The Dream
["Ordinary Sparkling Moments" on display at Book Soup in Los Angeles last November.]
I am working on my speech for the Women and Leadership in Philanthropy at Virginia Tech. I am the keynote speaker at an upcoming conference June 1st. The idea that I have been asked to speak at my alma mater has seeped into my consciousness with warmth and sparkle, making me realize that I have, indeed, done OK. I did not pursue my dreams with a goal as specific as "Be asked to speak at my alma mater", but I will admit the idea has crossed my mind now and then over the years that speaking at Virginia Tech one day would be a very cool thing.
So here I am, having been asked to speak about my experiences of making dreams real. And I am writing stories about this, and find myself feeling suddenly awash in emotion, as if all these memories are flooding my mind with crystal clear waters, so clear I can see an array of objects that I associate with these stories. Paint brushes, pens, rubber stamp alphabets, letters with a New Hampshire postmark, a flashlight, and a copy of "Ordinary Sparkling Moments". I am drowning in all of this, and it is beautiful.
I have, over the months, gotten into a frenzy over details that did not go the way I thought they might go. Whenever I do an inventory count of all the books stuffed and stored all over my house, I get a bit deflated. The reality of marketing and selling a book entirely on my own has definitely sunk in, and I have had to work hard to embrace the truth that this book is going to have a long journey, that word of it is going to trickle out slowly here and there, and that it might not really make itself known on a large scale for many months, maybe years. Sometimes this unsettles me, but then I think of May Sarton, and how I had never heard of her until many years after she died. And now here she is – a magnificent, inspiring force in my life, all made possible because of her books, books that include struggles of her own along these same themes: "We do the best we can and hope for the best, knowing that 'the best', so far as selling goes, is a matter of chance. The only thing that is not chance is what one asks of oneself and how well or how badly one meets one's own standard."
And I also think of so many other moments, moments that would have made all of this worthwhile even if I had sold only one book. The moment when I came downstairs the morning after my husband and I got into a huge fight – so huge we slept in separate beds – to find him reading "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" for the first time (he had insisted from the beginning that he did not want to read it until it was finished), looking up at me and showing me in the look on his face how blown away he was. Him telling me that he had envisioned a happy, flirty book that was all about being an artist and having fun, that he had no idea of the substance that would be in the book. How our marriage – our partnership – changed in that instant, and we began writing an entirely new story together. It was through "Ordinary Sparkling Moments" that he began to see me, and this alone makes every moment I've spent on this book worth it.
I could take up your entire afternoon with more stories like these, stories that aren't about The New York Times bestsellers lists, Amazon ratings, quantifiable data or blog statistics, but stories about moments in my life that are more precious than any book advance or accolade. This book has its own plans, and the most important thing I can do on this journey is recognize and appreciate all the gifts I am being given along the way. That is the reward; that is the meaning beyhind all of this.
Stories
The word epiphanies has been sprinkled in my conversations more frequently than usual, and during a long drive yesterday I decided that the word awakenings was a more apt descriptor of what I've been trying to convey when I speak of these things. Epiphanies is a big, grand word that conjures up images of golden rays of light bursting from above with angels singing and harps at play, but awakenings feels smaller, more down to earth. The way I see it is that all of these small awakenings are steps in a journey towards full awareness, a journey I may never complete but that I thrive on nonetheless. I've had many such awakenings over the past month or so, and I will try to share one of them here even though I don't feel like I have the idea organized enough in my brain to be perfectly or completely articulated. Today, I would prefer to let go of trying to wrap it up in a neat little bow and instead use this spell of time to begin to figure out how to express it through writing.
A few fundamental ideas that provide the foundation for this philosophy…
* I must live my life according to my values, and strive to take actions, make choices and operate from intentions that reflect those values so everything is in alignment.
* The clearer I am on my values and priorities, the more I can trust my
intuition, which can serve as a guide in any number of situations, from
the personal to the professional.
* Not everyone will recognize, acknowledge or appreciate this and I cannot control that.
