Currents
November 14, 2008Those currents in my mind that are always questioning, examining and exploring never run too far beneath the surface of my consciousness. I have always considered this a blessing and a curse. On the blessing side, I think it makes me a better person and has led me to some extraordinary like-minded souls; on the curse side, it is often times an unbelievable pain in the ass.
I had a very brief but poignant conversation with a friend a couple of months ago about the concept of impermanence, how, if one chooses to embrace this particular piece of undeniable reality, there is a strange middle ground that needs to be managed. Nothing is permanent, so we only torture ourselves in holding on to anything, and I mean anything – our partners, our jobs, our material possessions, our very bodies. Which brings us to a choice: either wallow, worry and fret over the inevitability that all we treasure and love will someday change*, or embrace the freedom that exists when we let go of any and all attachments. But in the midst of all this letting go, we are also best served by allowing ourselves to love as deeply as we can, commit ourselves as passionately as possible and move into any new arena that involves any level of risk, emotional or otherwise, with as few expectations as possible.
This is so hard.
I look at my husband every single day with the awareness that we will not be together forever, that we may only be together for one more day. I have moments when I fear this day will come sooner rather than later, of course, but I do not live in fear of it. I know it will happen, one way or another, and there is no getting around that. In that knowledge, in the deepest reaches of that truth, I try my best to take that as an opportunity to let myself love him as much as I can. To ignore those moments of frustration when he doesn’t do the dishes, to recognize that look of vulnerability that he so rarely lets me see, to accept him for exactly who he is, even when that makes me crazy. To let go of my fears, my hesitations, my anger, my sadness, my wish that our separation wasn’t the inevitable, ultimate conclusion of our partnership.
This is so hard. In any area of life, with any dream we have, thing we want, person we love, hope we hold onto. It is so hard.
I am experiencing one of those trying periods, where I am walking around somehow managing to do the work I need to do as I wonder what it is all for. Unsure of why I have such a fierce need to examine so many things. I don’t know why I am the way I am, don’t know how I got to this place where I feel compelled to dig so deeply into life’s most difficult questions. I don’t know, and at the moment I’m rather frustrated with it, quite frankly. But I have to continue taking forward steps, making the bed, hugging my friends, eating my favorite apples. That’s the deal, and sometimes the only answer. To just keep moving and searching for the joy.
* die, disappear, get taken away, evolve, grow, end, expand…the list of possibilities that fall under the umbrella of “change” is endless.
I say we go get some ice cream sodas! preferably served to us at an old fashioned counter in a tall tulip glass with a long siler spoon– I want extra whipped cream on mine. And? mine is chocoate– definitely.
ice cream can do wonders for the soul– ice cream sodas– even better!
Life is abrupt in her impermenance. I know this to be true. My Dad has been diagnosed as Stage One Alzheimer and I just was laid off my job Wednesday. Today was my final day in the office. I don’t state these facts as standard reality or sadness. It just is an nudge and whisper to Be. Here. Now. I may not have the cleanest home, I may be living more frugally going forward, I am present though for these ‘presents’. The gift is not in the looking back or worrying ahead. Being. Here. Now. I will have more time to mother my son. Get pregnant again successfully. Photograph. Write. Start my blog. Send outstanding photos to others I taken, including you Swirly Girl. I won’t hesitate this season of Thanks and Giving to Be. Here. Now. The gifts will be from my hands, my heart, my thoughts instead of my credit card. Much love to you, Christine.
Trish
patriciadolan@comcast.net
thank you for your words. they are helping to “gel” what is smooshing around inside me…as i begin to re-realize the wonderments around me, and how very truly incredibly i have been blessed in this life…and to stop snarking about the pebble in my shoe while i walk beside a shoeless person. and to stop, and re-start at the place i got lost….but this time go in the direction that feels better in my spirit, rather than the expected route. thank God for do-overs! linda
i like the idea of ice cream sodas.
in the meantime, sending you hugs and love. keep on meeting yourself where you are in each moment.
Beautifully expressed. Its so very hard to remember that we don’t have an endless amount of time to really love the people we love and that there is an end to it at some point does indeed make it seem silly to hold any last sliver of love back. Thank you for the reminder.
Your thoughts have validity and soundness. I used to feel this way…but facing cancer and surviving it…and counting each day the blessing I am given, I no longer fret or worry about what will be or will not be. I simply accept with grace and thanks and realize the true value of everything I have, everything I am, everything I am given.
i hear you… i see you… i’m here for you, always… i’ll eat those apples with you
xx
Oh you ice-cream girlies!! Now i feel like having a float… or a milkshake even!
Aiiii my darling, swirly. One thing I know will stay forever: And that is my true love and friendship ~ all yours ~ transicending time and space! (But of course I know what you mean… I dwell on that far too much myself). Love that dream you had about us! Let’s make it happen. You and me ~ somewhere out there being wild and whole! xxox
I believe that tomorrow is your birthday. I’m glad that you were born and glad that I found you on the internet!
Swirly Girl is one of my favorite blogs and I always know there will be some inspiration waiting for me when I click over. Christine, you never disappoint. Thank you, as always, for sharing your wisdom.
Hi Christine,
What you describe reminds me of my own sense of the frailty of life. The better things are the more do I feel how fragile everything is. And this is especially true for the people I love, my husband in particular. I know that in the past I have not allowed myself to love fully because there is always this subtle fear of loss. These days I try to be more brave with it and it’s not easy. Reading words like yours helps a lot. Thank you.
Fondly,
Kerstin xo
I think the very same thoughts too.Reading it from someone else, particularly you, makes me stronger.
Like so many true, deep things, I think that this type of worldview is indeed both a blessing and a curse. I’m constantly aware of the impermanence of things, too. On one hand, it pushes me to live a life full of joy and wonder. On the other, it can be overwhelming and exhausting. Push and pull. Push and pull.