Shelter

Taken in Kyoto last month on the grounds of The Silver Temple.

It is sometimes in the farthest reaches of our minds, in those wee hours of the night when we are in our deepest moments of sleep, when the most profound messages come calling to us.  There are mornings I wake up with a dream from the night before re-playing itself vividly in my brain, and  it stays with me so intently throughout the day that I am still thinking of it when I go back to bed that night, sometimes even wishing I could dive right back into that experience.  It is one of those quirky hobbies of mine to intrepret dreams, and while I don’t claim to be any kind of expert I have found it usually isn’t terribly difficult to understand the symbolism, hidden meanings and clues that exist in all of our dreams.

In a dream I had the other night, there was someone I knew who was sick and dying, and another friend who was taking care of him.  While this was never said out loud, it was understood she was going to take care of him until he died.  All the other players in the dream, including myself, knew that she was deeply in love him and he with her, but they had some kind of unspoken agreement to not act on their love or even say it out loud because he was going to die and that would be too hard for both of them.  There was a certain contentment [read:  safety] in this decision, but just beneath the surface they both held deep longings for something more.

As a group of us were walking together, I was walking with my friend and telling her that she absolutely, positively had to share this love with him, that I knew it would lead to the most painful experience of her life but that she had no choice, she had to take advantage of this time with him no matter what.  After this exchange the dream gets fuzzy, but that particular part of it was crystal clear.  I was adamant, speaking to her in a way that was not consoling or pleading or especially sympathetic; I was practically admonishing her, talking to her as if she were a ten year old girl resisting her homework and I had to get the point across that without learning how to spell she would never succeed in life.  I was on the edge of being downright angry.

I believe this is one of humanity’s greatest struggles – to love openly and deeply without concerning ourselves with any possible future pain.  Perhaps we have been hurt in the past, or we know someone who was devastated by loss.  We have friends who we believe deserve only goodness and joy, but who have been thrust into the depths of despair by betrayal and selfishness.  We all have our stories, we all have our walls, we all have moments where the earth fell out from beneath us because we believed something to be true, or to be impossible, and then in one quick instant our deepest faith is shattered.  Where to go from those dark moments in order to get back into the light?

The place I always go to in those moments is a space of believing I am totally alone, that without this particular person or that particular trust I am woefully, permanently alone.  But the truth is that nothing could be farther from the truth, and in reality there are many more moments between humans that have love and positive energy than not.  It might be the most frightening thought to think of losing our dearest loved ones, but no matter how great a certain loss is – a loss of a friend, of a belief, of a trust – there will always be and endless well of light in our lives.  The friendly woman at the grocery store, the waiters who know you and take good care of you at your favorite restaurant, the blogger you’ve never met in person but whose words give you comfort everyday…all of these people and more provide light, provide hope.  They might not be able to soothe your deepest wounds or give you the answers you may be searching for, but in noticing those tiny exchanges of goodness you can open yourself up to morsels of support everywhere you go.

We may sometimes feel as if we are in a dark tunnel all alone, but if we can find the strength to light just one match, the truth will emerge that we are actualy surrounded by love and support.  Our physical selves may be alone in a room, but if we go inward, we can find shelter from our storms.  The shelter of a thousand bright green leaves, each one a thought, a wish for our well-being, a hope for our healing, from all over the universe.

"The simple act of accepting a stranger’s wish for our happiness empowers us to experience the world in a completely different way."  -John Maransky

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Snippets

On the way to Big Sur, CA.  Taken in 2006.

Last night as I fell asleep I fantasized about getting in my car and driving to Big Sur.
Whenever I have visions of flight, that is always where I imagine
myself going.  As wide and alluring as the rest of the world is, there
is something about Big Sur that makes me call it my favorite place on
earth.  I go there and feel as if I am in my own private universe where
nothing and no one can reach me.

*****

I had the sniffles all day yesterday, and for the entire day I kept wondering why this was happening.  "Is it allergies?  Am I just tired?"
Finally, sometime after dinner, it finally dawned on me that it is
nothing more than a mild cold.  It is so rare I actually get sick – one
of the benefits of working at home and avoiding contact with people
during all the various "seasons" (cold season, flu season) – that it
took me hours to realize, "Hey, I’m sick!"

