Maitri
A new realization just hit me ~ although it isn’t the kind of awareness that is surprising. This has to do with something I’ve known all along, but have never set it alongside another tidbit of awareness. To see the two next to each other gives each of them an entirely new sheen, the way two bright colors stand out when they are side-by-side differently than when they are apart. Turquoise blue is bright and liquid on its own; fuschia pink is cheerful and floral. Put the two right next to each other, and the contrast can practically burn one’s eyes ~ suddenly thoughts of neon, 80s fashion and electricity come to mind. That feels like a long-winded explanation, but I needed to adequately express the difference. The new contrast is something I can’t take my eyes off of; it is unnerving and alluring at the same time.
I was reading this entry from Marianne Elliott, and at the end of her entry she asked:
How do you move past self-doubt? Where do you find faith?
My answer:
This is so fascinating! At a VERY young age, I came to the realization that if there was something I wanted in my life, I would have to be the one to create it, to make it happen. My family life was not especially peaceful or stable and I am an only child, so I think I’ve just been used to walking on this earth on my own in many ways. My bigger wells of self-doubt have to do with relationships; that is where my more difficult challenges exist.
Answering Marianne’s question brought two pieces of my self and placed them right alongside one another, and this new arrangement made me stop. And stare. I have most certainly had moments of doubt, uncertainty, and fear around the pursuit of dreams, my work, life goals, etc. but rarely do they stop me from doing what I set out to do. In fact, I’m not sure fear has ever stopped me in my tracks permanently, whether for art, writing, travel, or countless other action-oriented pursuits.
But relationships? Now that’s where I’ve had my work cut out for me. And my more detailed answer to Marianne’s question is that this has been a slow, methodical process that has taken my entire adult life and still feels like a minefield more frequently than I would like. How do I move past self-doubt and find faith? There are many ways, and I tend to have a “flavor of the month” approach depending on what kind of circumstances I am dealing with. For a while I might find the largest portals through my own fears by ~ ironically ~ setting boundaries; later I might need to practice reaching out even though it feels scary. Lately I have been letting my fears and anxieties in and trying to sink more deeply in them ~ to really feel them, observe them, and let them be exposed. This makes me feel odd and wobbly, but I find that once I let these feelings be, I can breathe easier. Rather than trying to run away from them or, worse, judge them (and therefore judge myself), I can just take them out and look at them, let them sit in the sunlight and feel that warmth.
Because there has been such a flurry of people and activity in our house for two months now ~ and it doesn’t look to be slowing down ~ I have been feeling especially quiet lately. I haven’t been as attentive to my online social circle, eager to keep the small slices of total peace and quiet I get to myself rather than jump on the computer. I have also recently had to deal with yet another experience of feeling a rug pulled out from beneath me with no warning or explanation ~ one of those instances when I realize how very delicate of a balance it is between having trust and relying on expectations. The good news is that I moved through that disappointment quickly, the result of having a focused practice that I discussed here. A foundation has been created one layer, one moment, at a time.
How do I move past self-doubt? How do I find faith?
Step by step, with total surrender.
“The complete acceptance of ourselves as we are is called maitri, a simple, direct relationship with the way we are.” ~Pema Chodron
100 Books Project :: Tatton Park, UK
[Book #82, left in Tatton Park, UK by the lovely Book Fairy Stephanella Walsh.]
Book #82 was left by one of the sassiest Book Fairies I know ~ Stephanella Walsh. She wrote a beautiful entry about the day she left the book right here, on her very inspiring blog The Creative Identity.
Here’s an excerpt:
“I left the book by the lake, where people often stop by to admire the view, but I must admit that I stressed quite a lot about it, fearful that rain would start lashing down before someone would find it or that someone would just take a look and walk away. When I returned an hour later the book was still there. When I went back a week later, it was gone. Have you got this book? Did it make your day? It surely did make mine.”
Thank you Stephanella!
Five Things
Daydreaming about Globe-Trotting today…
1. Vietnam
2. India
3. Morocco
4. Jordan
5. Garlands Go Global is the website of my best friend from high school and her family ~ they are spending nearly a year traveling around the world right now. Head over there and cheer them on!
The Special Guest Star
It all started with this entry, so I decided it was only fitting that she bring up the rear of my very first Elephant Parade. And because I’m also trying to raise $1000 for Marianne Elliott’s Global Seva Challenge for South Africa, whenever our lovely guest above ~ who I’ve just named Ruby ~ finds a home, every penny of that sale will go directly to Marianne.
I am just over the halfway mark of my $1000 goal ~ right here in the middle of the month ~ and whoever decides to give Ruby a happy home will provide quite a nice little boost towards this goal.
Big thanks to everyone who came along to support the Elephant Parade ~ maybe another one will roll through next month.
To purchase Ruby, click here.
100 Books Project :: Santa Monica, Part Two
[Book #78, left at YogaWorks on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica, CA]
After dropping off three other books, Melissa and I headed to the yoga studio I go to. I couldn’t resist leaving a book in the stairwell leading up to the studio.
[Book #78 against a bright orange wall.]
[Book #79, left on Ocean Avenue. facing the Pacific Ocean.]
On our way to my favorite mural off of Main Street, I pulled over in order to leave a book on one of the park benches facing the Pacific Ocean along Ocean Avenue.
[Book #79]
After this, we deposited one more book in front of one of my favorite Santa Monica murals:
[Book #80, in front of the "You are Beautiful" mural in Santa Monica, CA.]
[Book #80]
It was a 100 Books Extravaganza!
Click here to see the entire 100 Books Gallery.
Drawing on the Stillness
[Photo taken in Big Sur earlier this year.]
