Part of the Journey
February 3, 2009
[Photo by Denise Andrade]
I was thinking about yesterday's blog entry and realized I came across a tad too flippantly with regard to my referencing the shifts that have been occurring in my circle of friends. When I re-read that paragraph this morning, I saw that it would not be too difficult to imagine me sitting at a table with a list of my friends, wantonly striking some off the page and laughing maniacally as my thick black pen marked out their names. This process was neither haphazard nor resentful; I have not let my connections with certain people drift away quietly out of anger or resentment. It was also not a process that I was inspired to do for kicks. I did not wake up one morning last fall and decide, "Hey, it's time for a change, so I think I'll drop a few people from my speed dial and send them on their way."
No, this is not the way things went.
I have tiptoed around this process a few times on this blog, feeling wary of airing out the details. But now that the emotional charge of these shifts has ebbed and I know these releases are healthy, I think it is important to be honest about why this happened. In a nutshell, all the seismic shifts began when Ordinary Sparkling Moments was released, and that's no coincidence.
At a reading I did at Book Soup last November, a very wise nine year old girl asked me, "Have any of your friends not supported you with your book?" My immediate reaction was to pull her aside and say, "Let's you & me bust out of this joint. We'll go somewhere where the margaritas and root beer floats flow, and I'll tell you some stories." I instead answered her as honestly, succinctly and positively as I could, saying something along the lines of, "There have been some friends who haven't been there for me and that has been really hard, but there have been even more people have supported me in remarkable ways. The way I've learned to look at it is that as some people did not show up for me, it created room for new friends and supporters." This was not a rosy answer to a thorny question meant to cloak deeper feelings of resentment; what I said was the truth.
What I chose not to delve into was that experience has shown me a peculiar piece of truth about making a dream real: Once your choices, actions, and accomplishments start to ruffle the feathers of those around you, you know you're on the right track. This is not to say that your intention ought to be to upset people, it is to say that when you take bold leaps, when you stand firm in your own belief system, and as you become more centered in knowing who you are, it is going to create a ripple effect that you won't be able to predict, manage or control. For the most part this is a beautiful opening that will only serve you and bring you closer to the best life you can create for yourself, but along the way, you will also experience loss, disappointment and confusion. There will be people who you thought would be your greatest cheerleaders who will remain silent. There will be people who you have supported along their creative journeys who will refuse to return the effort. There will be people who will not ever speak to you again. All of this has happened to me since last August.
It is part of the journey, and, ironically enough, it is a sign you are headed in the right direction. But here's the other absolute truth of this: It is not about you. It is not personal, it is not because you are doing anything wrong. The actions of others in response to your forging your true path is all about their struggles, pasts, lost dreams, expectations and beliefs. The simplest example is the all-too-common story of someone quitting their job to fulfill a dream of opening their own business, only to have someone they thought would support them be vocally critical of their choice. Why? Because the naysayer is stuck in a job they hate, unable or unwilling to take the same bold leap. The last time I heard someone share this exact experience with me? Last week. The last time someone shared with me that she wasn't sure which friends were going to stand by her through a significant (and beautiful) recent change in her life? Yesterday.
This is the truth of setting your own course, not said in discouragement, but in the beam of a strange ray of hope. Every time someone walks away from an opportunity to be your friend, it is good information. As we become more adept at learning when to release shallow, unhealthy or imbalanced connections with love and gratitude in our hearts, we lighten our load and step more confidently into the best future we can create for ourselves. In the big picture, this is all positive, forward movement.
I have tried to accept these experiences from last year without judgment. This is far easier said than done, and I will cop to feelings of resentment, bitterness, anger, and betrayal. I have sneered at the words some people have written, spreading stories of sunshine that, from where I am sitting, are hollow. I have gossiped, made snide remarks, bitched, complained and cried. It isn't easy, this open-hearted acceptance of other people's choices to treat one of your proudest achievements as a dust ball they can sweep out of their consciousness. Even writing this, I see how easy it would be to careen down a slippery slope of negativity right now, even after writing so passionately about acceptance, gentle release and hope. It has not been easy, but I have tried my best to move through the tangles with respect, integrity and grace. I've stumbled, to be sure, but I've tried.
We humans are complicated, and can't always be there for one another the way everyone wants. The status quo is an easy place to exist; it is in change, movement, and transformation that all of our relationships are going to be challenged. This is the way it is. This is part of the journey.
