Conditions
August 29, 2007
Wing Study #1 :: 5" x 7" on canvas
The thing my over-analytical brain loves about going to therapy is the opportunity to make connections that for whatever reason I was unable to see on my own. I am currently seeing someone who I love working with, and after every session I have with her, I always leave with new insights and interesting ideas to ponder. These sessions feel more like conversations between equals rather than some kind of overly emotional deep-sea diving. Right now, I choose to go to therapy for very practical reasons – to solve puzzles in my life and figure out the best way to maneuver through the various landmines I struggle with day to day.
Yesterday we touched upon the subject of unconditional love versus conditional love, and whether or not it was healthy, appropriate or realistic for unconditional love to be the basis of adult relationships. As children, we need unconditional love for all sorts of reasons, and giving that love is the responsible choice, particularly for parents. As adults, however, should unconditional love be the ultimate goal?
On the one hand, we want to be able to be ourselves at any given time. With the people I am closest to, I want to be able to be happy, grouchy, angry, weepy, imperfect, flawed and everything else in between. I don’t want to have to censor my emotions or feelings and I want to know that it is OK to make mistakes and maybe even make a fool of myself now and then. On the other hand, what if I decide to never return a friend’s phone calls or emails, or what if I continue to make commitments I don’t keep? Small offenses, perhaps, but I use these as examples because I think it is easy to apply conditions on the obvious issues (such as stealing or become abusive), but more difficult in these more benign instances.
I am not advocating writing some kind of magic list of "conditions under which I will maintain a relationship", but I do find the idea of adult relationships based on unconditional love a bit of an oxymoron. As adults, we all have responsibilities and commitments – to our families, our partnerships, our homes, our work, etc. Life is getting busier by the minute and priorities have to be made in order to create a life we feel passionate about. In making priorities we have to make choices, so am I going to choose to stay in a relationship that does not feed me? Am I to expect my husband to unconditionally love me if I decide to stop taking care of our home and/or start criticizing everything he does? These are not conditions in the sense of unbreakable rules, but over time, if certain – let’s call them needs instead of conditions – are not met, what do we owe one another? Do I owe a friend who has deeply hurt my feelings unconditional love simply because that looks like the nobler choice? Unconditional love might seem like a wonderful spiritual aspiration, but I am not quite convinced it is especially realistic for human beings.
Having said all of this, I could probably also very easily argue the point that we should, as humans living with each another on one small planet, do our best to offer unconditional love to as many people as possible, that only through love can the world be saved. But this feels like such an empty idea, an idea devoid of any real depth, and this is the point in the story where I admit I usually feel completely overwhelmed at all of the problems in this world and sometimes even within the confines of my tiny little family. I then go on to admit I have no answers to all of these questions but I am totally fascinated by them, that I will continue to ponder all of these conundrums in my own personal life as well as on a global scale.
And I would love to know what you think…what does unconditional love mean between adults? Is it the ultimate answer to all of our problems?
I have been thinking about this topic of unconditional love these past few weeks as well! I have mixed it with the idea of forgiveness. Becuase if I am to offer unconditional love this means I must offer unconditional forgiveness and how do you forgive but not excuse behavior? Do I offer you my unconditional love on the condition that you’ll respect it and not use it as an excuse to be bad knowing that I’ll keep forgiving & loving?
I do not know the answer and I am currently seeking counseling to debate this with someone to see if they can give new understanding. I’m pleased to hear that you’re having such success with your counseling. I have found it very helpful in the past and hope it will be in the future.
As a side note, I found your blog through Boho Girl and I think your work with the wings is exquisite.
whew! I have re-read parts of this post a couple of times. What a lot to think about. I often tell my fiance that I love him, but I also often tell him that I LIKE him too. I think that’s part of the process. We can talk about the ideal that is “unconditional love,” but side by side with it is sometimes “conditional like.” We like people or not based on how we interact with them… I don’t know if this helps either argument or just adds another layer. Either way I really loved this post – thanks for opening my brain up a tiny bit more today!!
Now you really have got me thinking. I’ll have to come back to you by email but I think you are onto something – unconditional love is incredibly hard to visualise in real life, between adults. Is it even the ideal? Hmmmm, I’m going to ponder this one more.
I think that somehow, I seperate the two. I can unconditionally love the friend who hurts me–know that she is a vibrant, dynamic human being–and still set up boundaries so that I can live a passionate life via speaking my truth. Unconditional love doesn’t mean accepting whatever comes my way. I can still love a friend and say, “XYZ hurts me,” and then we can work on that and if the friend is still doing XYZ, then I can assert a boundary and say that I cannot maintain the friendship because I don’t want to live a life where I am hurt.
I think that where I have gotten messed up in the past, and the way I have not enjoyed being treated in the past, is this: Perhaps I do the XYZ thing that violates a friends boundaries. I have no idea I’m doing it. Instead of talking to me about it, the friend just stops making contact. And I’ve been just as guilty of it–afraid of confronting someone about their behaviour, I’ve just let contact cease. And I now feel that that is a distinctly unloving act and one that I’m committed to never doing again.
I also think that choosing to love unconditionally–even when I choose not to be in relationship with someone anymore–is a choice that gives a person real power. Because what is the other option–resentment? And who does that hurt? Certainly not the other person as much as it would hurt me. I feel much more powerful when I make a choice to love someone unconditionally–it also makes it easier to let them go if the relationship cannot continue.
I think you have said it already; unconditional love is what we give to children, or people who have nothing to give back, for reasons beyond their control. However, if my husband, who is a healthy adult, decides to become a moron and to no longer care for the environment of our relationship, do I still love him because my love for him is not tied to certain conditions? I don’t know, because if he changed that much then he would no longer be the man I knew and loved in the first place. On the other hand, if he became ill and that changed his personality, then my love would be unconditional and I would try my best to support him. I guess what I am trying to say is that where there is intend to harm or neglect, there is little room for unconditional love. Have I just made my love conditional?