Bundles of firewood in Chivitella, Tuscany.  Taken in May.

In my previous entry I discussed issues relating to friendships, particularly friendships that have broken up and/or feel like are on the verge of breaking up and the difficulties associated with these tenuous, uncertain spaces that form between people.  Dealing with the loss or downward shifting of friendships can be particularly upsetting for someone such as myself who has little or no family.  One of the ways I get myself backed into a corner time and time again is because my pattern has so often revolved around my approaching these relational changes from a place of fear and guilt.  Fear of ending up totally alone and guilt that I should be doing more to salvage the friendship and/or keep it as strong as it once was.  Writing about these experiences in my previous entry was actually a way for me to increase my awareness of these all too common pitfalls that I keep stumbling into and I have thought a lot lately of how important it is we stay vigilant when it comes to where we place ourselves on our own psychic map.  Where am I positioning myself in an unhealthy place and what negative patterns am I repeating because of this?

I have recently witnessed someone else making what I believe is a very unhealthy, unproductive decision based on fear and negative patterns and in a weird way I find it totally fascinating.  (I realize it is my personal opinion that what this person is doing is unhealthy, but my guess is that there would not be a lot of people who would disagree with me on this.  Having said that I still acknowledge this is nothing more than it is – my opinion.)  This person has been caught up in this particular pattern for a while but at this point, for a number of reasons, there is absolutely nothing in the world that can prevent this person from doing what they want to do in life.  But instead of focusing on this and beginning this journey from a healthy, positive place, the very first step being taken is downright demeaning in many ways (again, my opinion).  A very mundane, short term goal will be accomplished at the expense of putting energy towards what is truly important to this person.  I look at this with much interest not because of the specifics of the story, but because it makes me look at my own behavior and all the situations and moments where I do the same thing – where I begin journeys and make choices from an unhealthy place.  When the first step is that far away from one’s deepest priorities, it does not mean it is impossible to get  where one wants to go, but imagine how much more gratifying life would be if we didn’t have to put ourselves through all that unnecessary angst and negativity. 

Notice I did not say how much easier life would be, as I actually think sometimes the healthier decisions are the harder ones, but in the long run and in the most delicate, vulnerable parts of our selves we end up stronger and more authentic.  It is certainly not easy for me to let go of certain friendships, but at this point the healthiest way for me to deal with the path they’ve gone down is to release them gently.  Any other decision would be based on fear, and while I might squeeze out a tiny bit more something from these relationships, this hanging on out of desperation will, in the long run, come at a price.  I have learned from experience making relationship choices out of fear never leads anywhere good.

I think the choice this person is making is somewhat normal and very human – there is a prize in the short term and certain worries will be alleviated for a few weeks.  But what then?  What of the time lost doing this other thing that will do nothing for this person’s most important goals and values?  More importantly, what does this decision do to help this person break out of an unhealthy, fearful and somewhat immature cycle?  At one point do we decide to put aside what looks immediately gratifying and alluring in order to plod through the muck and make our way to a more expansive existence, one that is a more accurate reflection of our deepest priorities?

I believe this is perhaps one of the greatest challenges for all of us – to take whatever time we need to take to make our way to the purest starting point before any new journey, decision or endeavor begins.  If we are each given our own personal psychic world, we need to learn how to avoid the dangerous parts of the jungles, the icy cliffs and the strong undertows.  We have to navigate through our own hearts and minds to find that open, golden field, or that tall, sheltering tree and mark it clearly on our maps so we always know how to find it.  And never forget that sometimes our safe haven is exactly where we are, and all that is required of us is to open our perspective wider so we see all that is around us, supporting us, protecting us and giving us all that we need.