Cycles
July 5, 2007
Life is always moving, along with every element that makes up our journey.
If there is one thing I have learned unequivocally about life, it is that in any situation with another human being, it is imperative I take responsibility for my own actions. In other words, when there are two people there are two stories, two perspectives and two opinions. Not only that, but I must never fail to recognize what I do to create certain patterns in my life. If I have the same problem or issue with people repeatedly, it is important I acknowledge the common denominator – me.
There is a certain pattern that has followed me throughout my life with regard to friendships, and while it is pretty easy to see why this particular pattern keeps popping up, it is still never an easy task to move through the inevitable narrow point in the hourglass, so to speak. I have learned how to look at this issue through a very rational lens and pay attention to the role I play in these cycles, but no matter how well I understand it, I still struggle with it. It is still always quite painful because it so often involves my having to let go of relationships that are very important to me.
I have lately been trying to figure out the best way for me to let go when I need to let go with as open a heart as possible. In the past, I tried to do whatever I possibly could to hold on to a faltering relationship, and this always led me to a place of resentment and sometimes even anger. I have tried other tactics as well, such as honesty, as in, "This is how I am feeling and what I am afraid of…how can we work together to keep our friendship intact?" but even that has not worked very well. I have been through this with a number of people but still have not managed to discover an easy way through the transition, so I am beginning to realize that I need to just accept that these changes will not be easy, and my job is to let go gently and lovingly and let the wind take us where it will. To be thankful for whatever time and experiences I had with someone and to keep in mind that life is full of twists and turns that might very well bring us back to one another down the road. The process of letting go is not about absolutes or definitive good-byes, but about releasing all expectations as well as my own fears of not having a strong support system when I need it. Because I do not have much in the way of family, I rely on my friends perhaps more than the average, so when I feel a connection that was once strong – was once something I took for granted like air – slip away, it is hard for me not to panic.
Sometimes friendships shift because of a change in circumstance or geography, sometimes they are thrown off of a cliff because one person dramatically disappoints the other. At times forgiveness can be given and the relationship can endure and at other times whatever happened might end the connection altogether. I have dealt with all of these situations, and there are two questions I have been pondering lately as I try to work through certain recent experiences. The first is this: Is it possible to forgive someone and completely release any anger, resentment, hurt feelings, etc. but still release the relationship with an open heart? In other words, if I decide that I cannot be in a relationship with someone because a line was crossed that I cannot accept, but I still forgive them and sincerely wish them well, does the letting go negate the forgiveness? Do I owe it to this person to say out loud, "I forgive you"? Is it an oxymoronic notion that I can forgive someone yet not want to continue a relationship with them?
My second question has been more difficult to articulate here, and the more I try to write about it – erasing half of what I type – the more I realize it isn’t a question as much as it is an observation. I also think it is perhaps an exercise to boost my trust that I will always have the support I need, to remember that when one relationship fades it does not have to leave a permanent gaping hole, but can create a space for a new friendship I have yet to discover. The situation goes like this:
I aim to trust that whoever I am dealing with is doing the best they can and that I do not need to take anything personally. If I call or email someone and they never respond I need not bother assuming it is because they don’t want to communicate with me. Whatever the reason, it most likely has nothing to do with me. If I trust that someone is doing their very best, but these efforts are not enough to sustain a friendship even on the most basic levels (i.e. consistent email communication), then I cannot help but feel disappointed in those efforts. This is not taking anything personally, it is simply being disappointed, feeling let down. In these situations, where I love this person and I know they love me, but for whatever reason they are not able or willing to give much to the friendship, I eventually reach a point where I realize it is time for me to let go. This is not done from a place of anger, but from the most gentle spot I can create, for in letting go I am taking care of myself as best as I can and therefore not feeling resentful. I feel sad, but not angry. I feel loss, but not rejection. I feel gratitude for what I have shared with this person and not frustration that for now, our time together seems to have been for a finite period. It is very difficult for me to get to this place – my knee jerk reaction is to keep trying harder and holding on tighter to avoid feeling guilty – but I have learned through experience that even if it is sad, letting go gently is the healthiest approach to these kind of disappointments.
