…and a Guest Post from Kate Swoboda! Today’s Give Away is for one of the small, colorful Japanese washcloths I am crazy about. I plan on bringing a heaping pile of them home with me, and will have one wrapped especially as a gift for this Give Away. Do you know what I love about this? Knowing it will be wrapped beautifully, because that’s how it’s done. Even for a washcloth.

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Perhaps my favorite part of Christine’s book, Ordinary Sparkling Moments, are the pages where she writes this:

“In any conversation, exchange, or discussion, I try to imagine communication as a game of catch. I can either throw my words and ideas to the other person gently, in a way that enables them to accept what I am offering, or I can hurl something violently without thought or consideration. Do I want the other person to be able to receive what I am trying to say or do I want the exchange to feel like I am throwing an object squarely at their forehead?”

I remember having a really palpable reaction to these words: YES! Absolutely! When someone’s upset with me, I feel as if things are thrown at me that I just can’t quite catch! And this must be how others feel when I’m showing my upset at them!

I resolved to think of this when I was communicating with others.

But of course–the most important way that we can reframe communication is with the inner critic–the side of ourselves that gets fearful and triggered, and in that space, can really throw some punches. “Who do you think you are?” “Why bother?” “No one would like you/your idea.” –When your inner critic is afraid, this is what she sounds like.

And, in reaction to that, how do so many of us respond? By either not throwing the ball at all and blindly assuming that the critical voice is right, or by throwing the ball with force, hating the side of ourselves that is fearful and afraid.

I’d like to propose that those two options are extremes, and that there is, as the Buddhists say, “the middle way.” Reframing your relationship with your inner critic is the most powerful thing you can do on the journey to love and accept yourself. Start seeing it as an aspect of yourself that is much like an 8-year-old who’s had a long day and who gets a little messy when she’s afraid.

Communication is key. Start throwing the ball differently. I started with the phrase, “Re-do, please.” As in, my inner critic needs to rephrase what was said, because I require respectful communication in my relationships. Again and again– “Re-do, please. I need you to rephrase that more respectfully.”

When kids get upset, it’s good to set up boundaries without going so far as to see them as “bad people.” When our inner critics get upset, we can do the same thing–requiring the same respectful communication that we’d require from others. Now of course–this process takes time. It’s two steps forward, one step back. It’s getting present again and again to the ways that the inner critic voice will morph to stay in control, until that inner critic learns (because this is what you’re teaching it) how to be in relationship with you in a different way–in essence, how to work with fear in a different way, since that’s when the inner critic comes out. You’re leveling the playing field, really– setting up the kind of relationship where everyone can catch the balls that are thrown.

To learn more about Kate Swoboda and her life coaching work, head over to Your Courageous Life.