* There will be people who will know who I am by experiencing who I am, observing my actions and creating a story about me that reflects those actions.
* There will be others who will experience who I am and observe my actions who will still decide to create an entirely different story about me, a story that might have no connection to my actions whatsoever.
* I cannot control either of these outcomes, so the best thing I can do is be the person I want to be, and trust that there will be people who will see this. Those might not be the people I want to see this or who I think should see this, but they will make themselves known through their actions towards me.
I have spent a great deal of time being angry at people who I thought should have known – through direct experience – who I am, but who have, instead, created different stories about me and let it be known that those were the stories they wanted to believe. Instead of continuing to be angry, I recently realized that this is good information! Upon discovering this, I will be able to see which of all my relationships are genuine, respectful and healthy and which are not. While it might be painful to release those relationships that are not healthy (if I choose to release them, which I may or may not), in the long run this is good for all of us, as any energy that isn't spent trying to force a relationship with one person can be better spent on the relationships that have solid foundations. I might shift away from someone over here, but in doing so I have more room for someone over there, and so does the other person. This means that overall, we are each moving towards the kind of relationships we need. How wonderful for both of us!
This is often easier said than done, but when I close my eyes and focus on my center, it is possible for me to see all of these exchanges, interactions and changes within the context of the entire world. In other words, when I don't make it all about my ego (as in, "Why don't they like me?" or "How can this person say such things about me?") and I instead look at it as one thread in a multi-layered quilt, I can see that all of these changes are leading everyone in a better direction.
This isn't some tidy little formula that I carry with me like a bottle of aspirin, but it has helped me make sense of certain situations and enabled me to stay centered in the situations that I still haven't figured out. It is never as easy as having an experience, making an immediate judgment and ending a relationship. This is more about being the person I want to be, and instead of standing up and trying to explain who I am or convince people of who I am, I let everyone believe what they want to believe. If anyone sees something they don't like or doesn't make sense or they don't understand, then a conversation can happen, but if someone creates a story about me that isn't pleasant, positive or meaningful and stays in that story without talking to me about it, I can't force my way into their world to convince them otherwise.
This is getting long, and I know I could go on further about it, but I think for now that is a good start. The bottom line is that I am trying to be, and to let the world around me react and respond to that however they choose to without getting attached to what I think those reactions and responses should be. That is the first step, and from that foundation I can (hopefully) heal wounded relationships, continue to build strong ones and let go of the ones that, for whatever reason, aren't working for either of us.
My Integrity is Shot
In the last week, not only did I say I would be putting something new up in my Etsy shop every day this week in celebration of my new Paper & Stitch gallery, but I also said – and I quote – "I will resist Twitter with every bone in my body."
Hey guess what! I'm on Twitter*! So much for sticking to my guns.
I also neglected to post anything new in Etsy yesterday, as I was too busy cuddling up with Boho and her cutie pie Boho Baby. But today is a new day and I just posted eight new photos, including the one above, from my travels to Japan. P.S. I need some love over at Paper & Stitch – don't forget to heart me!
I think I am going to be on a blogging binge this week, as there is a backlog of entries that I need to get out pronto before my head explodes. I already have my third post for today organized in my head, so come back in a few!
* I'm swirlygirl18
100 Books Project :: The First Response
[Book #4 :: April 9, 2009 :: Bruinwalk, UCLA Campus]
Less than
48 hours after I started this project, the gift I left was received by
a UCLA who proceeded to give me a wonderful gift. A few excerpts:
"Greetings!
I
found your gift (Book 4 of 100) on Bruinwalk at UCLA as I was
walking/rushing- just like every other day- to class 8:55 am on Friday,
April 10th, 2009. I shared it with the class and my professors as soon
as I walked in at 9:00 am. When I opened it to read it, I found it
coincidental/amusing that one of the ideas expressed in the work is to
just find “Ordinary Sparkling Moments” like this on the busy path of
life, or the busy rush to class in this case. Perhaps it was
intentionally placed here for that exact reason.
