They Had No Idea They Were About to Open Up Such a Can of Worms
August 15, 2009Get a cup of coffee, I am going for it here…
I had what I will call a spirited debate last week at dinner with friends and came home with my emotions pulsing and thoughts spinning. You know those gatherings where someone gets riled up enough that everyone sits up a little straighter and looks at around the table with sideways glances that say, "WTF?" Well, I was that person at this dinner, where a sensitivity was touched and I responded without censoring myself. This is not to say I created a scene or threw a fit, but that everyone went home knowing how passionate I felt about the topics discussed.
The discussion was between myself, Marisa and three people who work in the financial industry. One was my husband, the other two were college classmates of his who now have a successful accounting firm. We are all close friends and I must make it clear that everyone's intentions that night were to be supportive, encouraging and positive. No one was trying to give anyone a hard time or win any kind of argument. My description of what we had as a "spirited debate" is actually inaccurate; it was a spirited discussion – an exchange of ideas, thoughts, possibilities and philosophies between people who all genuinely wanted the best for one another and who respected each other's experiences, opinions and ideas.
The discussion centered around artists and finances, how most artists have a difficult time managing the creative side with the business side, and how we artists would all be better off financially if only more of us learned how to value the work we do and demand more for our skills, talents and hard work. I will give another disclaimer here and say that I could not agree more with this notion – that many artists do all artists a disservice by buying into the idea that creativity and commerce cannot co-exist, that by suffering, our art is somehow better served. I do not create art for the sole purpose of amassing piles of money – this has never been my mission – but for many years my goals were focused on numbers and it was incredibly gratifying to reach the goals I set for myself. This was meaningful not only because I was earning money for myself, but also because I was helping those who believed in my work earn money – reps, agents, employees, printers, etc. I felt that I was contributing something positive on many levels.
In a nutshell, when I started Swirly my dreams were BIG – I wanted to be a licensed, recognized brand in the stationery and gift industry. Without one business class to my name – with no clue as to what the hell I was doing – in less than six years I built a brand that brought in six figures of income to me personally and generated seven figures on the retail level. I did this on my own – with no publicists, no galleries, no advisors, and no angel investors. I worked my ass off, built a business, got the top licensing agent in the country and then just as an already strong brand was about to be catapulted into the stratosphere my entire personal life fell apart – a divorce, a home lost, moving five times in nine months, and a whole slew of other soap opera-esque dramas. This was the greatest turning point of my life, something I have written about extensively.
After having gone through that, I can't say I don't still harbor dreams of re-building a new brand and making a name for myself with the mixed media and writing work I have been doing for the past few years – I do. But I have also made a conscious choice not to create a life that forces me to "manage" my time down to the minute and put my personal life second. My number one commitment is my marriage and our home. Right now, for as long as my husband is in the job he's in and we're living where we are in Los Angeles – where friends and family visit on an almost constant basis – the time I have available to pursue my career is limited. I absolutely have moments when I resent that, but at the end of the day I am not willing to push myself so hard that I risk going through the same level of loss I went through years ago. My divorce did not happen as a result of my career – it had nothing to do with it actually – but my attention was occupied with my work enough that I was blind to the damage that was being done to my marriage for other reasons, and I made a commitment to myself after my divorce to never let that happen again.
So here I am – building a career during whatever snippets of space I can carve out, and honestly, as recently as last week I was wondering why the hell I try so hard. Why do I push myself as hard as I do to keep my career going, to take on teaching projects, design work, and book proposals? The income my work now generates is correspondingly lower than what it was years ago when I was a full-time business owner managing thirty reps, 1200 accounts and shipping an average of 20 orders a day, and there are times when I compare the two experiences and feel like I’ve lost my mojo. I have to remind myself over and over again that my balance sheet is not the sole measurement of my success, and that I manage to get quite a bit done considering how infrequently I am able to get into a consistent work flow.
But back to our discussion, when two very well-intentioned men proceeded to tell me all the things I could and should be doing in addition to all the work I am already doing in order to further my career and earn more money. And it was all I could do not to scream, "I ALREADY DID ALL THAT. I built a brand, worked with the best agents, created a ten-pound portfolio and displayed my wares at the National Stationery Show. I DID IT ALL, and created a profit and loss statement that impressed the best accountants in Santa Barbara, who said they'd never seen such a well-organized financial statement from an artist. And do you know what? I am in a different place right now, where I still, in fact, have big dreams and goals, but there are only so many hours in a day and I CAN'T DO IT ALL, nor DO I WANT TO." It even caught me off guard, this emotional response, but I simply could not cope with the idea of anyone adding even more pressure to what I already put on myself, no matter how well-intentioned these words of advice and opinions were.
