I’m Getting It
June 28, 2010
[Preparing for a show on July 17, 2010 in the studio.]
After hemming and hawing about Doing versus Saying recently, I attended a day-long meditation retreat led by Karen Maezen Miller this past weekend, where I was told rather matter-of-factly that I don't really need to do anything, that whatever is going to happen will happen in its own way, and my work is to deal with all of these unfoldings as they occur rather than try to bend them to my will. I'm paraphrasing, but the not needing to do anything part I remember very well. Because this wasn't so much entirely new information as it was an affirmation of an inkling that has been quietly growing in my mind for a while, a seed that was first planted by Maezen herself.
I've so often crowded my mind with the idea that I need to go to great lengths to make sure everyone understands where I stand and why. I am this and not that; I value those things but not these things. I have gone through this transformation, which means I must say that out loud, and explain in great detail about all the hows and whys this transformation happened.
But I'm starting to get it now. Bit by bit, day by day.
I am where I am right now, and where this moment and all the moments before it will lead me, I don't know. I might have ideas and I might have desires. There might be needs that must be attended to (for example, I know in less than an hour the clothes that are now in my dryer will need to be folded) and obligations that have to be fulfilled. But beyond these generalizations, I am simply living my days as best as I can, and it really doesn't serve me to get too wrapped up in whether or not this makes sense to everyone else.
I have had to learn – through an incredibly painful loss – how to stay centered in my own sense of self, self-worth and goodness. Because of the stories certain people in my life have chosen to believe about me, I have had to integrate an almost-daily practice of reminding myself who I am in order not to get pulled into the quicksand of believing the ideas these people have of me.
(I am now on the verge of slipping way too far in the Too Much Personal Information category, but in order to avoid anyone reading this and wondering what I'm getting at here – this has nothing to do with anyone who reads this blog.)
I share this little sliver of Too Much Personal Information to explore why I have felt the need to explain, justify and prove myself – and my goodness – to the world. I might have become skilled at avoiding the pitfalls of giving credence to certain opinions, but I see now it is time to face the pitfalls of one of my defense mechanisms against these opinions, which is that I tend to go overboard in the area of trying to make myself seen, heard and understood. On this blog. In letters. Over email. On the phone. With my husband. At my friend's house.
But I'm starting to get it now. Bit by bit, day by day.
I don't need to do anything. It isn't necessary to go out of my way to express something that most people likely aren't interested in. I can rest in the truth of my actions, and find solace in the knowledge that they will speak for themselves. And hopefully, if I stay true to my intentions and live mindfully throughout each day, these actions will speak of the peace that never leaves us, and the freedom in letting go of our fears.
“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself." ~ Zen Proverb
So many words that I hold dear in my heart, came from you.
G.R.A.C.E.
A lesson that I can take as well. I constantly feel that Im’ trying to make myself be heard and understood. Why? What does it matter? This is who I am and if people don’t get that, it’s their loss. I’m working on being more quiet, more still and more sure about who I am and what I want to do.
I love you!
oh my goodness….big smooch and a big thank you!
I love this post! I have a quote from Neale Donald Walsch on my bathroom mirror: “There is nowhere you have to go, nothing to do, and no one you have to “be” except exactly who you’re being right now. The truth is that there is no journey. You are right now what you are attempting to be – you are right now where you are attempting to go. It is the master who knows this and thus ends the struggle.”
I keep forgetting it, though. So I have to read that little 3×5 card a lot!
See, you didn’t do anything except share from your heart and look what happened, we all found you anyways WHY? because
we FREAKIN
LOVE
YOU
that is why
xoxo
Oh I know the need to be seen and heard, all too human it is.
It isn’t for you to explain anything to anyone. You just BE.
Same as me.
I was drawn in to your sense of humour which struck me as highly intelligent and self assured. I still feel you are those things. I admire you. xo
Beautiful post. Both your art (I love the brown and blue piece on the bottom)…and your message~!
p.s. more details on this in-studio show, please!