I am a 4.0 GPA
undergraduate 2nd year student/saxophonist at UCLA Music majoring in
Music History aspiring to become a conductor, professor, musicologist
etc. but mostly, to become an artist. This work of art you have
created is indeed inspiring. I have not read it yet as I just got it
yesterday but I have flipped through every page of it and I absolutely
love it. More so, I thank you for sharing it with the world not only
in bookstores but also through this unique way of ‘sprinkling’ it
around the world from Tokyo to D.C.
This book came at a perfect moment.
Thanks for being an artist."
Monday Goodness
In celebration of the opening of my Paper & Stitch Gallery, I've just posted four new Limited Edition Prints. There will be 25 each of the four new prints shown above for $25 each. I will be adding something new everyday this week to the Paper & Stitch Gallery, and next month I'll also be offering flat correspondence card sets with the same images. If you feel inspired, head on over to my gallery and heart me.
I've also started a flickr page for the 100 Books Project. This project is well underway and I have much to tell already! Stay tuned.
I feel like I am woefully far behind on sharing so many things here – I still have stories and snippets from New Zealand, more photos to post, stories from Japan and, as always, musings on this, that, and all the other things life has been sending my way as of late. On top of all that, last night's Beckoning of Lovely event was, indeed, L-O-V-E-L-Y. I was honored to be a part of it – it was one of those moments when life tapped me on the shoulder and gently whispered, "See, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Isn't this fun?"
Five Things
1. Of course I had to buy the Tokyo journal & notecard set from Jet Set Paper. From there, head over to Pink Bathtub Designs for more of this artist's colorful paper creations.
2. ThruYou…you might find yourself!
3. I love this list of 10 Sources of Inspiration over at A Beautiful Ripple Effect.
4. Puts it all in perspective.
5. May Sarton is finished! Come see her in person and hear me read a story about meeting The Fonz this Sunday, April 26 at the Beckoning of Lovely event with Amy Krouse Rosenthal, hosted by the lovely Anne Carmack. All the details are right here. I hope to see you there!
On Meeting Deadlines
[Cheery Blossoms in Sendai, Japan :: Photo taken last week]
Say you've been out of your studio for most of the month, and when you finally get back and have a nice long stretch of time in front of you to tackle all the ideas you came up with while you were away, you look at your calendar and realize you have three deadlines at the end of the month. What do you do? Tackle each task one by one until each is completed? Create a priority list with sub-lists of ancillary priorities and tasks? Put together a daily itinerary?
No! You do all these other things…
Step 1: Spend most of your first day working on an entirely new blog, which must be totally unrelated to any of the projects that have this end of the month deadline. Create your blog banner, write your first few entries, work on the layout. (By the way – I see a few of you managed to find this blog even though I never made it public – how is this possible? Pretend you haven't already read a couple of future entries here.)
Step 2: Change your mind! Decide not to continue with this new blog, but instead spend most of the day re-designing your existing blog. Add new icons, create a new banner, and create a new category list – which then means you must go through all entries written this year and add a category classification. Don't skimp out – take the time to make it perfect.
Step 3: Once your new blog is up and running and fabulous, go through all of your writing files. Decide that you don't like the way you organized your file names and folders, re-shuffle everything and give most of your files new file names that all adhere to your shiny new system.
Step 4: After weeks of getting a message from your hard drive – that zillion gigabyte hard drive you purchased that couldn't possibly ever get full – that it is, indeed, full, decide it's high time to go through all the files on the hard drive and unload anything unnecessary. Learn that because your computer backs up your files multiple times a day, there is a long list of folders with all of your backups since the dawn of time. Decide to throw away most of those files and update files individually. Discover that there are more than 500,000 files that need to be deleted, and that this will take almost two hours.
Step 5: During those two hours – by all means – do not – I repeat – do not give any attention to any of the projects that have a deadline that is barely a week away. Get caught up on your friends' blogs, ditto for Cute Overload, then spend some time on Facebook and read a magazine article or two.
Step 6: The next day, since you'll be out anyway for a morning appointment, go to your favorite new breakfast joint for a fried egg sandwich and your second cafe au lait for the day. Why not? You've worked hard – you deserve a break.