I am sure I have disappointed others in the same way, so this isn’t about feeling superior or trying to punish anyone. Friendships, like anything in life, are in a constant state of flux, and people will always continue to flow in and out of my life. It is not a bad thing to have certain standards for myself and for the people I choose to give my time and energy to, and I need not try to squeeze myself into an uncomfortable box for the sake of someone else. In letting go I can allow the other person – and myself – to be whoever they want to be in the world and to continue to live life as authentically as possible. If the most genuine life someone else is living no longer involves their friendship with me as a priority, then I must accept that rather than try to guilt them into giving effort they cannot or do not want to give. The challenge for me during these transitions is to have faith that even if my tribe shifts and changes, I will always have a tribe, and I will not be left alone in the world.
I am curious as to what others have experienced with regard to friendships. There is so much discussion about when relationships (i.e. marriages) end, but not much about friendships; and I have yet to read anything about those moments when friendships seem to drift out into a perfectly calm ocean, just floating in the middle of nowhere with no direction and no activity. Sometimes those friendships drift back into our lives but often times they just exist in our consciousness – not quite someone who would be considered a close friend but not someone we’re willing to completely write off either.
Care to share your thoughts?
hmmm, funny you should be writing about this today…I was just having this same conversation with myself this morning. I’ve realized that I have to go through a process with these things…hurt, anger, forgiveness, letting go…but the good news is, the process seems to get shorter, now that I know there is a process.
I like the photograph you’ve chosen to represent this. I’ve always thought of friendships as 2 parallel lines travelling along together…sometimes they swerve away from each other, sometimes they come closer together and sometimes they swoop out and back and out and back again.
Maybe friendships are like a dance and we need to learn the steps because it hurts when we trod on each other’s toes!
to realize that we are only in charge of our piece and then to honor the idea (and hope) that the other person is doing the best that she can, that does seem to be the key. but i find it to be thick marsh to tread through sometimes. i get caught up in the idea of forgiveness. forgiveness seems to be about a person’s own willingness to allow someone back into her life when she has been hurt. i try to think about sending compassion and letting go. trying to let go of “it” – whatever “it” is that feeds my not-so-best self when i think about the relationship or person or the past.
i try to look at what is coming up for me…and think about the patterns i recognize.
but sometimes it is time to just let go i think. to just honor the moments that have been and focus on the support of those who are more present in their friendships with you. but this is a pretty hard thing to do at times. i understand that need to hold on and try to avoid my own guilt that wants to bury me.
but, lately i choose to believe that when you let go of something, it does invite possibility in.
(thank you for writing this and reminding me that i am not alone in my own struggles)
I think about this problem all the time, and find it as a catalyst for vicious cycles of self-doubt and depression. It’s definitely a very tricky situation, whatever happens, and often leaves you with the grief of ending a relationship without completely understanding why. I’m so glad you wrote about this.
I do believe that one can both forgive and let go at the same time….and the reason this rings true for me, is because it keeps the friendship in a beautiful place; it makes the friendship bigger than whatever about it no longer works. And it’s an act of trust that your friend is doing his or her best – ending on an act of trust is a way of being good to you both.
Friendship is something so rarely discussed, yet so important and necessary for all of us. For me it is really sad when a friendship drifts apart and you no longer have time for one another. I remember all the great times that we shared in the past and I wonder why we did not stay so close. But I guess it is true that certain friends are there for certain reasons, and at a particular time in your life.
I know my family is always there for me, and I appreaciate and adore that greatly. However sharing something with a friend is different. It is intimate and exciting and really cannot be compared to sharing something with family.
My parents are still friends with many people they went to high school with. I admire that in them. However now that I am older I am able to see the changes and fluxuations that they have gone through as well. When we were younger they spent more time together with there friends, because of having kids around the same age. Now that we are older they are still friends, but they do not have the daily communation that they once had. However there is no resentment in this, and I guess because they have been through so much they are able to pick up right where they last left off.
I think it is wonderful to have a friend where you may not talk for a little while, yet when you see each other again you pick up right where you left off.
