Not Yet
March 25, 2008
"Even though the acceptance of what is happening may be confusing, just accept the given situation and do not try to make it something else…just see it, perceive it, and then abandon it." -Judith Lief
Maybe I take it all too seriously, always trying to make the best possible decisions from a place of acceptance, silence and compassion rather than fear, anger or desperation. On a bike ride this morning – taken for the express purpose of exhausting myself in hopes this would quiet all the voices that have been clamoring for my attention over the past week – I thought about how much easier it would be if I just didn’t care about these things. Wouldn’t life be simpler if I just took the easiest path possible and avoided serious thought on anything? Do I make things more complicated than I need to?
I think the answers to these questions are a resounding yes, but I am afraid it is not in my nature to blindly wander through any kind of serious decision making process, such as one that involves a canceled trip to Tibet that had been in the works for almost two years and the possibility of heading to a new destination somewhere else on the globe. Throw in a handful of other travel companions and two travel agents and that’s a lot of people trying to make sense of one another’s motivations, desires, fears and frustrations, not to mention their own.
I have been expending a great deal of energy trying to put on a brave, enlightened face and sink as deeply as possibly in a space of acceptance. While there have been brief, blissful moments of quiet – when I have been able to hear what my heart has to say – for the most part all of this uncertainty has made me feel pretty cranky and frustrated. When I close my eyes, take a deep breath and visualize everything melting away I experience a deep calmness, but then I open my eyes and my mind starts racing again and the cycle gets stuck on the repeat button.
The back and forth that has been going on in my head over the past few days is whether or not to shift gears entirely and head to India in early May, when I was supposed to be in Tibet. India is at the top of my list of desired destinations and I was beginning to believe the universe was conspiring to get me there sooner than I expected. When I let my mind wander and my excitement take over, I was ready to book a new flight, but in those tiny in between spaces – when I take those deep breaths and listen to my heart – what I am hearing is that now is not the time. Going to India is so important to me, and I do not want to go there under circumstances that feel so frantic and desperate. I can sit tight and give myself another string of months – not even a full year – and go there when the weather will be milder and I have the time to create a journey that is less about running wild on adrenalin and more about soaking it all in quietly. Maybe I am making a choice that is too timid, but at this point I’m willing to lean on the less adventurous side in order to stay centered and focused.
I have decided not to make any other plans…for now. Once a few other details in my life get worked out, I just might jump on a plane to Amsterdam or Ireland or somewhere on earth I’ve never been but that, at this point, will most likely be a tad easier and low-key than Delhi and the Taj Mahal. Or I must just stay home, and take the time I was to spend trekking through the Himalayas to explore more possibilities for my book and new territories in my studio. Right now I want to simply be still, and when the wind stirs up again, I will let it take me where it wants.
I will be in India. But not yet….not just yet.
sounds like good bike ride thinkin’ to me!!
“And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our feet, and learn to be at home.” – Wendell Berry
may blessings abound…(I think they will, indeed)….xoxo
A “timid” decision? Certainly not! How could it be when you’ve chosen to listen to your inner wisdom? It makes perfect sense to me, Christine… And believe it or not, I do see a calm, grounded, intelligent woman examining all of the possibilities and going with what feels right. Hugs, Shari
Any decision made from such a conscious place can never be timid.
But you can make things a bit easier on yourself. And traveling through there anytime after April is extremely challenging weather wise. Especially if you want to go to the South. I spent April in Delhi, Agra, Jaipur, Pushkar, Varanasi, Rishikesh, and Dharamshala, and it never went below 95 with the exception of Dharamshala, which in my opinion isn’t really India, and is the closet thing to Tibet you will get. I would go back there again and again and again.
With that said, I will add my 15 cents about India:
I spent two month there last year. March and April. The truth is that whether you plan on traveling the 5 star route, or the more low keyed backpacker route, nothing can prepare you for India. NOTHING.
Take your time. The softer and quieter your spirit is for India the better it will be for you. But I have come to believe that India purpose in this universe is to take it all from you, shake it up, and throw it up in the air to see where it lands. It will change you forever.
She is still not done with me… can you tell?
i am so glad to that we are feeling the same way about this trip…and you are so much more adventurous than i am. i really want to travel to india but it just isn’t feeling “right” to me right now. it will be amazing when we do go…i just know it will! xoxo
Wow! Being new to blogging, I forgot that I could read your blog for an update on your trip. Next time I’ll check in here first. I, too, have given up the idea of Tibet for now. For me, travel is very fluid and the right next trip always appears. I wish the same to you and your fellow travelers.
Just what I needed to read today. Love to you, Christine!
prayers of peace and acceptance to you this evening…
all that thinking is good! it’s the thinking of a woman of integrity and thoughtfulness, not needless obsessing. these are important decisions, very important decisions and you chose live our lives with a mindfulness as to the impact of your choices and your actions. i love that about you, we share that, it makes for a more complicated decision making process (shall we talk about the question of me having children again? i have abour four new factors to consider on the ethics of that one) but it also means we are living in a way which is consistent (or as consistent as possible) with what we believe. My psych text would say we are avoiding congnitive dissonance…
i totally see the wisdom of waiting for india.
love you.
x
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