Unsettled
[Taken in Joshua Tree last month.]
To look at the circumstances of my life at this exact moment is to see a picture perfect scenario: my book is done, all went well when I delivered everything to my printer yesterday and I am supposed to depart tomorrow for a two week vacation where I’ll be away from the computer and knee deep in a stack of new books, bicycle rides and a whole lot of nothing. Yet I have been grouchy and anxious for most of today, and while I felt reticent to write a blog entry in the midst of this inexplicable, emotionally unsettled state – “I’m in a crappy mood – see ya in two weeks!” – I did not want to flee California without a word.
So here I am – in a crappy mood, and I’ll be away for the next two weeks!
I can’t really say what has put me in such a peculiar state. I have so much to be thrilled about and there is so much to look forward to, as beyond the next two weeks of holiday I’m headed up north to San Francisco for the Blogher weekend, where I’ll get to bask in the glow of so many astounding women. I must admit I don’t think I have a single thing to complain about right now, not an inkling of anything worth worrying about, not one itsy bitsy reason to be feeling the way I’ve been feeling off and on for more than a week now. Am I coming down off the intense high of being sequestered in my studio all month? Am I feeling anxiety over leaving my home for two weeks? Am I – deep down in my sub-conscious – actually terrified my book will sink like a rock and do nothing but collect dust in all the boxes of inventory I’ll have in two months time?
I’ll use the old stand by, one of my favorites…it is, I’m sure, a little bit of all of that. A strange brew of melancholy, bliss, angst, insecurity, trepidation, joy, gratitude, salt and cinnamon. A shifting away from focus, focus, focus towards a big block of time where I can decide what I feel like doing at any given moment. The turning around a corner from an introverted, creative frenzy to the outward, social, book tour schedule that will begin in early September. A readiness to tackle those challenges alongside a powerful urge to travel to a foreign country…alone. Indefinitely.
And that is the story, that is where I am. Not really wanting to send myself off for two weeks with a downer entry, but not wanting to gloss over where I really am. I am in this weird place, and I’ve been on the verge of tears all day, and maybe I’ll go finish packing now or maybe I’ll just collapse and cry. Either way, I’ll be back after July 13th when a new journey will begin and a new story will unfold, piece by delicate piece.
*****
P.S. I’ll be away, but there will still be plenty going on at Sparkletopia!
Complete
Over the past few weeks my emotions haven’t been as extreme as a train wreck, but they have managed to bounce between exultation, panic, fear, exhaustion, overwhelming gratitude, and a happy kind of quiet, the kind where I’d think about some aspect of this process of Bringing A Book To Life, stare off into space and smile a tiny smile, the barely-there smile a shy six year old might offer if someone she loves tells her she’s pretty. All the support and enthusiasm – you’ll get bored reading about this over the next many months I’m sure – has all gotten the best of me, made me dare to believe I could set this crazy dream flying off into the world and watch it soar. Will it soar? That answer will come soon enough…
For now, I am eager to pull myself out of the intense frame of mind I’ve been in all month. While I don’t mind the work, the focus or the one track mind, it isn’t difficult to see that it is not the most balanced way to live my life. After many days of hotter than usual weather, temperatures have cooled outside and a breeze has even started to pick up this afternoon. So after a few weeks of sporadic and, like everything else, extreme workouts, I shall now walk downstairs, put on my running shoes and head outside to run.
And tomorrow, I’ll get to see where the wind takes me in my very own studio.
Two Chicks on Pink Bikes
[Marianne & Swirly at the Manhattan Beach Pier, taken yesterday]
I don’t think I realized how much I needed a day like yesterday, where Marianne and I joyfully shared LA Fantastic: Bicycle Adventure. We made our way down to the Santa Monica Pier by about 11:30am yesterday, and after signing the necessary paperwork to rent bicycles for the day, two pink bikes were rolled out just as we turned around to choose our transportation for the day. Anyone within earshot would have thought we were in the third grade, as we both litereally squealed, “Oooooh…PINK!” when the bikes came out from behind the magic curtain. “Can we get baskets too?” Yes, we could, and at the moment our adventure began.
We started down the bike path and dove right into great conversation as we meandered through Venice Beach, Marina del Rey, and all the way down to Manhattan Beach. After taking a few photos, including this one of me with our bubble gum pink cruisers:
…we made our way back to Venice Beach where we had lunch before returning our bikes, making for a 25 mile journey on two wheels. We were both feeling a much-needed exercise-induced exhaustion and decided to treat ourselves to spur of the moment pedicures, where I opted for dark blue toes and Marianne went wild with flourescent orange. We were feeling oh-so zany and maybe even a little bit badass.
