Zen rock garden in Kyoto, Japan.  Taken last month.

For a very long time I wanted to creatively conquer the world and
inspire as many people as possible to follow their dreams.  I was 25
years old when a clear idea of how I might be able to do this came to
me and 28 years old when I embarked upon that journey.  That journey
was Swirly.  And against all
odds, all the competition, all the things I didn’t know how to do and
all the things I did wrong, I actually did it.  No, I didn’t become
Oprah huge, but in the universe of the work I did as an artist, I made
a significant mark and it is one of my proudest achievements.  These
days it is not over and done with, but I took my creative focus away
from it a while ago, which was the best thing for me to do as an artist
and a woman.

Since then I have been putting my energies toward an entirely
different creative universe, and while I have had some great successes
with that as well, it is such a different beast that I’m still not
entirely sure I want to become too entrenched in it.  The world I am in
now revolves around "fine art", galleries, shows, and selling original
work to those who are able to see it as a result of my own marketing
and efforts or those of the galleries I am in.  With Swirly, my work
was being dispersed many times over through everything from greeting
cards to watches, aided by sales reps across the country, licensing
agents and licensing partners.  Swirly was about volume, product
placement and brand recognition; the work I am doing now is about
wanting my work to move and inspire people in such a way that they
simply cannot live without having it on their wall.  Both kinds of
audiences – "markets" if you will – and purchases can be emotional and
valuable, but one requires a great deal more thought and investment
from the buyer, particularly as prices for original work goes up.

I have very mixed feelings about the idea of trying to pursue a
level of success that will ensure that many people cannot afford my
original work.  I am not interested in undervaluing the work I do, but
I feel like I am straddling two worlds, or maybe the better term is two
mindsets – one, which I lived by for a very long time, was about
wanting to share my work as widely as possible and earning an income
was all about volume.  The second is also about wanting to share my
work as widely as possible, but earning an income is more about
developing a strong enough following as an artist that my work commands
higher prices and therefore volume is not the goal.  I have actually
lost interest in trying to have my name or "brand" plastered on as many
things as possible, because I am so sick and tired of reading about all
of these people wanting to create their own "lifestyle brands" and
people who are so desperate for fame that they subject themselves to
reality TV shows and the like.  I’m not sure why this obsession with
fame has grown to such a fever pitch in our society, but I find it
rather disturbing.  Do this many people feel so alone and invisible in
the world that they can’t be happy simply being themselves?

But I digress.  I am not exactly sure where these questions of late
are taking me, but I feel stuck between two questions with no bridge in
sight.   On the one hand, I am completely fed up with the notion that I
must somehow compensate for the very fortunate fact of being able to
say I am an artist by undervaluing my work.  On the other hand, I have
an almost visceral aversion to the idea of trying to create any kind of
"hype" or "cache" around my work as an artist in order make the right
people believe they ought to be paying thousands of dollars for one
painting.  I’m not sure I want to become part of that race.  I’m not
sure I’d like the rules.

It is a gift and a curse to feel compelled to examine so many
things, to ask questions and to be willing to follow them without any
kind of map.  But this is who I am and I’m not foolish enough to think
I can turn this part of myself off.  There is also no chance I will
ever be able (or willing) to turn away my creative self, so maybe the
specifics of that journey aren’t as important as I sometimes think they
are – as long as I am an artist, I am being true to myself and that
alone makes a positive impact on the world.  When I travel, I prefer to
take each day as it comes, avoid a lot of plans and to wander, wander,
wander.  That is what I am trying to do now with all of the questions
swirling around in my brain.  Rather than try to tackle them hard and
beat the answers out of them, I’m trying to just take them for long
walks and see what they have to show me.  Maybe I won’t find a bridge,
but I bet I see a lot of cool stuff along the way.