Longings
To sleep. For a year.
To remember the sound of the birds chirping outside my window right now and the way the barest hint of a breeze felt like velvet.
To be grateful for all of it, even what feels prickly.
To harness the energy I shared with a woman named Tanya and a woman named Jill last night, moments that reminded me why I do what I do. Those moments – they are all that matter, they are what I will remember when I am old and tired and soaring over the landscape of my memories. By then that terrain might be uneven, with sinkholes and gaps and unfamiliar buildings, but those moments – they will stand tall like beacons in the night.
To trust that we are all doing our best, and that we all want to be acknowledged for this.
That all the joy and confidence that burst through people's hearts this week at Squam Art Workshops continues to expand, evolve and sink deeper into their bones. The world needs this light; it is what makes the earth sparkle like stars from the heavens.
To keep my heart open and soft.
To follow the path of my negative triggers to their source – to face the things that unsettle me the most at their root – and do whatever needs to be done to come through that journey with an open, compassionate heart, especially towards myself. I get so angry at myself for not "getting over" and "working through" things as quickly as I think I should, forgetting that my path to healing will very likely be a journey that never ends.
To remember what is true and real and beautiful in this world – the joy of sharing a meal with my friends, the way my skin tingles after a day in the sun, the comfort of a soft pillow at the end of a day of hard work.
To always be gracious and kind.
To know my limits; to recognize the difference between those I need to honor and those I need to move beyond.
To accept a gift when it is offered to me.
To celebrate the extraordinary garden of light, love, color and creativity that came into bloom this week, a week that I got to spend with old friends, new friends and three happy dogs.
To remember that I will always have friends with whom I can pick up where we left off as if not a day has gone by no matter how much time has passed since our last visit.
To go home and begin the work of my next book.
To look into my husband's eyes. To see the goodness in his heart, and acknowledge it every day.
To be quiet when I need to be.
To accept when those I am close to are hurting, struggling, and frustrated without feeling the need to immediately fix it. To simply sit with them and hold a space for their tears, their anger, their rawness.
To hold those moments when someone has done that for me close to my heart, and remember that it is OK to be taken care of now and then.
That everyone I shared a moment, a hug, many days and bits of time with over the past ten days feels safe, content and peaceful at this exact moment.
That I could take all the glitter and sparkle of this ten-day, four-airplane, two-car rental, 6500+ mile journey, bottle it up, and drink a spoonful of it everyday. That it may always be my elixir when my heart feels heavy, my body feels tired and my mind feels blank.
That my friends could see what I see when I look at them, that they could know the gratitude I feel for their presence in my life, how proud I am of them, how magnificent I think they are. That they always know how deeply loved they are, by me and so many others.
To always remember that it isn't about getting on Oprah or selling a certain number of books, about blog statistics or balance sheets. It is about putting forth truthful, inspiring work and holding up a lantern for those on the path to a meaningful life.
To be still, breathe deeply, and hold my own heart with gentle hands.
Five Things
Today, it's all about beautiful blogs!
1. The image above was on one of Shannon Jackson Arnold's recent posts. Visit her blog and dwell in possibility!
2. Pia Jane Bijkerk: So much beauty.
3. Nectar & Light: "The sweet life through a polaroid"
4. Artists Who Blog: One stop creative blog shopping.
5. Creative Swoon: Yes, swooooon.
6. And one more, because you know I can't resist: The Way of the Happy Woman.
Today
[Flowers for all the June Squam Art Workshops 2009 Beauties]
I am in the midst of one of those episodes in life where every step I've taken in my life makes perfect sense, because for me to be where I am now means nothing has been without a purpose. I haven't yet figured it all out, haven't yet connected all the dots that can only be connected when a view from above can be had, but for me to be here…well, that means I don't dare wish for anything to have been different, no matter how arduous, no matter how mundane.
There will be one day in the future – maybe next week, maybe in a year – when nothing will make sense and I'll shake my fist at the skies, when the questions will outnumber the answers and the tears will outweigh the laughter.
But not today.
Not today.
The Day Your Life Really Begins
“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”
~Bob Moawad
The Routine
[Tiny handouts for my book discussion at the Virginia Tech Circle of Excellence Conference]
I am writing this entry ahead of time, knowing it will be posted on the day I speak at an alumni event at Virginia Tech, my alma mater. This event is one stop among many stops in different parts of the east coast, and I'm all set to go with various flight schedules, car rental reservations, directions, hotel information, and all the other requisite paperwork that goes along with such a journey. I depart on an insanely early flight in less than 48 hours, and I'm sitting in my studio with a swirl of emotions floating around in my brain.
I always go through these periods before a trip where I regret having made any plans to be away from home for more than two hours. As passionate as I am about traveling, I also love our home and – cue the sappy love song – love my husband. In many respects I don't enjoy being away from either for any length of time. No matter how adventurous or beautiful or fabulous any of my journeys away from home might be, I always have moments of feeling like I'd give anything to be able to go back home right then and there. I am excited to visit my college campus after many years away and thrilled that I get to enjoy time there with my best friend before I head north to help run the June Squam Art Workshops, but feelings of resistance are also being stirred up. "Why did I plan this trip anyway?" I ask myself, already looking forward to the day my plane lands back at LAX and I can sleep in my own bed.
It is always this way; this thought pattern always hits me right about now, two to three days before I am scheduled to leave. But the same way this pattern is reliably melancholic, I know it won't let me down once I arrive at the airport and get through security. That is always the moment when I feel like my journey has officially begun, and then the excitement begins. I'll become giddy with anticipation, even knowing how much I'll miss being away from home, and all the anxiety I felt in the days before will melt away, their last bits fading away as my plane heads skyward.
“We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.”
~ Stephen R. Covey
