Lighter
July 28, 2009Over the past many years, as more of my creative energies have been poured into writing, I have tried to pull forth the tiniest of details from a wide array of memories, from a chilly breeze I felt in high school to the first moment I held a copy of Ordinary Sparkling Moments. I have done brainstorm after brainstorm of stories, memories, feelings, experiences and ideas, trying to decide which ones merit the commitment it takes to plow through upwards of 10-20 drafts in order to get it just right. And through it all, I keep trying to nail down an exact definition of my voice as a writer, not entirely confident I have that figured out yet.
During the past year in particular, I have worked on stories that are, shall we say, less than pleasant – some of my darkest recollections, in fact, stories that dredge up memories that make me literally recoil, where I pull my chest inward and close my eyes, as if to brace myself for a punch in the face. I have felt compelled to work on some of these stories for two main reasons. First, because in sharing them I hope to provide a voice of hope and light, a voice that says, "Yes, this is what I went through, but I went on to create a beautiful life." Second, because I got the idea in my head that in order to be a "serious" writer I had to write about "serious" things, and that if I didn't stand before my readers naked my stories wouldn't have as much meaning, impact and gravity.
But then a funny thing happened when I was in Hawaii recently for my husband's son's wedding, where the word family was thrown around like a beach ball and I became hyper-aware of what stories I was bringing to that environment. There was one evening when I held on to all the stories that made me afraid of that word family, when I stood quietly in a crowd of revelers and focused on whatever memory I could find that would ensure I felt like an outsider. The next day, I thought about that, and realized it was entirely within my power to let those stories go and step fully into the stories being created right in front of me, stories where I was an integral part of this family, and the only person who doubted that was me. From that point forward, everything was about one thing and one thing only: Joy. And that joy was possible because I made the choice to let it in. It was just that simple.
It hit me today that I have the same choices with the stories I choose to write, and that I need to let go of feeling like I "should" write about certain things because I think they might somehow "serve the world" (and hence, earn my place in it.) If some of my stormier memories come forth in a story organically, fine, but I decided today that it is OK if I choose not to expose them. I can still write stories and essays that are meaningful, thought-provoking, and poetic even if they don't touch upon heartache, loss or sadness.
In what I write, and how I live, I get to choose which stories define me, which stories fill my heart and mind and guide me through each day. Sometimes painful memories serve me well, reminding me what is important and what I do not want in my life, but if they play no such role, then it is totally reasonable to simply let them go. As I look around my home, in a kitchen with a fresh pot of coffee, an aqua blue tablecloth, fresh flowers and a dear friend about to arrive from an ocean away, I see that my darkest stories have no place here. They are roads on the map of my past, and as such they helped me get to this exact moment – so in that sense I have reason to be grateful for them – but right here, right now, I choose to let them stay in the past, where they are no longer real, and no longer capable of casting a shadow over my life.
like you say…..”today: Begin”
Thanks for this post. I needed to hear these words today. I love your writing, honesty AND art and I’m looking forward to your next book.
dear Mrs. Miller
I know this maybe unprofessional to do this on the the comment section but i do not know where else to go with this request. I know you are an established writer but i would like to ask a favor for my wife. She has a blog and loves to write. Her writing greatly impresses me in the way in which she expresses herself. Sad to say a few weeks ago she was rear-ended and its hard to type. So she has been asking friends to guest blog on her site so as to keep it active. Now i know you are a busy but if you could find time to guest blog for her it would make her extremely happy. She is a great admirer of yours. I don’t have the site to her blog but her email address is mercic@gmail.com thank you regardless
james holtzclaw
brilliant.
it is all in the choosing, the letting go, and the the letting in, isn’t it?
i adore your voice.
i feel like i write the same thing over and over again here.
so, one more time – thank you.
grace
it’s that last paragraph..the one that gives me permission to let it all go and be fully present in the beauty of my here and now. i thank you a hundred times for that last paragraph.
What a fun picture!
I got married a month ago – my second marriage – and was a little nervous about being haunted by past hurts in the midst of it all. When I decided to let go of the past and give myself to the present I was overwhelmed by the Love that surrounded me that day. Love from my new husband, our families, our friends and even our neighbours. I opened myself to joy and it found me. It feels good doesn’t it?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here Christine.
well here’s the thing– you are one of the FUNNIEST– naturally funny– people I have ever met. So, I love this sea change– and, I’m all about the stories that make me laugh– as my Nana would say, “don’t take me to any dramas, if it’s not a comedy, I’m not interested–” BRING ON THE FUNNY, sistah!
ahhh…you had me at hello…you are truly swell, girlface. whatever darkness there is/was has served you well to create the light & wonderful person you are. Linda
I think you’ve turned a very big corner. It takes courage to let go of your story and move into the light but it’s a much more fun place to live!
will be back to read more, but until then, just had to say I LOVE this photo xoxo
Joy serves too!
…i too am dealing with letting go (and for me, forgiveness…) thank you for sharing your heart…
This is a very interesting discussion.
Why do we feel the need to hold onto those old painful stories? To expose the heart of it? To bleed onto the page.
I know for a long time that’s what I did. I wanted to hold onto the pain. I wanted to let it out so it didn’t have a hold on me. But then, I think also, I was afraid to let it go. When I wrote about my childhood traumas, they were mine. I could explore them. I could understand them. I could examine them like a bug under a glass– one that was still kicking on that pin.
And then came a day when I was just tired of dredging through the dirt. And I stopped.
I just let it go.
Let me tell you, those painful memories have faded since then. I am no longer actively reliving those hard times. They still make me who I am, but they are distant and fuzzy.
I think I was afraid I would lose the memories. I was afraid the pain wouldn’t be real.
Now that I have pretty much lost the memory and let the pain become just a shadow… I can move on. I’m still me, and the pain I had is just as valid as when I was living it, it’s just not torturing me anymore.
ahh, beautifully writen. i hope to spend sometime together at squam.
Be well and let in all the joy your heart can carry!!!
Love, Hugs and Smiles,
Jill
nalettejm@yahoo.com
Sweet Christine, you are what you are, as a result of what you have experienced. And what you are, is what you have to offer others, in your writing and otherwise. Not only the hurtful experiences, the pain, fear or whatever. But also the light, the joy, the going onward. You are NOT defined by only the darkness that may be in your past, but also by the light, then and today. Everything about is valid and serious and worth sharing.
Really.
will you think it’s weird when you come over next time and I have this photo framed and hanging on my wall??? CUTEST COUPLE IN THE WORLD! Love you two!