As I sat in our kitchen after that dinner, alone with nothing but my thoughts and a keyboard, I hammered out these words. So they are messy, emotional, and written from the gut, edited only slightly. And my point in sharing the details from that evening is this: I am in an incredibly, magnificently, abundantly blessed and fortunate situation where I do not have to worry about where my next meal will come from or whether or not I will be able to keep my house. I literally have the freedom to do nothing besides grocery shopping, laundry, and whatever else needs to be done for my husband, our home, our family and friends which, should I choose, I could stretch into a full time job no problem.
For a while I felt guilty about this – that continuing to call myself a "professional artist" was bullshit, that it made me a big phony. I kept reminding myself that if I were single and living somewhere else, I'd be making a much stronger living as an artist, and that fact was what made my work feel valid and real. But I finally decided to give that up, and instead consider where I am right now as a gift and an opportunity to be a positive force in the world. I could kick back and make things easier on myself, but I instead wake up every morning and go through a daily exercise of what I like to call "Squeeze In Work Wherever I Can." So I hardly sit still everyday and go to bed many nights wondering wha
t the hell I got done. It is only over longer stretches of time that I see how frighteningly productive I can be as I juggle 25 different balls. (And I don’t even have kids, so to all you creative & entrepreneurial moms out there, I bow down to you.)
I do not share any of this to complain, but to illustrate what motivates me: I work because it is my passion, and because I cannot tolerate the idea of "kicking back" and not doing whatever is in my power to take advantage of the fact that right now, for the time being, I have the health and security to pursue my goals as an artist and a writer. That could all change tomorrow, so I am sure as hell not going to squander away this time for fear of feeling like a "phony". Whatever voice is making me feel like my work isn't real or valid is not a voice I should be paying attention to, and it does not serve myself or the world at all.
As much as I know my husband and friend were trying to be encouraging and supportive in their ideas about all the ways I could further my career and be "more successful", there was one thing they weren’t understanding, which is that I am doing the best I can right now, and every choice I make right now must serve my highest priorities: My marriage, home, family and friends. I do not have the freedom to wake up every morning, go to an office and focus only on work. I wake up everyday, work in my home and have to manage as much work as I can shoulder beyond all the normal weekly responsibilities I have as my husband's wife and the manager of our home. I don't want to be told what more I could or should be doing to be "more successful". I already am successful in all the ways that truly matter, and I am only interested in greater success if it can be made possible in accordance with my deepest personal priorities. If those are compromised, then it is not possible for me to call it success. It also occurred to me the morning after our discussion that perhaps the issue in these exchanges wasn’t that I, as an artist, don’t value my work enough, perhaps it was an issue of them not understanding the value I place on the work I do to take care of my marriage, home, family, friends and, quite frankly, my health and sanity.
Success can be defined by dollars, by sales, by all kinds of quantifiable measures. And I am all for those kind of measures – I am all for going after goals based on numbers and creating financial abundance, but not at the expense of what is most important to me. I am trying, bit by bit, in my own way, to build my career and pursue my quantifiable goals, and it is taking more time than it would if I were single and living alone in a less expensive part of the world where visitors hardly came through. But that is OK, and at the end of all this what I think is the most important thing for me to say is that I am grateful for this spirited discussion that got me so riled up, because it reminded me of all the reasons why I choose to consciously manage my career in a way that supports my personal priorities. In a way, I had to defend myself that night at dinner, I had to explain – with emotion and ferocity – that the reason I’m not producing, growing and earning the way they think I could be (bless them for believing in me!) is because I am married to my husband, we live in Los Angeles and we are blessed with a passionate, vibrant family and social life that takes a great deal of time, attention and nurturing.
I still have big dreams and goals. I am still pursuing opportunities that could result in more time away from home, the need for more hours in my studio, and more discussions with my husband about how to make it work for both of us. My work ethic will always drive me to do as much as I can do, and right now, I’m doing a lot. And while it might look “less than” or “smaller than” or “not as much as it could be” to some, it looks just fine to me. I am successful. I am a positive force in the world. I inspire. I write. I create. I share – at my own pace, on my own terms. And I love my husband and friends for wanting me to go farther with all of that, but everything is just fine exactly the way it is.
Hear, hear! I am in a similar “place” and agree with you wholeheartedly. Well said! xo
Hi,
This is the first time that I have visited your beautiful, honest and candid blog. What defines success? Success to me is doing what you want to do and achieve, irrespective of how that may seem from another’s viewpoint. You know this as well and you follow your own path to happiness. THUS, YOU ROCK!!!
wow lady! so proud of you for sharing this & keeping it real. no need for me to prattle on in the comments, as you already know how I feel ~ your determination to a live a life and run a creative business with integrity, one that you are proud of is an inspiration. xoxo
and the fact remains that if you had never created a single piece of art, or done/not done all the things you have/have not, you are still endleslly wonderful just for being Christine. Linda
Keep on keeping it real girl!
i admire your journey – and your conscience efforts to balance your creative career with your family and social life now. that takes a lot of courage to get to that point – but it’s so important in keeping us grounded, mindful, and happy. kudos to you christine!! thank you for your honesty. warmly, s
I am reminded of what I read last night in “The Sound of Paper” by Julia Cameron. On how she carved out time during parent teacher conferences or in doctor’s waiting rooms, snagging moments at a time.
