Details
May 20, 2008
[Photo taken by Andrea Scher]
It is almost noon and I am still in my first thing out of bed uniform of Adidas sweatpants and t-shirt. Haven’t washed my face or gotten dressed; I woke up, threw on some clothes, did the crossword puzzle, had coffee, came upstairs and have been at my computer all morning.
I have been in a weird head space the past few days, feeling a cloud of doubt and fear swirl around me that has created a giant swell of resistance towards my book. I have learned to be patient with these inexplicable mood shifts, always being grateful they don’t take me so deep I can’t at least go through the motions of what I need to get done on any given day. I am not going to explain this well at all, but there is a Buddhist story about a spirit/spiritual entity that is an enemy of the Buddha, and whenever this entity would show up, Buddha would be like, “Hey there!! Come closer to me and let’s hang out!!” There is much more to it than that, but I love the idea that instead of resisting or trying to fight this entity, Buddha simply invited it in to stay as long as it liked. That is how I try to deal with these little dark clouds that sometimes float into my consciousness – just let them be there, trusting they’ll eventually get bored by my inattention and float away.
I have been able to distract myself with a lot of little things, including a last minute trip I must now take up north to my printer tomorrow. Trying to print a hardcover and softcover version of my book is turning out to be a rather technically difficult challenge, so I have to take all of my completed pages to my printer to discuss margins, bleed requirements and whether or not a 1/8″ shift between the two versions will throw off my designs too much. We’ll also be setting firm deadlines for when I’ll have to get my final artwork to them, and today on the phone a date in June was actually thrown out to me. I almost fainted, but decided not to panic until tomorrow when we can map everything out face to face, knowing there is probably a bit more wiggle room in there as far as the final final possible deadline.
I am going to go downstairs, have lunch, then wash my face and put some proper clothes on so I can spend the entire afternoon writing. I am in a weird, somewhat grumpy, doubtful, fearful mood and I think this is the best possible time to honestly explore this experience for my book. If I wait until I’m perfectly cheery or feeling like a rock star, I run the risk of adding too rosy of a sheen to the darker moments in our lives. Knowing I’ve been far lower than this at other times in my life I am confident today’s writing won’t go too far down the rabbit hole, but will instead (hopefully) be an honest observation and recognition of all the ways we can maneuver through these periods of doubt and insecurity with our faith in the world and ourselves intact.
“The psychic task which a person can and must set for himself is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.” -Erich Fromm
you always say you work best with deadlines and I know you will get this book completed. Can’t wait to see it…and you in less than 2 weeks!!! xoxo
with you…
xo
j
* love love love this photo….
That is a wonderful, beautiful picture. . .
That is a wonderful, beautiful picture. . .
to quote a wise woman i came across recently…
Linda
“Your strongest, bravest, wisest self is waiting for you with wide open arms. Go to her and you shall become her.”
and then Queen Latifah..”You GO Girl!”
Thank you for giving us your story of doubt, nerves, etc., People always see or hear about the end product and not how challenging the process is. It is very powerful and to move forward from that place is amazing, which you are! We all anxiously await your illustrated “baby”. Hugs & Peace to get you going!
Henry James: “We work in the dark – we do what we can – we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art.”
Love PJ days…..
I sensed that you were looking for the darker part of your truth to also have it’s honest place in this book – so maybe that’s what your own deep inner wisdom is leading you to with this time of darker tones. Please know that I’m totally up for loooooong days of writng/working and will not be a bad influence at all. Except for pre-agreed hug and boogie breaks, of course!
i always remember that the dark part of the forest can sometimes be the scary part, but the other side is so amazing…the dark is strongest before the light…so good to sit with that and tap into it and let me tell you…wearing the first thing out of bed outfit is something I too have become familiar with…and coffee in the morning and not really doing anything seemingly productive until around lunch time…it can actually be quite fun…
go get em budda
Fabulous photo! I like what you said about your negative thoughts getting bored with your inattention…there is much wisdom here.
Gosh, this sounds so much like my life and my struggle. I think there are important things to learn in those dark places, although I do not know how we learn them. I do know that when we come out the other side, we are changed, stronger, more of who we are.
I have to be careful to focus on the good things, and careful not to dwell in the fear– but at the same time, careful not to run from it, either, because then it takes too much power. I like the inviting the demons in thing. I too talk to mine. I say, “thanks for sharing, but I have work to do.”
You rock!
I’ve found when the darkness arrives that sometimes it’s best to let it run it’s course. It has come for a reason and for me it’s best to be gentle with myself while it’s there because like anything I know it will pass.
I’m totally a fan of staying in my yoga pants and huge tee all day…
those dark clouds have been swirling around me all year…i like the idea of inviting them in to stay as long as they want…that kind of disempowers them doesn’t it…..i have missed so much while i was distracted…hugs and blessings, rebecca
thank you for teaching me to sit with my emotions, invite them over for tea and move through them.
thank you for sharing your own process with this, so that others may be inspired by your wisdom and be this daring.
love that quote. love everything about this post. love you.
xo
Love your laughter! through all that have been going on for you…i’ve found ‘laughing is the best medicine’. still in my pjs’ and also need to go down to get ‘cleaned-up’.
Know what i love most about you? (except you of course).
your honesty! Cause when it is good it’s good and when it is bad it’s bad…but through it all you are living! Living Big! xx
How can one not smile looking at this photo!? xo
Thank you for sharing this, Christine. Seeing other people sharing their funks always inspires me in unexpected ways~ honesty is inspiring, I guess it’s that simple!
I just came here from Frida’s Notebook so I’m behind in my Swirly blog-reading. You have a book coming out? Congratulations! That’s exciting news! Imagine holding that first edition in your hands…
what a perfect idea. To welcome it and allow it to be.
This was just what I needed today.
XO