Unsettled
June 26, 2008
[Taken in Joshua Tree last month.]
To look at the circumstances of my life at this exact moment is to see a picture perfect scenario: my book is done, all went well when I delivered everything to my printer yesterday and I am supposed to depart tomorrow for a two week vacation where I’ll be away from the computer and knee deep in a stack of new books, bicycle rides and a whole lot of nothing. Yet I have been grouchy and anxious for most of today, and while I felt reticent to write a blog entry in the midst of this inexplicable, emotionally unsettled state – “I’m in a crappy mood – see ya in two weeks!” – I did not want to flee California without a word.
So here I am – in a crappy mood, and I’ll be away for the next two weeks!
I can’t really say what has put me in such a peculiar state. I have so much to be thrilled about and there is so much to look forward to, as beyond the next two weeks of holiday I’m headed up north to San Francisco for the Blogher weekend, where I’ll get to bask in the glow of so many astounding women. I must admit I don’t think I have a single thing to complain about right now, not an inkling of anything worth worrying about, not one itsy bitsy reason to be feeling the way I’ve been feeling off and on for more than a week now. Am I coming down off the intense high of being sequestered in my studio all month? Am I feeling anxiety over leaving my home for two weeks? Am I – deep down in my sub-conscious – actually terrified my book will sink like a rock and do nothing but collect dust in all the boxes of inventory I’ll have in two months time?
I’ll use the old stand by, one of my favorites…it is, I’m sure, a little bit of all of that. A strange brew of melancholy, bliss, angst, insecurity, trepidation, joy, gratitude, salt and cinnamon. A shifting away from focus, focus, focus towards a big block of time where I can decide what I feel like doing at any given moment. The turning around a corner from an introverted, creative frenzy to the outward, social, book tour schedule that will begin in early September. A readiness to tackle those challenges alongside a powerful urge to travel to a foreign country…alone. Indefinitely.
And that is the story, that is where I am. Not really wanting to send myself off for two weeks with a downer entry, but not wanting to gloss over where I really am. I am in this weird place, and I’ve been on the verge of tears all day, and maybe I’ll go finish packing now or maybe I’ll just collapse and cry. Either way, I’ll be back after July 13th when a new journey will begin and a new story will unfold, piece by delicate piece.
*****
P.S. I’ll be away, but there will still be plenty going on at Sparkletopia!
You described this phase so beautifully. Just remember, it’s all like the weather. It will pass.
Have a wonderful vacation!
I hope you have a safe journey! I’m so glad I found your site..I’ll have to check back in to see how you are when you come back…
May you find rest for your heart and mind while you are away.
XO
~
Christine,
Sending you a big hug and love from Wyoming…
x Nina
you are releasing.
all that you held in while
kicking ass finishing up that
gorgeous book that iwill soon
ad to my collection. of course
i have a special spot reserved
for this one.
now go have fun with that husband
of yours. relax, read and nap!
peace.
k
sometimes doing is easier than waiting for the feedback from what you have done.
So much energy flowing through and out of you and then……all of a sudden it is almost shut down from either exhaustion or from the product you were working on being done.
I have often felt this feeling when teaching…planning a huge unit or writing a great big lesson and then……
I have been speaking to Deni about the manifestion of wonderful things and how sometimes I am so baffled by it that I stop creating more of it and end up feeling funky.
This comes to mind as your post sinks in and settles around my heart and into the little places in my mind that relate to this bit or that bit.
My goal is at the end of a big burst of work to then start journaling a bit – writing and creating how it will be received. Feeling the high continue. Shifting me energy conciously-making the transition easier.
What you speak of here makes so much sense.
Love to you.
Go with it darling…the other side of a crapy mood is always fabulous….have fun. I’ll miss yah! and your book is destined for greatness…..xo
you have such a beautiful way of articulating where you are – hope you have a great vacation and that it allows the space for a shift.
all the best!
miss swirly, i totally get the mixture but i know this: your book is going to go in a split second. you are a super star, a huge light and inspiration to so many of us. i can hardly wait to get my hands on that book! i know it will be wonderful because it is you, from you, of you.
xo
even when you write about your gloominess, your words still lift me up somehow and make me want to conquer the world.
hope your trip’s every bit as amazing as i find you xxx
p.s. – i’m ridiculously ecstatic for my hard copy
Congrats on finishing your book! From what you’re describing, it sounds like you probably have a bit of post-project post-partum. Getting away sounds like the best cure for it. It’s hard to move onto the waiting-receptive phase of creativity, after being so involved with it for so long. But I suspect that you’ll be experiencing all sorts of unexpected blessings coming your way.
And if you’re ever in NYC, you’re most invited to have an event for your book here in my little Brooklyn gallery-studio.
I think it is awesome you know exactly where you are, although you may not completely understand why. Warm wishes for your two weeks away…
Congrats on finishing your book – that’s quite the accomplishment, said she, who must finish her own by year’s end or else!
Looking forward to seeing you at our Sunday brunch in San Francisco.
i seem to have this same experience after a project, vacation, a work gig, ~ like hmmm,. its over now, so now what? i think its a normal transition that occurs between such big energy shifts.
im hoping the midwest bucket of cheese and bikes and small town diners assists you to be exactly where you need to be.
and, ill be ready and waiting to scoop you up i whatever mode you are in next week!
love you
Am betting a little time and change of scenery will help your mood tremendously.
Hoping to meet you at BlogHer.