My own writing is done, mostly, during ten minute breaks at work. And while I may only be writing 500 words a day, that turns into 3500 a week, 14,000 a month. And I write BETTER. Because I only have a limited amount of time to do anything.
I used to think I would live as a full time artist. But I get more done now that I work 30 hours a week because my time is more precious. It will happen as it will. Let it unfold as it will. Forcing things only blocks you later on.
I admire you for recognizing where you could be and where you are happiest. That is most important. I’d rather be poor and happy than anything else.
Miss you dear. I probably could have written this as an email!
amen, sister.
That’s right….BREATH….and let it all out. Don’t you feel better now?
It sounds like you’re living every artists dream to me. I hit this same realization a few years ago when I decided to gradually close three of my stores and pursue my what really made me happy. Sure I make a whole lot less now, but I got my life back in return. The advice from friends and family came wether I asked for it or not. I tried my best to understand where it was really coming from and I think it just boils down to the fact that people are scared of the unknown and therefore project these fears on you. Everyone has a choice at how they want to live. It’s nothing to feel guilty about. My sisters/ neighbors/friends all gives me crap for fact that I like to sleep in and my husband brings me coffee in bed every morning. And you know what, I’m dam proud of my life. They chose to have kids, which is fine, but why should I suffer? (tee hee—I do really like kids, just don’t think I need to have one). Sorry this comment is dragging on, I’ll wrap it up with a few final words now and get off my soap box.
Being a full-time artist is hard work for sure. Success to me is having the freedom to do what you love. Making money at it is a great perk that keeps my journey going. Congrats to finding your limits and living a life. Take care, Karin
Beautiful!
Wonderful words and I can feel your emotion on these topics…thanks for sharing especially. I’ve felt guilty for having the freedom to explore and take baby steps. Somehow, people think when you don’t have that full-time normal job, you must have LOADS of time for everything else – and honestly it’s just not true.
I guess it boils down to how people define success because it’s different for everyone. I think sometimes it is impossible for some to understand your position, because they just don’t know what it’s like…
I love that you still have your dreams and goals, but you find the right balance for things that are important to you and gosh darn it – you are so right in saying that sometimes things are just fine the way they are!
i feel it too…that nagging thing that says there should/could be more than working for the sake of money or success…i decided a few months back to create a lifestyle business…one that supports me emotionally, spiritually, creatively and financially…i am working thru that now…i’ll let you know the outcome…hugs, r
to all of this, i stand up an say BRAVO!!
great post! as men and accountants, they obviously define success in a much different way than you do. not to mention living a whole different life style (yours sounds much more rewarding!!). but it’s good sometimes when people push our buttons as it creates awareness and hopefully peace within ourselves. sounds to me like you are living your dream…how many people can say that?
Beautiful, passionate, visionary, adamant, honest, and ever so real… just like you, yourself, and you. xo
you know EVERYTHING I have to say about all of this because I’ve said it all before to you a million times. you are such a daily inspiration to so many of us and your work ethic is RIDICULOUSLY passionate and devoted and you constantly remind me (without even knowing it) to do a little more. I’ve witnessed first hand both sides of you now (artist and crazed kitchen organizer – woooohoooo! I love my butter dish and water filter!) and honestly, I can’t say which one I love more! They are both f-in AMAZING!
Proud of you for sharing. For always speaking your truth.
xoxoxox
You are delicious. Thank you. I didn’t know it and I’ve been trying to do it all and going insane, alone, wondering how everyone else does it and am I just lazy and disorganised. That stuff.
Thank you xo
oh baby– I LOVE me some “messy and from the gut” this is beautiful and passionate just like YOU!!!<——– smooch, E
Thank you for sharing your thoughtful, heartfelt words with us. I got teary just reading about it and realized so much of it resonates with me too right now. I’m not an artist but I am a coach and I specializing in working with advocates and activists. I’ve very intentionally and mindfully created a life that balances work I am passionate about with what I most value–my babe, my marriage, my family/friends, and my well being. It just doesn’t always match up with the mainstream, go-go-go mentality. And yet, I know in my heart and soul it is right for me.
