The word epiphanies has been sprinkled in my conversations more frequently than usual, and during a long drive yesterday I decided that the word awakenings was a more apt descriptor of what I've been trying to convey when I speak of these things.  Epiphanies is a big, grand word that conjures up images of golden rays of light bursting from above with angels singing and harps at play, but awakenings feels smaller, more down to earth.  The way I see it is that all of these small awakenings are steps in a journey towards full awareness, a journey I may never complete but that I thrive on nonetheless.  I've had many such awakenings over the past month or so, and I will try to share one of them here even though I don't feel like I have the idea organized enough in my brain to be perfectly or completely articulated.  Today, I would prefer to let go of trying to wrap it up in a neat little bow and instead use this spell of time to begin to figure out how to express it through writing.

A few fundamental ideas that provide the foundation for this philosophy…

* I must live my life according to my values, and strive to take actions, make choices and operate from intentions that reflect those values so everything is in alignment.

* The clearer I am on my values and priorities, the more I can trust my
intuition, which can serve as a guide in any number of situations, from
the personal to the professional.

* Not everyone will recognize, acknowledge or appreciate this and I cannot control that.

* There will be people who will know who I am by experiencing who I am, observing my actions and creating a story about me that reflects those actions. 

* There will be others who will experience who I am and observe my actions who will still decide to create an entirely different story about me, a story that might have no connection to my actions whatsoever.

* I cannot control either of these outcomes, so the best thing I can do is be the person I want to be, and trust that there will be people who will see this.  Those might not be the people I want to see this or who I think should see this, but they will make themselves known through their actions towards me.

I have spent a great deal of time being angry at people who I thought should have known – through direct experience – who I am, but who have, instead, created different stories about me and let it be known that those were the stories they wanted to believe.  Instead of continuing to be angry, I recently realized that this is good information!  Upon discovering this, I will be able to see which of all my relationships are genuine, respectful and healthy and which are not.  While it might be painful to release those relationships that are not healthy (if I choose to release them, which I may or may not), in the long run this is good for all of us, as any energy that isn't spent trying to force a relationship with one person can be better spent on the relationships that have solid foundations.  I might shift away from someone over here, but in doing so I have more room for someone over there, and so does the other person.  This means that overall, we are each moving towards the kind of relationships we need.  How wonderful for both of us!

This is often easier said than done, but when I close my eyes and focus on my center, it is possible for me to see all of these exchanges, interactions and changes within the context of the entire world.  In other words, when I don't make it all about my ego (as in, "Why don't they like me?" or "How can this person say such things about me?") and I instead look at it as one thread in a multi-layered quilt, I can see that all of these changes are leading everyone in a better direction.

This isn't some tidy little formula that I carry with me like a bottle of aspirin, but it has helped me make sense of certain situations and enabled me to stay centered in the situations that I still haven't figured out.  It is never as easy as having an experience, making an immediate judgment and ending a relationship.  This is more about being the person I want to be, and instead of standing up and trying to explain who I am or convince people of who I am, I let everyone believe what they want to believe.  If anyone sees something they don't like or doesn't make sense or they don't understand, then a conversation can happen, but if someone creates a story about me that isn't pleasant, positive or meaningful and stays in that story without talking to me about it, I can't force my way into their world to convince them otherwise.

This is getting long, and I know I could go on further about it, but I think for now that is a good start.  The bottom line is that I am trying to be, and to let the world around me react and respond to that however they choose to without getting attached to what I think those reactions and responses should be.  That is the first step, and from that foundation I can (hopefully) heal wounded relationships, continue to build strong ones and let go of the ones that, for whatever reason, aren't working for either of us.