*****

I have yet to write much about the weekend of all weekends with these amazing beauties,
but their most recent blog entries will give you a glimpse into some of
the sparkle we experienced.  I will be throwing in my stories and
snippets later this week, but for now I am still mulling it all over
and basking in the glow of a transformative time.

*****

A huge thanks to everyone who commented on my entry about a new blog idea.
I am saving all of them and collecting little scraps of inspiration,
bits of insight and morsels of imagination, all of which continue to
swirl around in my brain.  I will keep everyone posted on the status of
this project.

*****

I continue setting my sights on 2008, as I have established a
self-imposed deadline of the end of the year to figure out my next
chapter as an artist and writer.  It is exciting, uncomfortable and
challenging.  Believe it or not, the uncomfortable piece of that puzzle
is the reason I know I’m on the right track.

*****

A little excerpt on the importance of Being Present.  Wishing you a Happy Tuesday.

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Habits

Taken in Kyoto last month.

In this weekend’s Wall Street Journal, there was a small article on
some of the best books on succeeding in business.  I found their top
five list very intriguing, most especially because more than half of
the titles have female authors.  These titles managed to burn
themselves on my brain the instant I read them, and ever since I
snipped the article out of the paper and tacked it to the bulletin
board in my studio I have been carrying them around like mantras,
examining how their messages can help me get through the non-stop
freight train of social obligations that has now landed on our front
doorstep.

It is so easy to decide to make changes in our lives once this happens or that happens, once a certain period of time is over or certain obligations have been met, as in, "I’ll start incorporating exercise into my routine after I’ve organized my cotton ball collection,"
or whatever real or imagined Very Important Task has been marked off
our to do list.  I am now knee deep in the time of year when fun &
frolic abounds, and I plan on enjoying it all, but there have also been
certain changes I have wanted to incorporate into my life and I have
decided that now is as good a time as any – perhaps the best time
possible – to begin the process of changing certain habits and even
sending some on their merry way.

None of these changes are terribly taxing or mind-boggling.  They
don’t feel overwhelming or daunting.  But sometimes the smallest of
changes can feel paralyzing and I have found that it is always that
very first step that is the most difficult to take.  I somtimes find
myself standing in front of a new pathway for what feels like eons,
letting myself get distracted by anything and everything, and when I
finally decide to take that first step forward it is always the same
reaction:  "Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be,"
and I just keep walking.  I may slip and stumble along the way, but
once I’ve started I’m committed, and I always discover new delights I
had not anticipated.

The past ten days or so have been surreal, magical, difficult,
emotional and wondrous.  It has been a time of experiences through
which I am shown that no matter how many things I may think aren’t
exactly right or figured out in my life, I must certainly be precisely
where I am supposed to be, because I have been given gifts that most
likely would not have been granted to me had I taken a single step
differently at any given point in my life.  As if a certain confluence
of events was only possible by me doing and being exactly, precisely
who I am throughout every single day I have been on this earth.  Do we
all feel those touchpoints, those instances where we are assured in
every cell of our bodies that we are exactly where we are supposed to
be?

It is in this glimpse of perfection in my life, in the experience of feeling God’s love directly through the eyes of three extraordinary women,
in the gift of glittery bags of tea from India and colorful handmade
textiles from Afghanistan, in the stack of a month’s worth of birthday
cards that are now filling up my mailbox from my best friend, in the stories people have been willing to share with me, in the sound of my husband playing his violin, in my mom’s laughter, in the effort of a profoundly generous woman who helped me raise more than $1700 for the Breast Cancer 3-Day,
which I am participating in in less than two weeks…in all these
moments and more, I am shown something very simple yet sometimes
terribly difficult to believe:  that I am on the right path and I will
always have all the love and support I need.

So I am stepping forward on a few different paths this morning,
filled with the gratitude for all the blessings in my life, filled with
hope that I am capable of creating small but significant changes in my
daily routine, filled with the light that so many incredible souls have
shared with me, filled with the understanding that in messes, mishaps,
crying fits and disappointments, there are little jewels that have been
carved out just for us as long as we’re willing to do one small thing:
accept them.

*************************************************

The list of "Five Best" books on succeeding in business from The
Wall Street Journal.  Even if you aren’t looking to maximize your
profits or take your company public, these sound like fascinating reads.

* Personal Histroy by Katherine Graham
* The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp
* Winning by Jack Welch
* Never Check E-mail in the Morning by Julie Morgenstern
* The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

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Minutes

Taken in Kyoto, Japan last month.