And I think someone said: the journey is the reward, probably some Chinese philosopher, with a long braid and an impish grin. Your insight, as ever, is such a beautiful gift…
I’m going to be bold and post a comment
. I am in that place right now and it’s so hard to balance the feelings of “I’m selfish” with “I’m doing something incredible and I am proud of myself.” The part that complicates it the most for me is adjusting to a new environment where I have to hide this part of me. I can’t get into specifics on the blog, but your message hit home directly. Something I thought would only be seen as wonderful has turned into something that I have to defend and protect. Yet, I’m very thankful that I am so mindful of all of this. Just recognizing the source of negative energy allows me to realize that it’s not about me and as you say, it’s about something within their own lives. I realize this comment may seem confusing to those who don’t know me, but I just wanted to share a snippet of my experience with similar struggles. We are lucky to have created such a beautiful community of support online. Thank you Christine for an incredible post!
I don’t comment here often although I continue to always enjoy your journey. This particular post called to me and I wanted to say “good for you”….it takes some of us much longer to realize AND practice the thoughts you have shared. Thank you for the postings which remind me, encourage me….
You are such an inspiration to me… and a breathe of fresh air.
Namasté,
Carmen
This post is – honest, moving, awesome …
I love your blog. You are a most incredible woman. Thank you.
what a beautifully brave and bold – and honest – post. i am so proud of you, in all you do and say, doll. love you x
When I read “Once your choices, actions, and accomplishments start to ruffle the feathers of those around you, you know you’re on the right track” my heart stopped. Oh how I needed to see these words today.
you never cease to amaze me and always inspire me. i am so lucky to have you as a friend. i love you…xoxo
ps…that is one of my favorite pictures
Like you said “this is all positive, forward movement.” Yes it is! Really connected to this post in so many ways.
Oh, my, this post struck home. There is someone I thought I knew well, but who decided that I had written about her in a post…and it wasn’t her. The post was about letting someone else in my life go,someone who wasn’t there for me. Long story short; this person lamblasted me and decided that she would tell me everything wrong with me. Apparently I am in bad shape. She then thoroughly dissected me with her husband, etc. Oh, well, I tried to convince her otherwise, but there was nothing to be done. Now, as I reach some cool points in my life…being published, having a new grandchild, there has not been one word. I know she’s aware. So, I am working now to really let her go. I needed your words;I’m going to print them off. And, I think it may all lead to a blog post of my own within the next few days..with proper credit to you for the inspiration of course!
this is a post i needed to read tonight, to remind me that i’m on my way. thank you.
Christine you are so wise! You speak the truth. I have been there…and will probably be there again ~ It is all a journey. and I too have tried not to be resentful when others have hurt me. Time does sort of heal all wounds or at least gives us perspective.
Thank you again for your honesty.
When we are in conflict with others it is so easy to see our own personal story – we frame it in ways that are influenced by so many combinations of things including our past history, our beliefs, our needs to see ourselves in good light, and so many more influences.
But it is also healthy to realize that those with whom we are in conflict also have their own narratives on what has happened between you. What you think of as silence or non-support likely looks entirely different to them.
Sometimes it is worthwhile to be vulnerable and to ask if they would be willing to listen to your experience and if they would be willing to share their own story with you. It’s not always worthwhile and it’s not always productive. But the conscious awareness that there is no ultimate, capital “T” truth in any situation can help us to resolve so many conflicts with positive, healthy, resolutions.
Yes, sometimes we need to let go of people. But sometimes maybe we just need to ask important questions. It’s amazing how important questions can lead to radiant sparkling moments in our relationships.
I love your book and I wish you well as you continue on your journey. And I wish you many meaningful new friendships along the way.
I enjoy and respect your honesty tremendously Christine. Thank you for sharing this post.
Christine,
I applaud your courage and conviction in releasing those relationships that are counterproductive, draining and unsupportive. It will create space and opportunity for others to step forward and manifest their applause in your authentic adventure. I hope you know that I wholeheartedly support you. OSM has become my bathroom bible while in the tub or brushing my teeth to integrate the simple truths into the day ahead. It is NOT an easy journey to become truly who you are and unraveling oneself from society’s expectations and carving out the image of the real girl staring back in the mirror. Since my time at Squam I have experienced some earthshaking moments that others will not accept or approve of some personal truths that I may embrace or steps I may embark on in 2009. Taking the time to gaze back at this girl and really know who she is is quote a leap in itself. A favorite quote of mine “Leap and the Net will Appear” helps me in true times of anxiety.
