Living Life to the Fullest
May 29, 2007
I have always had a deep desire to devour life in as many ways as possible. Certain thoughts travel through my brain on an almost daily basis that push me to try harder, live larger, go farther and grab extraordinary opportunities whenever they arise. A reminder that life is short and that it can throw us curve balls such as bike accidents, cancer and other calamities without warning propel me into action and encourage me to, as they say, grab life by the balls and ride the wild rides.
All of this is well and good and I have had many extraordinary experiences. I grew up knowing I wanted to forge my own path in life and I have lived by that mantra every step of the way. This determination has given me many gifts, but there has also been a growing underlying desire for a life that is quieter, simpler and filled with…less. Less commitments, responsibilities, creations, relationships, goals, dreams, journeys, even phone calls. It started like a tiny stream that is barely perceptible under the growth of a forest, but that trickle has widened and made itself known in more significant ways, particularly this year. In the midst of moving along 1000 miles an hour trying to be Superwoman, the urgency to wind down my speedometer has grown remarkably, and I find myself facing new questions about my priorities and whether or not I am really living by the things I value most.
My life is so good it is almost vomit-inducing. I mean that in the very best way…I cannot help but shake my head in disbelief at how well my husband and I have recovered from all the various hurdles we had to leap over when he went back to work in 2004 and we moved to LA. It has taken us this long to really get our lives settled and to be able to look to and plan for our future versus having to tie up all kinds of loose ends from our past. We came out on top of the world and I am delirious with gratitude. It has been a topsy turvy journey, but I’m very proud of how we’ve held up as a team.
And then there is this thing…a strange health issue I have been dealing with since the beginning of the year that simply isn’t going away. I haven’t been "sick", but I also haven’t been healthy, and after almost five months it has started to make me quite a grouch, and that is putting it mildly. One doctor, then another doctor, and now two more doctors…rounds of antibiotics, vitamins, supplements and now even acupuncture and Chinese herbs. Everyone baffled; at every turn it remains a mystery.
So I am forced to slow down, forced to wake up each day and refuse to dive into my latest moving-related to do lists until I’ve had breakfast and finished my beloved crossword puzzle. I am having to be very conscious about the choices I make – social obligations, travel, new work projects, etc. – and evaluate carefully whether or not it is the healthiest choice to make. In other words, I have to start taking better care of myself. Much better care.
While this has been a total drag and put me in a wretched mood at times, I cannot help but believe that this is going to lead somewhere better – somewhere healthier, slower, quieter and with even more focused priorities. I still want to live my life to the fullest, but right now my definition of "living life to the fullest" needs to change, and I have to accept that this means I will probably have to say no more often to more people, that I will let people down and that some people just might not like the new quieter, less adventurous me. I will never lose that part of myself that wants to see the world and push beyond my limits, but for the time being that part of me needs to go on hiatus and the part of me that has lately been practically begging me to sit still needs my full attention.
There is a voice inside me that is rebelling against this in a very big way – laying on the guilt trip, trying to make me believe I have to "earn" my place in the world, that if I’m not constantly striving to be that inspiring, super creative, world traveling, positive force in the universe then I’m not really living and, worst of all, I’m letting down God and everyone around me. This voice isn’t comfortable with the idea of taking a time out, despite the fact that my body is letting me know this is no longer a choice, but an absolute necessity.
Any kind of meaningful transformation, however positive, has its own unique blend of frustration, difficulty, beauty and despair. When we move from one way of moving in this world into another, when we take the steps to alter our stride and our path, there is always some sense of loss. But with each loss a new space is created for something that is most likely more delightful and gratifying than we could have envisioned for ourselves, and even though I feel slightly worn down by the lack of concrete information I’ve been able to gather regarding my health, deep down I know this is going somewhere good. I carry that certainty with me everywhere I go now, like a little butterfly on my shoulder, fluttering its wings for me to admire whenever the mood strikes me.
I have often looked at you with a degree of awe, perhaps even a bit of envy, as someone who leads the “full life”. Although I have also traveled a lot and gained valuable life experience through the variety of my jobs and places I have lived, I have never had this drive to consciously “live to my fullest potential”. If I didn’t want to do something, then I didn’t. If things got too stressful, or seemed too much hard work, then I moved on to something else. I have always perceived this as lack of staying power but I am beginning to realize that this attitude has also given me a certain serenity and relaxed outlook that my friends and family appreciate.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about “simplicity” lately and perhaps this is what your body is telling you to strive for, too. There is something very appealing about leading a “simpler” life, maybe it is in simplicity that we find true fullness?
Sending you warm wishes,
Kerstin
like kerstin…i do look into you life with awe and envy. but i do know, from experience that living a simple life is so rewarding. sure, i still get crabby when i am bored with this little conservative town and i do pray that when clancy graduates, bryce will be willing to go with me on an adventure. but last nite as we sat with friends on their patio, sipping [yes sipping] on cold brew, i thought – this is it!
you body is telling you something, now go listen to it you silly girl!
This really hit home for me. I, too, am facing many life transitions…some with anticipation, some with great trepidation and fear!! Just to know others have walked where I go is encouraging. I so enjoy your work and sharing and am sending many warm thoughts for healing and clarity to you. Blessings from a fellow traveler…Rebecca
I have given much thought myself about what it is that makes some of us so driven to “succeed” – whatever that might be. I have tried and tried to turn off that spigot but it seems to be something deep in my DNA. If you ever get balanced or figure it out please let me know how it’s done. Until then I guess I’ll just keep running like a little gerbil on my wheel.
oh christine! i had no idea you were STILL not feeling well! i am hoping the acupuncture helps – i’ve started it recently myself. like you, i really struggle with changing my perspective of what i think is fullfilling and what isn’t. as i change and grow, so does my outlook. it’s a strange balance, to keep up with ourselves and to take good care of ourselves, isn’t it. this week i’m resting while i try very hard not to fall apart. i wish the same for you. get well.
xxo
oh Christine, first I am sending you so much healing, peaceful, lake and mountain energy. I am so sorry you have been not feeling well. It is a bit frightening (and frustrating) when our bodies are not in alignment with our minds and spirits, but I think you are so right that it’s clear, your body is calling for some nurturing and rest.
You are a child of the universe (to quote Desiderata) and you have a right to be here as much as the trees and the stars. You don’t have to push or strive or drive to deserve your time here. You were born with the right to experience this magic– feel the energy of the wild flower meadow– loose, easy, lightly dancing in the breeze.
Thinking of you.
I also struggle with a sense of having to “earn” my place in the world, or perhaps more than earning it I feel the need to repay it.
I feel so lucky to have been born in a country of prosperity and peace, to have had a chance to learn and play and experience the joys of childhood. I feel that life/God has given me sooooo very much that I have to give as much as I can back.
So I’m a human rights advocate in Afghanistan, East Timor and Palestine, I sacrifice comfort and a sense of safety to make my small conrtibution to better live for children here. And sometimes I over do it – I have to slow down and give myself some rest.
I think I really understand what you are saying here and I honour your commitment to taking care of yourself – if we don’t take care of ourselves we are no good to anyone else – we can say it over and over again and it is still true, and still worth reminding ourselves.
Take care, take it easy and know that you are still, always, making a big contribution.
x
i feel this gigantic urge to stand up and applaud. at your honesty and your deep understanding of who you are and what you need. i so appreciate what you have said here and how you put your words together with grace…thank you for that.
setting the boundaries…it has in some ways become an overused phrase by some i suppose…but it is so important. i struggle with this each day, but know that doing it is what is best for me. to realize that one must do this for one’s health…that is so good. you must take care of you. you must.
many blessings to you…