>that whatever is going to happen will happen >in its own way, and my work is to deal with >all of these unfoldings as they occur rather >than try to bend them to my will.
I like this, and at a subconscious level I suspect I understand it but that I all too often lose it.
“Because of the stories certain people in my life have chosen to believe about me, I have had to integrate an almost-daily practice of reminding myself who I am in order not to get pulled into the quicksand of believing the ideas these people have of me.” Yes. For me, it is the negativity of others I’ve had to fight. But it’s true, we’re not responsible for others’ opinions – in their often limited thinking. We just have to be our complex selves, whether or not others understand. xo
I run around on a daily basis with a vast anxiety, because I think I should be DOING so much more. Maybe I feel like if I stop DOING then the world would stop turning and my very identity would fall off the face of the earth.
The irony here is that this anxiety about doing also keeps me from doing, as I get almost literally dizzy from all the spinning my brain is doing.
And yet, maybe without doing, it all gets done.
Beautiful! I would paraphrase everything you wrote here into one simple sentence:
You are behind your choices.
When we are behind our own choices, we are grounded in that and the potential to give away our power is significantly diminished! Lovely.
Amen. So simple, and yet such a journey. Thanks for being my trusted and beloved companion on the path.
Several thoughts as I read this post . . .
First, when I saw all your paintings looking back at me from that picture as it loaded on the page, I got a huge smile on my face. Several posts back (not sure which one), you shared some pictures of works in progress in the studio, and one of them kept captivating me. I hope to one day own one of your paintings, ESPECIALLY one that captivates me and keeps pulling me deeper in.
Next, as I was reading this post, I couldn’t help myself from thinking, “I love you, Christine.” (Which may be my own bit of trespassing into the land of Too Much Personal Information, but I’ll trust you hear my heart when I say that instead of thinking me weird.)
And last, I’m just so glad for this place you have landed and are continuing to land. I’ve been in a place of grasping like crazy for the last 6-9 months, and it has really done a number on my heart and sense of self and rootedness that I had come to find. I am starting to see glimmers of that peace and rootedness returning, but it’s not fully here inside me yet. But here in your story, I am glad to know you are finding and embracing it.
xoxo,
Christianne
Just wanted you to know that I am listening. It takes a long time to get comfortable with ourselves, which I think is one of the biggest “tasks” we have to do in life. Some people never begin or want to…but you’re better for doing it!
Yes.
because we are human BEings, not human DOings. sadly (and unfortunately), people will make their minds up about who you are, often without having any kind of clue as to who you REALLY are. though i totally understand the need to explain sometimes; to clarify or correct.
one of my girlfriends spent a year telling herself to “sit… sit… stay” and now, as i am not currently working and have time to really explore what it means to be me (without having a job to define a major part of my days), i am finding this a necessary practise myself.
i am not sure how this relates to what you wrote, but the words just came out here, so hopefully they reach you in a way that you can use them (without me having to explain myself any further)!
there are lots of ways to be ‘heard’ and not all of them involve words.
Love this quote:
“Preach the gospel at all times — If necessary, use words.” Saint Francis of Assisi
you’ve been a favorite of ours for quite awhile, and we recently updated our blog to have a ‘stuff we like’ tab. just fyi, we added you!
http://thingswithwingsartjournal.blogspot.com
keep up the hard and great work!
I was thinking the same thing as miss Pixie…more info on what’s happening on the 17th. Please.
Karin
First… Oh my goodness!!! Those paintings!!!! *swoon*
Second… nevermind, I’m going to email you.
MUCHO love, appreciation and well more love,
xoxo,
Carmen
mmmm…and comes to mind a quote that I am clinging to these days…
“If you’ve lost focus, just sit down and be still. Take the idea and rock it to and fro. Keep some of it and throw some away, and it will renew itself. You need do no more.” – Clarissa P. Estes, WWRwTW
my greatest fear up until about 6 months ago was being misunderstood. not so much anymore.
you are welcome to just be, my friend. loved this and love you. xx