At the beginning of the day we had grand plans for a night out to dinner, but by the time we got home we were worn out and still full from lunch, so we ended up spending a quiet evening in our living room, talking and listening to music and shedding a few tears throughout our conversations. Marianne is now on her way north for a Santa Barbara retreat and I’m back in my studio, getting a very slow start on my final two days of book work. There is so little to do, but I am feeling moody today and oddly uneasy, unsure of why I am suddenly in a bit of a slump.
I have these moments now and then when I long for things to be so much more simpler…where I feel overwhelmed at all the tiny details that make up my life. They are lovely details, let there be no misunderstanding about that, but sometimes it feels like there are so many, and I am so thankful that at least for yesterday, I allowed myself to let them all go.
[Marianne is a vision in orange as we ride along the ocean.]
It is refreshing to just write about a simple, easy day, a day that wasn’t about file formatting or book layouts or printer deadlines or marketing plans. Yesterday was a day in the sun, a day with a friend, a day of the sand and the ocean and french fries. In other words – perfect.
*****
Don’t forget I’m having a free print giveaway over on Sparkletopia and you can be entered through this Monday, June 23rd at 9:00am…head over there for details.
99.9% Finished
[We can't figure out who took this, either Denise or Susannah!]
I am coming up for air today after an intense period of work finishing up my book. There are still a few loose ends to tie up before everything is delivered to the printer next week, but I am far enough ahead of where I thought I would be today to burst out of my studio and play hooky. There were a few days in high school when I ambled slowly downstairs with a “sore throat” (cue raspy voice) so I could get out of geometry and government class, and I kind of feel like that today. Yes, I am on the verge of serious book burnout, growing rather weary and bored with my own writing, but it isn’t as if I’m about to have a meltdown. I am feeling really good about everything in fact, so I feel a tiny bit rebellious just skipping out to ride bicycles with Marianne down the Venice Beach bike path.
Marianne has been here for a little over two weeks and throughout most of her visit both of us have been buried in work. After morning visits over coffee, we have each retreated in to our own worlds, her to study for final exams, me to finish my book. It has been a lovely gift to have this time with her, a kind of intimacy between friends we might not ever have again considering she lives in New Zealand when not traveling the globe. It is so easy to get used to our own little patterns and habits, particularly within the walls of our own homes, and as adults with jobs, relationships and other friends and responsibilities, it is not lost on me how rare it is to be able to share this time with a dear friend.
So today we will head outside and celebrate our victories, goof off and enjoy the sun. For this day, we’ll let the world go about its business while we do nothing more than enjoy one another’s company.
*****
P.S. I’m having a free print giveaway over on Sparkletopia starting this Friday…head over there for details.
Strange Resistance
This past Friday was the end of a very intense week of being locked in my studio to finish my book. I ended the day with just one more piece of writing left to create pages for, and planned on getting those wrapped up over the weekend so I could start today with one phase of the book finished, another one ready to go. I slept in Saturday and slowly made my way to my studio. As I was walking towards the door of my studio I was thinking, “I’ll finish the pages of the book today,” and then the very instant I walked through the door I immediately – without any thought or hesitation whatsoever – began cleaning my studio top to bottom. I did not stand in the room thinking, “Maybe I’ll clean the studio instead,” or “I’m not sure I’m in the mood to create pages today.” There was no stopping and thinking about anything; it was some kind of weird urgency that took over my brain and sent me in an entirely different direction than I thought I’d be heading mere seconds earlier.
As I was dusting my printers (yes, my printers – even they were filthy) it slowly dawned on me: perhaps it wasn’t an OCD moment, but an instance of not wanting this part of the book process to be over just yet. Once I say the pages are finished they’re finished. I won’t have any time or opportunities to add or change pages once they’re off to the printer without considerable expense, so this is it. Time is of the essence, and when I say I’m finished I need to be finished.
I am not an artist that has a difficult time knowing when one of my creations is complete. Instead, what I go through is a period of not wanting that particular creative experience to be over. Not with every single piece, but with the ones that have greater significance for one reason or another, such as a large commission I finished a few weeks ago. I also resisted finishing that one, knowing I would miss working on it and seeing it in my studio.
I have been working on this book on and off for more than a year now, and today – as it definitely needs to be today – the pages will be finished. From there I will put the pages of the book in order, and after that prepare all the files for the printer. And then it will be off, and in two months’ time I’ll have the books in my hands with a lot of other small steps in between.
So this morning I’ve worked on Sparkletopia, written this blog entry and I’ll put off the inevitable a tiny bit longer by paying some bills. By the end of this day, the pages will be finished…and I’ll say good-bye to this lovely chapter of an extraordinary journey, then say hello to the next magical phase.