My love to you,
Trish
Bold, brave and deeply honest – exactly what I’ve come to know from you. I agree that ruffling certain kinds of feathers is most often a sign that we are on the right track. And you are so obviously on the rights track, with the amazing book you have already created but also with everything else you have been creating in your life and in your work. WIth deep admiration. x M
thank you for sharing those wise words. your willingness to be honest and open about something that most of us probably wrestle with is incredibly inspiring. take care.
it’s funny how some ties appear so strong, but are actually pretty tenuous. in a friendship i used to have, the other person was always calling me with this or that drama in her life. i thought, “well, that’s what friends are for, right? to be there for one another.” but it was draining to be a personal Dr. Phil. then one day, i needed her “pat on the back” and called. she spent a lot of the conversation almost gleeful in my distress…”oh the sunshine girl has a cloudy day” sort of thing. i cut ties, and later sorted it out to realize that she had a certain way that she mentally categorized me – i was her go-to person for stress relief. when her “stronghold” had a weakness, that shook her vision of me, and then made her doubt herself for “trusting” me to be strong for both of us. as long as i acted in the way that was familiar to her, she was comfortable. so her bad reaction to me was, in fact, her fear coming out. rather than be an equal partner in the relationship, it was easier to bend to the fear. my question is always “are you a giver or a taker?” (i stole that from the real Dr. Phil.) be both or be gone…in a nice way, of course! and since i’ve prattled too long anyway – no one who knows you would ever think that you would simply “black line” a friend because it’s organization day for the address book. you are far too wonderful of a person. Linda
“Every time someone walks away from an opportunity to be your friend, it is good information.”
Not easy … but good, yes. This journey of self-discovery and creative expression is complex sometimes. We are our truest (and best) travel companion. I have lone wolf tendencies and have to make an effort to connect with others on this path. I do feel shy and tentative about sharing my tender self and dreams. I want the rewards of connection, but wonder if the risks outweigh the benefits.
Your words have assured me that, yes, it is worth it. That which falls away makes room for even better. Blessings and big hugs to you!
Thanks, Christine!!
I have been hording your book… to read in my fortieth year; today it comes off the shelf and I am so excited to read about your journey.
I was so especially thankful to read your words today… it is so hard to deal with the ebbs and flows and the fact that some people’s friendship, like other experiences, are only meant to last for a short time… but I am trying to put that into perspective for myself, and your words were very healing.
thanks, again…
Amen, Amen, Amen !
grace, from boulder
Christine, I left a comment earlier, in the midst of Typepad’s woes and it crashed. Thanks for this brave post. Just this week I took a giant leap of faith, which could dramatically alter my path. But two of my closest friends have remained silent and I’ve let their gracelessness temper my joy and enthusiasm. What you told the little girl (out of the mouths of babes) was so wise and true. Thank you for articulating an issue that affects so many relationships.
wow– I know in the past I have written comments on your posts that say “FAVORITE EVER”!
but this post? seriously? this is the one.
It takes SO MUCH FUCKING COURAGE to write it all out like this. It takes so much CONSCIOUS CHOICE to keep your focus on a path that means letting go of the pleasures of a small heart– and there ARE pleasures in a small heart– gossip, snark, jealousy etc– but I believe that giving up that bogus 7th grade crap that holds us in such a small, small place, allows us to truly expand into something so much bigger and lighter and more fabulous than we can imagine– and okay, it’s not like I’m there yet– but I’m visioning it and I am just so blown away at your dedication to carving your own path to it and processing all the experiences of what happens when you choose to go for that sparkling light . . .
you so rock.
after putting the wee dude to bed tonight, i lay in my own bed and felt restless. i felt like i needed something but i couldn’t figure what. so i sat up and thought to myself, “i need to go to swirly’s blog” and here i sit in the darkness with my heart wide open with so much love for you. so much honor and respect and truth speaking you bring to my life.
i love you. i love how connected you are to your heart. i love your brave spilling here. i love how it fell on the most perfect day for me, at the most perfect moment.
now i can rest knowing i am not alone.
i miss you so.