Step 7: When you get back home, all pumped up on caffeine and bacon, write a blog entry such as this one – anything to avoid getting to work on those projects which now have a deadline that is one day closer than it was yesterday, and two days closer than the day before.
Any questions? Go ahead, just ask me, I've got all the time in the world.
Oodles of Good News
I have had to hit the ground running this week for all the most lovely reasons…
* I'm proud to announce I'm on the agenda for this Sunday's Beckoning of Lovely event at the studio of the divine Anne Carmack. I will be reading a story about meeting The Fonz and also bringing this beauty for her first public appearance.
* The latest issue of Portals Zine is at the presses right now and you can pre-order a copy today. The theme of this issue is "Home" and there is an interview with yours truly in the mix as well.
* I will have four new creations at Artstream Studios' upcoming Incredible Print Show. You can see these new pieces here.
* My 100 Books Project is underway…I already have many stories to tell.
* Ordinary Sparkling Moments is now available in four places – Amazon, Etsy, my website and now – ShanaLogic. Red Alert: I only have about 40 Limited Edition Hardcovers left. You can order these signed, numbered creations here. There are permanent links to all of these pages in the left hand column.
* As you can see, I've done a blog re-design, with a layout that will keep everyone updated on all the latest & greatest with the click of a mouse. My updates include a new categories list that begins with my 2009 entries.
* Head over to Carolyn Rubenstein's inspired charity auction on Ebay Giving Works today. Every dollar raised will go directly towards a college scholarship for a young adult cancer survivor. There are works by Marisa Haedike, Susannah Conway, yours truly (including a Limited Edition Hardcover of Ordinary Sparkling Moments) and many more talented souls! The auction ends this Friday, April 24th.
100 Books Project Launch
Imagine you are going about your day, minding your own business, doing what you normally do here, there and far away. Imagine noticing something out of the corner of your eye, a package in a brown paper bag with the words "This is a gift for YOU" written on it. Would you know that the YOU in that message was YOU? Would you dare accept a gift from a total stranger left on the windshield of your car, in your bicycle basket or on a bus bench?
This is my experiment, an exploration of gratitude, of sharing a gift in every sense of the word.
This project began on Thursday, April 9, 2009 with four books left on the UCLA campus and will continue until 100 books have been given away, left here and there from Tokyo to Washington, DC. Each book is signed, numbered and explained on the second page of the book:
"Greetings!
Did you read the note on the outside of the bag?
This is a gift for you.
My name is Christine and this is my creation – you are holding a dream made real. I have received many gifts along the journey of bringing this book to life, and as an expression of my gratitude, I am sending 100 copies of my book out into the world – leaving them here and there, from Tokyo to Washington, DC.
If you feel inspired, I would love to know who you are, where you found the book and anything else you'd like to share about the experience of receiving this gift. You can email me here: christine@swirlygirl.com.
No matter what, I hope you enjoy it. Blessings…Christine Mason Miller"
I was inspired to do this for many reasons, most especially a book called The Gift: How the Creative Spirit Transforms the World by Lewis Hyde. I picked up this book in Wellington, New Zealand, and by the time my plane landed back in Los Angeles, this idea was born. I will write about the ideas expressed in this book throughout the course of this project, but for now I will begin by sharing this quote:
"…we come alive when we give away what has been received."
In other words, I have received a tremendous gift in the form of my creative talents, and in the pursuit and expression of these talents I have shared these gifts with the world. Throughout all of these endeavors, I have, in turn, received many gifts along the way in the form of support, encouragement and acknowledgement, and this is one way for me to continue sharing, expanding and paying forward these gifts.
It has begun…
Home
[Taken in Tokyo last week.]
"The changing seasons are seen in the beautiful sky and the colorful mountains. Nature has many messages. Enjoy this beautiful treasure with care."
~Sentiment on a set of Post-It notes from Japan
I have returned from this latest journey with another list of ideas, and now sit here paralyzed. Where to begin? How to prioritize?
One step at a time.