I sat down 22 minutes ago believing I had a full half hour for a
blog entry, but for some reason my computer has decided it wants to
take its own sweet time doing just about everything I try, including
downloading pictures from this past weekend.  Such famous last words,
when referring to anything done on a computer, "Oh, it will only take [insert time allotment here]…"
and before you know it, a good chunk of your day has been gobbled up
trying to figure out why things aren’t working the way they are
supposed to.

So I will have to keep this entry brief, as I am headed to LAX to
see my girlies once more before they scatter to various parts of the
planet.  More on their visit and the magic of our time together later,
but in the meantime, I shall leave you with this:

The Sun Never Says

Even
After
All this time
The sun never says to the earth,

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the
Whole Sky.

-Hafiz

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Pondering

Wing Study #17 :: 8" x 8" on wood

I am pondering a few ways to branch out my work as an artist and
writer, and one of the ideas is a new blog.  I’m not sure if it would
need to be an entirely new blog or just a beefing up of this one, but I
would love as much feedback as possible from anyone and everyone.  The
concept is still a tad fuzzy, but the more I discuss it with people,
the more solidified it becomes, so any comments, ideas or requests that
you have would be greatly appreciated.

The idea is to create a blog that is about all things inspiring, a
clearinghouse of links, information, discussions, musings and resources
for anything and everything that might possibly feed one’s creative
soul.  A brainstorm of possible features includes:

* Daily inpsirational quotes
* Weekly top ten links of inspirational websites, stories and articles
* Interviews and guest blog entries with people from all walks of life who are living their dream
*
Discussions of various topics as they relate to creativity and the
creative process (i.e. fear, money, getting started, success, etc.)
* Information about various shows, events, workshops, etc. around the country
* Regularly updated book, magazine, music and film lists and links
* Creative project outlines & instructions

There would be multiple entries each day and regular features each
week; my job would be to scour the world in order to bring anything I
think might be inspiring to anyone visiting my blog.

That is about as concrete as I can get at this point, so I’ll pass the baton to you now…

* Does this sound interesting and useful?
* What are some topics you would like to see discussed on this blog?
* Are there any other inspiration-related blogs or websites you currently visit regularly?
*
Any thoughts on how to make this website as accesssible as possible?
In other words, I want this to be a blog that provides inspiration to
anyone, not just "artists".  This blog would be about creativity and
ways to tap into that for whatever one’s passions are, whether that is
painting, gardening, creating a home or getting in shape.

Please pass this link along to anyone who might be interested in
this and/or could provide some valuable feedback.  Many, many thanks,
and I’ll keep you posted on how this develops.

In the meantime, here are a few places that have been inspring me as of late:

* Frida and Frida’s photographs
* Ink On My Fingers and Colors On My Mind
* I love this woman’s recent posts on color.
* I am so excited I have tickets to this film in early November.
* …and also looking forward to the opening of Takashi Murakami’s exhibition at MOCA

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{Deep Breath}

This week is turning out to be one of those periods during which our
front door becomes a revolving entryway for a myriad of guests who
happen to be in need of an LA pit stop in the midst of other journeys.
One friend here for a night before flying off to London; another
needing a place to rest and re-group between Santa Barbara and Newport
Beach.  The latter will be back here Thursday night on their way home;
the following day three new guests will be here for a long weekend of
what I know will be some of the most incredible girl time ever known to
the universe.  This is always my main goal with whatever home I happen
to be living in – to create a safe, cozy haven that can be filled with
beautiful art, good music, and plenty of wild laughter, lazy naps and
soulful dinner parties.  To be filled with travelers making their way
all over the world.

I continue to exist in a strangely soft, mushy, quiet space where I
look rather busy and productive on the outside, but on the inside I am
doing my best to let my mind wander freely so I can see where it wants
to take me.  The part of me that exists deep down in the caverns has
decided to come forward and do whatever it can to keep my head in the
clouds for as long as possible, knowing that once November hits, the
holiday freight train will propel me forward at dizzying speeds and I
won’t have a lot of time to explore whatever it is she is searching
for.   I have teeter-tottered between moments of incredible clarity and
a profound sense of inner peace and episodes of panic, wondering why I
can’t seem to snap out of this peculiar mindset.  I don’t even like
that term "inner peace".  It sounds so pre-packaged and self-help-ish,
but I don’t know how else to describe in just two words the feeling of
being able to completely shed my ego and false self – that self that
thrives on approval from others and lives in fear of judgment.
Somehow, some way, I have actually seen and felt the amazing gift of a
direct connection to the divine where all things are possible and I
have nothing – literally nothing – to worry about.  Ever.

