me when I think of this situation is very simple:  COMPLETE.  The right word isn’t "done" or "finished" or "over".  It is:  COMPLETE.  There is no cutting off, drawing a line in the sand or building a wall; what has happened instead has been much quieter and much more delicate.  I feel as if I have been wearing foggy glasses for a very, very long time and I didn’t even have to take them off, they simply dissipated like steam off of black pavement as the sun streams through the clouds after the rain.  As if they were never real in the first place, they just wafted away without my even realizing it, until one day when I began noticing that a lot of things in my life that once felt confusing and muddling and overwhelming now seemed very small and simple and completely acceptable even if they weren’t ideal.  I had not noticed these foggy glasses before because it was something I had lived with for so long.  Although I did, in fact, wish certain things were different, I did not have any clue as to what life would really look like if certain circumstances changed.

And here’s the other interesting twist – things did not even change in the specific way that I longed for.  In other words, what I’ve been wishing I could have will now never happen.  Ever.  Instead a different shift has occurred and it has created a open space in my heart that exists for the sole purpose of inviting nothing but joy, abundance and calm into my life.  It is as if I just discovered an entirely new room in my home that has been there all along but I haven’t been able to see it.  In fact, I had a different room all mapped out in my mind and knew what I wanted it to look like.  That was what I wanted.  But the universe actually had something far better in store for me, and I understand now that the vision I created for myself was much too small.  Not only that, but my vision was also this:  impossible. 

My friend Helen and I were talking recently of the words we use with such frequency we actually get on our own nerves with them.  Her word was "Wow!" and mine is "Amazing!"  My friend Heidi always says, "You’re JOKING!" and another friend exclaims enthusiasm with "No way" (to which I always feel obliged to respond with "WAY!").  I once used my word in an argument with a friend and he disdainfully remarked, "You think everything is amazing!"  I still crack up when I think of this exchange because he actually has a good point.  I do think a lot of things in this world and my life are amazing, and this opening in my life that is now making itself known is perhaps one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced.  Sounds dramatic, I know, but that is the best way I can explain it. 

Life isn’t perfect and I know nothing is permanent, but no matter what happens from this point forward my vision will be less cloudy and I do not have any need whatsoever to be anything other than exactly who I am.  Not only that, but I have no expectations for anyone else in my life to be anything other than exactly who they are.  This may result in a stronger connection, it may involve a slight release, or it might not cause a ripple.  The stillness I feel within myself as I consider all of this is so new and fresh and ripe…it is almost unnerving…but it is also beautiful and wondrous and succulent.  And yes, amazing.