Photo of me taken by the extraordinarily talented Denise.

Things have been still in my studio for some time now, the one shining exception being the blissful evening spent with these three lovelies creating like crazy, with splotches of paint, scraps of paper and bits of glitter all over my floor by the time our art frenzy was done.  The canvas tarp that usually covers up my floor is rolled up for the time being; all works in progress are stacked neatly on my shelves.  Books are put away, works from one of my recent shows are lined up on the floor according to size, my art table is orderly.  Most of the work I have been doing lately has been on websites, on writing, on spending time with a beautiful array of guests that have been streaming in and out of our house.  I have also been walking a lot to prepare for next week’s Breast Cancer 3-Day, raising donations and getting all the details in order for this amazing adventure.  In many ways my creative work has been quiet and still; in other ways there has been a flurry of activity that has helped me sort out my thoughts on where I want to go with my work in the new year.

I am a Doer.  I set my mind to something and heaven help anyone who decides to get in my way, although admittedly I have softened a bit, realizing that often times making dreams real involves a lot of patience and compromise.  I have always had this drive in me and always had a deep desire to live a bold, creative, passionate life.  Most of the time this way of being in the world has served me, but lately I have been questioning a lot of the premises upon which my choices and actions are based.  I don’t necessarily think I’ve been wrong, but I came to realize it was time to examine certain belief systems that up until then I had pretty much taken for granted.  Are the structures I have thus far centered my life around still working?  Necessary?  Helpful? 

I have let it be OK for the past month or so that my paintbrushes sat quietly in the variety of jars they call home.  I have not put pressure on myself to plan anymore shows, organize events or create an action plan for 2008.  All I have done is let my mind wander, and talked to just about anyone who would listen about the various ideas dancing around in my head.  With each day, each conversation and each brainstorm, ideas have solidified and taken shape.  Without really deciding This Is One Thing I Am Definitely Going To Do, I started building my new blog.  Without really knowing precisely how I am going to orchestrate it, I have already presented another idea to a few people who I know can help me get it off the ground.  And without resisting a sudden urge to get out of bed last night to act on an idea that came bouncing into my brain the instant the lights were turned out, I crept downstairs to my computer to share this idea with my possible co-horts to say "Are you game?"  I simply could not wait until morning; the idea came to me so vividly and forcefully I had no choice but to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

I am not planning on ditching my entire identity to become someone or something new, but for whatever reason I have managed to release certain belief systems, ideals and concepts about what it means to be "successful" and "good", and in releasing these I have made room for new constructs, new approaches and a flurry of new possibilities.  I wrote about expanding the labels I put on Who I Am in this month’s issue of All Things Girl, and when I wrote that I was at the beginning of this journey of exploration and questioning.  I still don’t have things completely figured out, but I feel a new awakening, a blossoming that could not have occurred had I kept going along with the status quo.  Sometimes it takes a close inspection of the deepest held beliefs we have about ourselves to uncover those doorways that will lead us to worlds we never knew existed.  Worlds within our lives, within our relationships, within our work and within our connection to the world.

I have taken a pickax to the walls before me and a piercing light has burst through.  I’m still a little blinded by it, but have started to see the flora and fauna beyond the portal, and it is extraordinary.  I still have much to learn and work to do, but I’m on my way and there’s no turning back.

Onward I go.