I have lived with a heart-wrenching question for most of my life, a
question of why I was not/have not been/am not currently worthy of
someone’s love, effort, devotion, etc.  I have applied this question to
various people throughout my life, mainly those who I believe ought to
have given that love to me out of an objective sense of integrity
within whatever context they happened to be (usually family).  While I
have posed this question with regard to a number of different
relationships, it always ultimately goes back to one in particular, and
while I still sometimes struggle with the abandonment I experienced, I
have learned to embrace any number of very rational reasons why I need
not take it personally.

This has been perhaps my greatest angst among a long list of angsts throughout my life thus far, this feeling of not being worthy.
This feeling that another person experiences me and whatever I am
trying to offer and makes the choice to turn away.   As if it were
always a conscious choice.  As if it were at all personal.  As if it
had anything to do with me.

My rational self has gotten its best workouts from these issues, as
I have made the effort to build those "Don’t Take Things Personally"
muscles in many ways and over a long period of time.  So my rational
self knows very well that I am only creating my own pain when I give
these questions of worth in another person’s eyes any serious
consideration.  My emotional self has had a harder time, but there has
been something in these "spiritual glimpses" of late that are beginning
to show me the way to the most profound sense of healing and release I
have ever known.

In The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, there is a line about one of the characters in the book that says, "You exist as Michael’s mother only because you first exist as God’s creature."
What this says to me is that no matter who we are, what we do or
whomever else we might have a connection to in this life, our
connection to God exists above all of this.  While this quote does not
say this explicitly, it also tells me that I may not be able to ever
completely count on another person’s love, but I can always count on
God loving me, and if I ever lose sight of this, it will always be the
beginning of losing my way.  I will be totally honest and say my
glimpses into this Truth have so far been fleeting.  They are, in fact,
almost frightening, as this desire to completely let go and Trust has
become so entangled with Fear of Rejection that I am still getting used
to the idea that old rules do not apply in this case.  Still, as
fleeting as they may be for the time being, they are, quite simply, blissful.

I have never been a religous person, never gone regularly to church
and have rarely been comfortable discussing spiritual ideas.  I don’t
know why this is, but talking about God feels awkward to me.  It feels
so terribly personal and interior.  But as I write this I
wonder if this might be the product of an old, unhealthy model – a way
of existing and seeing myself in the world that I need no longer
embrace.  This is what my inner explorations seem to be all about right
now – questions of what premises and assumptions I am living my life
by.   What beliefs have I been carrying around with me that I need to
let go of, and what does this mean for my work as an artist, my role as
a wife,  and my existence as a woman?  If I don’t believe in storms,
where will I go when it rains?

I am exploring questions, but not necessarily looking for answers.
I am trying to solve a puzzle but know the pieces will soon change
shape in such a way that whatever image I come up with will transform
before I blink.  I am wandering through a world without a map, drawing
a picture with invisible ink, listening to the most beautiful music in
absolute silence.   I am floating, with my feet firmly planted on the
earth.

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It’s Not Up To You

This photo is actually about the size of a business card, from a page of "cigarette photos" purchased at an outdoor book market in Havana.  In the 40s, if you bought a package of cigarettes in Cuba, they came with these small photos that people collected.  This is one of my favorite images.

The sky today is covered with soft, grayish clouds, the kind of
weather that makes me feel incredibly sloth-ish, as if the cloud layer
is a giant blanket begging me to crawl under it and just sleep the day
away.  But there are always tasks to accomplish, and every day this
week I have woken up committed to the idea of wrapping up everything
that has been lingering on my to do list since I got home from Japan,
and every day I have barely managed to get one or two things finished
mainly thanks to a number of internet-related distractions.  I
sometimes amaze my very self by the fact that my ability to be totally
focused and committed exists alongside a propensity to distraction that
is equally as strong.  Just this morning as I was doing my usual
morning kichen clean-up, I saw that my little bamboo plant wasn’t
looking very happy and decided on the spot to dump it all out and
re-pot it, washing off all the little rocks it lives in and trimming
its yellow leaves.  It needed to be done, yes, but right then and there?