For most of my life, my approach to most anything, whether dream, problem, or hair-brained idea, has been to dive in, tackle, and confront. This was a very Type-A, take-no-prisoners approach, and while I have logged in plenty of examples that demonstrate all the ways this served me, over the past few years I have been very slowly, very methodically shifting my approach to the quieter side of the spectrum. To sit still in situations when I might have once leaped forward. To take a deep exhale in moments when I might have once held my breath and jumped off the high dive. To do nothing during episodes when I might have once kicked down whatever door I thought was standing in my way.
If I tried to explain all the factors and influences that have inspired me to knock my intensity down a number of notches, I’d be writing for hours (and then days, and then weeks), and while I might one day be able to pull all those stories together in some kind of meaningful, digestible form, for now I’ll just say that the specific reasons are many, but the overall motivation is singular: I want to savor as many moments of my life as I possibly can.
This seems like an obvious statement, as in, “Of course this is what you want ~ this is what everyone wants,” but I have become keenly aware of all the ways I get in my own way of savoring each moment of my life, of all the ways I send my time, energy, and attention in other directions ~ away from my own self, away from my own deepest priorities. I have given out of love and in support of something I believe in, and also out of corrosive guilt and a fear that if I don’t do enough, I will somehow not be OK. The reasons are many, and oh-so human, and while it wouldn’t serve any purpose to stuff all these stories in a big box called bad, they do serve as powerful reminders of the patterns I know I do not want to repeat.
I have learned how to take a softer approach to whatever is in front of me very simply: Practice. Deciding I want to try a new approach the next time x happens, recognizing the opportunity when it appears, and practicing my new “technique”. And then it’s just like the instructions for shampoo: Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. This isn’t always easy, and I always have moments of backsliding and slipping into old patterns, but the beauty of keeping a consistent practice is that one day, without expecting it, situation x happens again, and instead of having that instance of struggle ~ of being pulled towards an old habit and having to reign myself back towards the new one ~ I go directly to it. Suddenly I am in the midst of a situation when I know for a fact I would have experienced a profound resistance a year ago, but today I can’t even tap into the old habit. As a way to test my resolve, I might even try to get myself back in the old mode, just to see how easily I might jump back on that train. In those situations I am usually pleasantly surprised to discover I have absolutely no will to jump. Instead, I am content to remain still, and let the train whizz by, pulling my hair in its direction as it disappears in the distance.
Drawing on this stillness is the same practice no matter what situation I am confronted with ~ no matter what disappointment, frustration, opportunity, vision, or circumstance. And that practice is about trust, about knowing ~ not just believing ~ that my life is going to unfold on a daily basis in ways I cannot predict, and so instead of resisting that and trying to shape it into what I think it should be, I can let go and simply take the best possible care of myself in whatever situation I am in. If I need a quiet moment, I take a quiet moment. If I need to set boundaries, I set boundaries. If I need to write a story, I write a story.
It is practice, only practice, and with every breath I take mindful of these intentions, the river flows more easily, and the pebbles grow smoother each day.
“One’s action ought to come out of an achieved stillness; not to be mere rushing on.” ~ D.H. Lawrence
Mondrianna!
Mondrianna is a beautiful gold elephant ~ Number Eight in our Elephant Parade!
She is 4″ x 4″ x 1/2″, ready to hang.
One more elephant will come through tomorrow at 9:00am PST ~ a special Guest Star!
Mondrianna is sold.
Chloe & Jack
OK ~ Who out there is going to be brave enough to adopt not one but TWO elephants today!
Chloe and Jack need have a happy home ~ the original is sold.
Tomorrow’s elephant will be here at 9:00am PST and then Thursday, October 14th a surprise Special Guest Star will be bringing up the rear!
100 Books Project :: Santa Monica, Part One
[Book #75, left on San Vicente Blvd. in Santa Monica, CA in June 2010.]
When my BFF came out for a visit this summer, I decided it was time to go on a Book Fairy Binge, so with a stack of books and my camera, we ventured out all over Santa Monica to sprinkle a little Book Fairy Magic. We started on San Vicente Blvd. with Book #75, which is a hive of activity with runners, dog-walkers and cyclist. We tucked it in the tree above and quickly ran away!
About a month later, I received a brief email from Julio:
“Hi Christine, my friend and I found your book, number 75 out of 100,
in Santa Monica. Thank you for the gift.”
[The Pacific Dining Car, site of the Book #76 Dropoff, left in honor of the lovely Anne Carmack.]
From San Vicente, we headed over to Wilshire Blvd. and stopped at the Pacific Dining Car. That day happened to be Anne Carmack’s birthday, and since Anne and I met at the Pacific Dining Car on my birthday (around 1:30am, no less), we decided a book needed to be left there in her honor.
[Book #76, at the Pacific Dining Car in Santa Monica, CA.]
[The Brentwood Art Center, Santa Monica, CA]
We flipped back towards the direction we had just come from in order to leave Book #77 at the The Brentwood Art Center.
[Swirly trying to be subtle about leaving Book #77 next to the Brentwood Art Center.]
We couldn’t think of a better place to leave a book that was part of a global creative project!
[Book #77, waiting for its new owner to come along and take it home.]
We headed to three more spots after this, and those stories are on the way in an upcoming post!
Don’t Turn Away
“I just want to stop doing so much to change me. I want to stop believing that there’s a “better”, more practical, watered-down way that I could be. I want to revel in the realization that all of this has made the artist, the dedicated devotee that I finally am today. I want to be the reasonable voice your crazy turns to when it is trembling, afraid at last it’s really lost it’s f***ing way. I want to tell you with a solid, soft conviction that this thing right now, this feeling, this fire, this frozen brick of panic and shame – this means something; there’s something brewing here. Stop fighting. Stop trying. And please, I want to beg you, please don’t turn away.” ~Anne Carmack