You’ve really put something in perspective for me here. I’ve been on a transforming journey this past year and it has definitely challenged certain relationships that I thought were “solid”. And I’ve been struggling with creating a certain distance in one relationship in particular. Although she is unsupportive and insensitive, she continues to be a presence in my life. We have the same circle of friends, which makes it impossible to push her away completely. After reading your post, I feel better about the distance I have created…because as you said, it has made room for those loving souls that have come into my life. I’ve been unsure and feeling guilty about creating distance, but you have helped me see that it is healthy
Sometimes we just need that reassurance and it helps to know that this doesn’t only happen in my life 
Thank you.
Christine, I just printed out all your 2009 posts and caught up. I totally understand. I have “lost” best friends in my life….sometimes by my choice, sometimes by theirs. Some took years to get over. Looking back, I can see that the changes needed to happen. I hope that you know I am one of your biggest supporters and am always there for you (even when we haven’t seen each other is so long). I am proud of you and often jealous at watching you show us all how to be creative spirits.
I love you. I miss you.
my dearest, I cannot speak for anyone but myself, and on that, I can assure you that you are most deeply loved and admired. You are so transparent and your beauty shines through those gorgeous sparkling eyes of yours! You can always count on me. xo
thank you. you gave me confidence.
It’s hard though. Through all your brave and truthful words, it can still be so hurtful, right? All my life I have been the type of person who has been “there” for others. Showing love is what I do best. There is no wrong in acceptance and love… you just can’t open your arms wide enough when the journey of friends or family takes a new turn. Then there is a time like this, that I sit thinking, wow this person has left me broken and at such a positive time, in my life. How is this possible.
I thank you for helping me understand this time in my life, a bit more. I will gently pick up my broken pieces… and continue on. Not ignoring what has happened but learning through it, healing through it.
Who knows, maybe this is the chapter where I love and share with those who are here… open my arms and welcome myself. I’m afraid to miss any of my journey, ya know.
xxoo ; )
I forgot to say, thank you. : )
What a beautiful post lovely…..love you dearly..loved seeing you today..XOXO T…Soul Sister….
I’m glad I took time to read this. I could use this in my everyday life and with not on friends that have failed me but even family. I think this is one that I’ll read again and again.
Thank you for your honesty, grace and beauty!!
Jill from N.H.
nalettejm@yahoo.com
I know I came late to this post, but I am so glad I did – I really needed to hear this. Lately I have been dealing with someone in my life who is taking advantage of my kindness. I have been suffering anxiety trying to figure out what to do about it, and reading your post helped me to realize that I don’t have to continue in this relationship. Whatever happens from here, if I make the choice to stand up for myself, then I will be okay. It will all be “positive, forward movement”. I love that. Thank you!
if i were you i would have a crush on myself.
xo
jen gray
I just found this post, and wanted to add my “thank you” to it. You put into words exactly what I’ve been feeling recently! As I have begun making changes in life, I’ve found that people who I thought would support me are not, and in fact at times try to belittle my efforts. And while I know it’s about them, about their lack of courage to make changes, I end up feeling alone and with the “what’s wrong with me?” refrain playing in my head. But reading what you wrote really reminded me that I’m not alone and that learning to let go (and let be) is a natural step on this path of a better/authentic life…so thank you, thank you, thank you.
Fabulous post! I met you at T.T. Patton’s in Barrington. I love your honesty!
Fabulous post! I met you at T.T. Patton’s in Barrington. I love your honesty!
This is so beautifully written and so true.
I’m currently going through something similar and am very glad to hear that I’m not alone. I appreciate your honesty about what you’ve been experiencing. Thank you for sharing that with the world!
years ago, i remember hearing oprah saying something to the effect of,
“when i notice people becoming mad at me, i know i am getting back into my true self.”
i am sure it was said more eloquently than that, but it has stuck with me forever. this post, and this place you are sharing, reminded me of that.
i think any women could relate to the topics you so bravely shared, and i commend you on your honesty. friendship and success and all the little bits in between can be tricky and often painful…but you shining a gentle light on it assists in encouraging and empowering other women to do the same.
this is such a normal, universal subject that spans not only our community but all cultures of women. all ages. all races. our society teaches us to compare and compete, not healthy or helpful! but maybe with more honestly and dialogue we can learn from each other.
wishing much love to your generous heart,
mccabe xoxo
Sweetheart-
this blew my socks off-you give me goosebumps-and I am so in awe of the work you do and how lovingly you share with us your process.
Thank you-thank you
I love you