T Minus Ten Pages
[Photo by Denise Andrade]
I am beginning to feel like my thought process has become a series of play-by-plays with regard to my book. Each day is a tallying of pages, double and triple checking that everything has been saved in a variety of file formats, images printed, edited and set aside for another final round of reviews, talks with my printer about binding details, shipping schedules, press checks, shrink wrapping and the merits of 80lb. text weight versus 100 lb. text weight for the interior pages. So many details to attend to, all in the midst of trying to finish the final pages of the book. My days have become a fierce volley of left brain – right brain activities and I am learning that this is the kind of work environment which suits me best. I like having both and feel very balanced with both, and I am also savoring these last many weeks of being able to work in grubby clothes locked in my studio. Once the books are delivered to my doorstep, those days are over, and the last few months of 2008 will be spent on the road sharing my latest creation with the world, starting at Squam Art Workshops in September, where I hope to see you!!
I have just over 150 completed pages, and my goal is to wrap everything up today. This will give me just under two weeks to put all the pages in order, review one more time, then reprint everything and organize all of my files for the printer. I am much farther along today than I thought I would be, which will enable me to be as brutal as I want to be in terms of dropping pages I don’t feel 100% confident about. As I type this, I already know of two pages I’ll be taking out, which adds two new pages to my to do list today, but that is a gift I will happily take advantage of. The thought of having to keep pages in my book that I feel so-so about simply because I ran out of time makes me cringe. Without realizing it at the beginning of the week, I see now that the greatest benefit of me staying intensely focused on my work this week is that I can slash any page that isn’t making my insides sparkle.
So onward I go, back into my creative cave, to finish up a project I hope you will enjoy.
An update on pre-orders, in case you haven’t heard: I am printing 200 Limited Edition Hardcover versions of Ordinary Sparkling Moments, and there are only about 100 left. Each copy will be signed and numbered, and if you order by Monday you will also receive a free print. Softcover edition pre-orders will begin later this summer, and those editions will be plentiful. Head to my website and click on BOOK to get your pre-order in today!!
Perfect
I have tried three times now to include a photo with today’s entry, but for some reason the blog gods aren’t interested in any visual cues today, so onward I write…just me and a string of letters.
My brain is in full-on perfection mode, formatting all of my completed book pages for the printer. Today I managed to get through the formatting of all pages finished and edited thus far (106 total), so tomorrow I will begin reviewing what other pages are still in progress and what pages need to be created from scratch. The book will be 160 pages total, so I have my work cut out for me, not to mention putting all of the pages in order and then printing everything out again for the printer.
This week will be the opposite end of the spectrum of last week, when LA Fantastic took over and most of my energies were focused on the fact that I had a house full of my best girlfriends. I got a good bit of work done despite all of the fun and frolic, but let’s face it, when my tribe is nearby, my ability to focus on work can only go so far. Today I was glued to my computer in a silent house all day and it will be like this for the next three weeks. Saying no is now my mantra and huge stretches of quiet now occupy my days.
While this goal of creating as perfect a book as possible is a good one – cleaning up every typo, making sure the colors are correct, specifying precise sizes and formats – I realized over the past couple of days I need to be careful to keep that whole perfection thing in check in other areas of my life. In wanting everything to be just so with this book, I find myself walking around feeling like I need to have every other detail of my life in perfect order as well, and guilt has been creeping in my brain in the strangest of ways.
I have made it abundantly clear to my husband and a few other close friends that these next three weeks are hammer time, that I need to be more focused than ever with as few distractions as possible. Thinking about this today within the context of these simmering guilty feelings, I believe this may have something to do with being timid about taking time exclusively for myself. I am so used to taking care of so many people, our home, etc. – responsibilities that give me tremendous joy, by the way – that the notion of needing to say no, no and then no again is not a very comfortable one.
In all of these musings I have to laugh. Last week when two of my best mates got a sneak preview of my book, they both commented on how many times I used the words "perfect" or "perfection" (as in, let it go). I had not even noticed this in my own writings, but ever since my friends shined a light on this recurring theme, I see very clearly how struggling with perfection is sometimes a tough mountain to climb.
So I shall post this blog entry – sans photo – trusting all will contniue to function properly in the world. And then tomorrow, maybe, just maybe, I won’t make the bed.
LA Fantastic
[Flight of the Conchords at the Orpheum Theater Sunday night]
Today wraps up a whirlwind girlie weekend that is far too fan-tabulous for words. I am exhausted at the moment, but head over to Sparkletopia for a review of Sex and the City for a tiny glimpse of some of the weekend’s festivities.
I am glowing and weepy and happy and blessed and filled with sparkling girlfriend love. That may be a little over the top, but I’m willing to be corny for my soul sisters…
“Friendship is neither a formality nor a mode: it is rather a life.” David Grayson