I’m sending you big, fierce hugs this morning. And bravos. For claiming your truth. For getting messy and real and passionate. For sharing yourself with all of us. It’s a gift!
christine,
i am in admiration of your strength, authenticity and clarity which you are living your life!
yes.
thank you.
xxx
mati
bless you and thank you.
the pressure i put on myself to take-off is enough to ignite a lifetime of career possiblilty. and i am constantly taking a step back and prioritizing in the ways you speak of. with a couple of younger humans that i brought into the world playing into my order of things, as well… and for me, the primary goal, far above financial and quantifiable success, is to love more and be happy. to be fully expressed and free.
it’s crazy that we feel compelled to argue something so obvious, no?
i love and adore your passionate, fiery self. the world is so much better with your inspiring force…
lisa
Swirly, Girly, Curly Girl, Sweet Christine,
You have experienced ‘success’ from both sides of the looking glass. Intentionally, you are where W*A*N*T to be right now. Should you decide to sashay to the alternative business reality you manifested before you will succeed there again. I know that commerce and creativity conjoined can be fruitful. There are lots of ‘advisors’ out there but the only one that matters is you and your hub-bub decide what is B*E*S*T for your situation. I salute you always.
Love, Trish,
Your Squammie photographer
patriciadolan@comcast.net
and this my friend…is why i love you so.
You are learning a wonderful lesson in that you truly know the value of creating personal happiness outside of the traditional measures of income and financial status. No one gets their net worth carved on their headstone. I, too, after TWO failed marriages decided to take the time to do what made my life worth living: husband, family , friends and time to smell the roses. Life is so much shorter than we think it is. We don’t really know when our time is up, so trying to put off having a “real” life until retirement is questionable. Hold your head up and stand firm against the boys club. It’s our job to teach them how not to have heart attacks at 40 and kick off their shoes and enjoy life.
Absolutely beautiful. Absolutely Right On!
There is a time and a place as they (whoever “they” are, lol) say. I can so understand where you are coming from. I get a lot of “you should be doing this, that, the other”. Most people forget that I ran successfully businesses. The fact is that I don’t want to! Not now… my self-confidence after having a child has vanished into thin air but my brain hasn’t. I won’t be running before I can walk. I do what I do because it suits and I will do other things when I am ready…
I wish I was as brave as you and just say what you did… maybe I should
Bravo!
Wow Christine! I so enjoyed reading this, your story resonates with me so much. Thank you for sharing such a personal post, it touched me more than you can know. xx
A wonderfully honest post. Thanks so much for sharing.
this literally got me all choked up. thank you for these words, you found a way to express a feeling that I’ve had so many times and never been able to figure out how to explain. thank you for being the force you are in the world.
This was a great post! Thanks for sharing this!-
Dana
Such a wonderful post & a breath of fresh air at exactly the right time for me.
I’m in the process of moving plus have an old friend arriving for a visit tomorrow plus have the ongoing stress of trying to make a healthy living as an artist. The nagging “shoulds” are always there:
I should really work that extra craft show.
I should list more work today.
I should do another blog post.
I should paint more.
And, of course, this week:
I should have the entire house moved, unpacked & organized before my friend arrives. Ha!
I think I’d rather take a moment to breathe & take a walk with my hubby. Those boxes will still be waiting for me later.
*hugs*
Kris
Right the f___ on!
Success to me is measured not in money or recognition but in how I feel. If what I do makes me happy and brings me joy – then I am successful. Thanks for sharing Christine – your thoughts resonate with my heart.
this is so beautiful to read, thank you.
i am single and have no children and still choose not to push myself, and make enjoying life and being at peace priorities over financial success. i do have a beautiful life and my art and creativity workshop add to it as things i enjoy doing, they are not more important than anything else. balance is so key.
What a wonderfully articulated post! I loved reading every word. I bought your book on Etsy and enjoyed it soo much and did feel very inspired by it, so I think you are working everyday – just it’s your ideas and inspirations that are working through others, like me.
Thank you
“It also occurred to me the morning after our discussion that perhaps the issue in these exchanges wasn’t that I, as an artist, don’t value my work enough, perhaps it was an issue of them not understanding the value I place on the work I do to take care of my marriage, home, family, friends and, quite frankly, my health and sanity.”
exactly.
THANK you.
(((biglove)))
i so admire YOU
right now
from right here.
In the words of Iris DeMent:
“And it’s true that I don’t work near as hard
As you tell me that I’m supposed to.
I don’t run as fast as I could.
But I live just the way I want to,
And that’s the way I should.”
Right on.
HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!
boy do i know that discussion…and boy do i know that thought process…I think anyone who loves what they do doesn’t do it for money and when pushed to think that way, it is not the way the world works for them. I also don’t want to kill myself for a piece of the pie..i want to enjoy life and being an artist…a full fledged artist, is harder than ANY job that exists…hands down…to truly believe in ones ability and to push through each day and find all the joy and to not get sucked into the society of the American Dream….well done…