These contradictions and anamolies exist in all facets of my life.
I believe in living in a place of gratitude yet I am capable of griping
and complaining quite a bit.  I want to approach any situation,
relationship or experience from a place of acceptance, but my
judgemental high horse is always standing by ready for me to climb
aboard.  I want to live without expectations but sometimes obsess over
things that don’t go as well as I think they could.

In all of these inconsistencies, in my day to day life,
relationships and work my goal is not try to smother the side of the
coin that I deem "negative", but to examine those behaviors and
attitudes that don’t fit in with the kind of person I strive to be.  I
do believe in gratitude and these thoughts are part of every one of my
days, yet lately I have been letting out a list of complaints a mile
long about one specific situation I am struggling with.  I am being
judgemental, not very compassionate and rather self-absorbed.  This
isn’t who I want to be, so what am I to do about it?  Berate myself?
Punish myself?  Keep complaining and chalk it up to "it is what it
is?"  Or stop, shut the hell up, and take a look at why I feel
compelled to put so much focus on this particular situation when there
are so many other positive things I can give my attention to.  When I
sit still with this particular struggle, it is actually pretty easy to
see where the angst is coming from.  The good news is that instead of
it getting me down it is helping me realize that my reactions make
quite a lot of sense in light of other totally unrelated
circumstances in my life.  By understanding it I can begin to move away
from the negative behavior and carry with me one more bit of insight
and understanding that can help me through the depths down the road.

I don’t believe in blaming myself for everything or taking
responsibility for things that are not my doing, but I do believe in
keeping the focus on my own behavior and being honest with myself
rather than expending energy to point my finger at the rest of the
world for whatever I happen to be struggling with.   The world, and all
the people in it, is going to give you what it is going to give you.
We each have the ability to take in what we want and try not to absorb
what we don’t and the only control we have over any of it is how we
handle it, how we decide, as individuals, to move through whatever
minefield is in front of us.

Or maybe, just maybe, in some of these situations, the mine field is
actually a open plain of sunflowers, wanting nothing more than for us
to run through it wildly with our heads thrown back and our arms open
wide.

I wake up
And the day feels
Broken
I tilt my head
I’m trying to get an angle
‘Cause the evening
I’ve always longed for
It could still happen

There’s too much
Clinging
To peak
There’s too much
Pressure

It’s Not Up To You, Bjork

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Looking For A Bridge

Zen rock garden in Kyoto, Japan.  Taken last month.

For a very long time I wanted to creatively conquer the world and
inspire as many people as possible to follow their dreams.  I was 25
years old when a clear idea of how I might be able to do this came to
me and 28 years old when I embarked upon that journey.  That journey
was Swirly.  And against all
odds, all the competition, all the things I didn’t know how to do and
all the things I did wrong, I actually did it.  No, I didn’t become
Oprah huge, but in the universe of the work I did as an artist, I made
a significant mark and it is one of my proudest achievements.  These
days it is not over and done with, but I took my creative focus away
from it a while ago, which was the best thing for me to do as an artist
and a woman.

Since then I have been putting my energies toward an entirely
different creative universe, and while I have had some great successes
with that as well, it is such a different beast that I’m still not
entirely sure I want to become too entrenched in it.  The world I am in
now revolves around "fine art", galleries, shows, and selling original
work to those who are able to see it as a result of my own marketing
and efforts or those of the galleries I am in.  With Swirly, my work
was being dispersed many times over through everything from greeting
cards to watches, aided by sales reps across the country, licensing
agents and licensing partners.  Swirly was about volume, product
placement and brand recognition; the work I am doing now is about
wanting my work to move and inspire people in such a way that they
simply cannot live without having it on their wall.  Both kinds of
audiences – "markets" if you will – and purchases can be emotional and
valuable, but one requires a great deal more thought and investment
from the buyer, particularly as prices for original work goes up.

I have very mixed feelings about the idea of trying to pursue a
level of success that will ensure that many people cannot afford my
original work.  I am not interested in undervaluing the work I do, but
I feel like I am straddling two worlds, or maybe the better term is two
mindsets – one, which I lived by for a very long time, was about
wanting to share my work as widely as possible and earning an income
was all about volume.  The second is also about wanting to share my
work as widely as possible, but earning an income is more about
developing a strong enough following as an artist that my work commands
higher prices and therefore volume is not the goal.  I have actually
lost interest in trying to have my name or "brand" plastered on as many
things as possible, because I am so sick and tired of reading about all
of these people wanting to create their own "lifestyle brands" and
people who are so desperate for fame that they subject themselves to
reality TV shows and the like.  I’m not sure why this obsession with
fame has grown to such a fever pitch in our society, but I find it
rather disturbing.  Do this many people feel so alone and invisible in
the world that they can’t be happy simply being themselves?