I could go on forever about friendship. There are so many sides of it, and so many things that could be discussed. It is nice to see you discuss friendsihp in such a way, especially because this very topic has been on my mind that past couple of days.
i have sometimes made a decision to let certain friendships float away, as gently as possible, but it’s still heartbreaking when you realize that that friendship wasn’t nourishing or uplifting or changing. in other instances, i’ve worked very, very hard at friendships, having those hard reevaluation conversations. people talk about marriage taking work, but i think sometimes we forget that our friendships need tending to,too. we need to have those conversations about what’s working, what’s not working and make the necessary changes until it’s easy again…
christine, your posts are always thought provoking and honest. i always enjoy coming over here for a visit.
Oh, Christine. I can relate to so much of what you say here.
It always bothered me that people hardly ever talk about breaking up with friends, but always about doing so with a significant other. I remember once bringing it up in a circle of some dear girlfriends and even then feeling like I was somehow evil and awful for talking about “not feeling it anymore” and “wanting space” and “just needing to make a clean break” with a girl friend. It’s so strange how that is.
I *did* once read an article in Real Simple magazine about friends, the kind of friends and the way we zig and zag in and out of each other’s lives (and also when it’s titme to zag out permanently). It was so refreshing and wonderful, and I clipped it immediately but, as luck would have it, I’ve misplaced it over the years. Which, I guess, is why it’s so nice to have a dialogue about it, here and now, with you.
i know exactly what you are talking about, and it took me years of therapy to figure out myself.
due to my family history, friendship has always been more important than anything else. but it is not generally like this for everybody, often your own friends, and it does hurt to realise so.
particularly, i used to be involved in an unhealthy friendship with 2 of my friends from college. we used to be like sisters (and i have a sister so i know what i am talking about) for almost 10 years, until slowly i started seeing things from another perspective and understanding the patterns i repeated (like you say in your journal)and ended up frustrating myself.
for me the key was respect for myself, and understanding i am the most important person, not friends or family, but me! this way i can enjoy more relationships now and put healthy limits i would have never dared to put 5 years ago. i carefully choose with who i spend my time and energy, and i try to be concious of what i receive back. this may sound selfish but it’s not. oh gosh i used to give myself to others so much, and always to the wrong people, and receiving so little! starting to exercise this healthy selfishness made me lose some friends, yes, but the one’s who were worth it are still around me and our relationships are so much better….!
so remember, you are the centre of the universe, don’t be affraid to be so
My experience with friendships is that most people do not have the skills to resolve conflict, and this is why so many friendships just kind of end abruptly. This (work with conflict) is something I have really only learned to do myself in the past year. In the past year, I’ve done a lot of work on what it means to have someone say to me, “You did this thing that was upsetting to me,” and just hear it. Be with it. Understand that whatever is upsetting them is about them and they are doing the best they can with what they’ve got, AND balancing that with, as you say, noticing that if something is a pattern then I need to take a deeper look.
In the past, I’ve been someone who just sort of dumped people out of nowhere (by no longer returning their calls/emails) when a friendship wasn’t working. And later–as karma would have it, I figure–being on the receiving end of that. It was my experience of being on the receiving end–having a friend disconnect from me with zero explanations–that made me realize that I will never, EVER do that to someone again. I don’t care how awkward it is for me, if I am letting a friendship go I will let the person know and I will say exactly why I am letting it go so that they have no questions about it. Period. I’ve also made a commitment that no matter what, if someone says, “You’re doing XYZ that bothers me,” I’ll examine that. My friendships now are too precious to do anything but.
I mentioned friendships ending abruptly because in my experience this has been the major differentiating factor–in a romantic relationship, there are any number of arguments that herald a forthcoming breakup. In any of the friendships I’ve had that have ended because someone dumped me, I was totally clueless when the dump came. There was no big argument or thing that indicated that our friendship would be over. In fact, sometimes there was never even a single argument or tense moment that I was aware of. From that, I can only assume that the person involved was scared of conflict and so rather than telling me what I was doing, they just decided to let go.
(BTW–I’m making these comments in the context of a close friendship. In terms of how to kindly let go of a new friendship with someone you barely know but who you just aren’t clicking with…yikes. That one I’ve never figured out how to handle.)