But I digress.  I am not exactly sure where these questions of late
are taking me, but I feel stuck between two questions with no bridge in
sight.   On the one hand, I am completely fed up with the notion that I
must somehow compensate for the very fortunate fact of being able to
say I am an artist by undervaluing my work.  On the other hand, I have
an almost visceral aversion to the idea of trying to create any kind of
"hype" or "cache" around my work as an artist in order make the right
people believe they ought to be paying thousands of dollars for one
painting.  I’m not sure I want to become part of that race.  I’m not
sure I’d like the rules.

It is a gift and a curse to feel compelled to examine so many
things, to ask questions and to be willing to follow them without any
kind of map.  But this is who I am and I’m not foolish enough to think
I can turn this part of myself off.  There is also no chance I will
ever be able (or willing) to turn away my creative self, so maybe the
specifics of that journey aren’t as important as I sometimes think they
are – as long as I am an artist, I am being true to myself and that
alone makes a positive impact on the world.  When I travel, I prefer to
take each day as it comes, avoid a lot of plans and to wander, wander,
wander.  That is what I am trying to do now with all of the questions
swirling around in my brain.  Rather than try to tackle them hard and
beat the answers out of them, I’m trying to just take them for long
walks and see what they have to show me.  Maybe I won’t find a bridge,
but I bet I see a lot of cool stuff along the way.

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To Being Still

Don,t touch.  No, that’s not a typo.  Check out the sign in the lower left hand corner.  I actually didn’t even notice that when I took the photograph.  I noticed it just now.  Taken in Asakusa, Tokyo last month.

After getting through the new problems that inevitably arise
whenever I get the hair-brained idea to re-design my entire website, it
is finally up and running.  The issues I encountered trying to get the
new pages uploaded are still mystery problems that will someday need to
get solved, but for now I accepted having to work around whatever
glitches found their way into my computer since the last time I sent
new files to my server.  I did manage to solve a few hiccups on my own,
though, and for some reason finding the answers to website questions is
mightily gratifying.  I particularly love the bugs that require me to
delve into the source code to see what might be clogging my work.  It
is the yin to my messy, impulsive, creative yang that ends up covered
in paint and glitter at the end of a day in my studio.  One side needs
the other and they each serve a purpose in my life.

It is an oddly quiet time for me.  There are projects to do, a
couple of deadlines and a few significant personal projects on the
horizon, but this week my calendar is entirely clear and today I am
actually feeling fairly crappy with a sore throat threatening to take
over.  It is tempting to slog through it and stay at my computer
because I don’t feel entirely miserable and sitting here working isn’t
necessarily taxing, but I think the message I am getting at this exact
moment is to take a break.

There have been so many times when I’ve wished I could flip a switch
and turn the world off, just for one day here and there.  Then last
week I got this very opportunity when the power was down on my block
for more than 12 hours.  From 9:30am until who knows when that night -
as I went to bed by candlelight – there was no computer, no lights, no
internet, no nothing.  And it drove me crazy.  I am proud of
the fact that I didn’t let it get me completely out of sorts, for I
reminded myself that there are plenty of other people in the world who
have to deal with these kind of inconveniences all the time, including
my friend/superhero Frida, but I was still caught off guard by how much it annoyed me.  How I couldn’t help but say to myself, "This is messing up my plans!" I not only got irritated, but I was also hell-bent on Getting Things Done anyway.

Today is a different story, and even though the power is up and
running just fine, I am now going to flip a switch and turn the world
off, at least for a few hours.  My method of immediately attaching
myself to the couch when I feel any inkling of illness is a tried and
true practice.  It is almost as if the cold, flu or other random bug
comes looking for all kinds of action and activity so it can multiply
and take over, but instead I sit still and it gets totally bored and
therefore decides to just go away.

Here’s to lying on the couch on a sunny day in order to avoid being
stuck on the couch for an entire week, to hot cups of tea, the wind
singing softly outside and my most comfy sweats.  Here’s to being still.

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Being Seen

Sweets in a Kyoto marketplace.  Taken last month.

Between brutal jet lag and an entire day without power, last week
felt slightly surreal.  It is all too true that any journey has the
potential to create change within ourselves, but I returned from Japan
with a stronger feeling of awkwardness than I had anticipated.  As if,
while I was away, all the furniture in my house had been re-arranged,
but no one told me and it took a few days to realize that is why
everything felt slightly cock-eyed.  Once I saw things had moved from
their original place, it took some time to get used to the new
arrangement, and I am still figuring out how to maneuver in the new
scheme of things.

Over the weekend there was an event that, for various reasons, was
something I had very mixed feelings about.  A joyous occasion on the
surface, but beneath the glimmer a lot of deep emotions and wounds were
swirling around wildly.  On the day of this event, I took a strenuous,
hilly training walk and then went to a friend’s house for her
daughter’s 2nd birthday.  It was then time for me to face the next
chapter in the day with as smiley a face as I could muster, and I
wasn’t sure I could pull it off.  I listened to Buddhist lectures on my
ipod all morning, visualized letting go of all the negative thoughts
and feelings festering in my mind and gave myself a tough workout to
try to exhaust the negativity out of me, but there was a part of me
that, admittedly, was still clinging to the idea of being stubborn and,
quite frankly, too self-involved to set my feelings aside for the sake
of others around me.  I wanted to hold on to at least a tiny bit of my
pain, as if by this strange, interior act of defiance I would assure a
certain twisted sense of integrity.  Something along the lines of, "If
I’m not 100% authentic in my openness and generosity in this situation,
then I’m honoring the pain I’ve experienced and acknowledging my most
wounded self."

It sounds so silly now, but it made perfect sense just yesterday.

When I got back home, someone initiated a conversation with me that
I was not expecting, a conversation in which this person acknowledged -
out loud and with a completely open and compassionate heart – how
difficult the next many hours would most likely be for me, how on so
many levels and for so many reasons my emotions would be tugged in this
direction and that direction, all reminding me of some of the darkest
places in my past.  In a nutshell, what this person said to me was, "I see you," and
while I had not realized it until that moment, it was exactly what I
needed to hear.  It was one of the sweetest moments of life, I tell
you, one of those instances where the relief of feeling understood and
acknowledged is so palpable as to almost have its own aroma.  A moment
where you realize that sometimes the most profound gift you can give to
those you love is the willingness to walk through your own emotional
fires.  Quietly.  Without fanfare.  Without any expectation that anyone
will ever really appreciate how much courage you had to muster to open
your very own heart.  Because the truth is that if anyone else around
you has any compassion whatsoever, they most assuredly understand the
gift you are offering.

The ultimate effect of this recognition has taken me quite by
surprise, and has occurred so quickly that I am almost tempted to be
skeptical of it, but deep down I know it is genuine.  You see, for a
long while now I have kept a tiny bubble within myself reserved
especially for a certain agonizing, infuriating experience, and there
were all kinds of very rational, yes-that-makes-sense reasons while I
felt justified in doing so.  But the instant this conversation
occurred, it was as if the person who initiated it put a pin to my
little bubble, in the most delicate way, and ever since it happened
that bubble of anger has simply…melted.  What now seems painfully
obvious is that I don’t need that bubble, it serves no purpose, and it
is an unbelievable relief not to have to carry it around with me
anymore.  That bubble is from the past.  It has no place here in the
present, so I can let it dissipate quietly.  Without fanfare.  Without
any expectation that anyone will ever understand how surprising and
beautiful this release really is.

As much as I preach about living in the present, it is sometimes a
herculean task to do so, for it often involves our willingness to
FORGIVE in blazing neon letters and take a sledgehammer to our fears
and heartaches.  While fear, heartache and negativity might not be
"fun", in some ways they can be quite comfortable; they can feel safe,
familiar and oddly enough, rather soothing.  But the truth is that this
type of safety is a mirage, and the more we cling to these little
bubbles of anger and resentment, the more roadblocks we face in our
attempts at becoming whole and as deeply compassionate as possible.  I
still have bubbles to burst and jungles to conquer, but I will carry
this experience with me now and pull it out when I need to – a poison
arrow for the next resentful snake that slithers into my consciousness,
a silver dagger for whatever emodiment of rage tries to stand in my way.

"If it is love you are looking for, take a knife and cut off the head of fear."  Rumi

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