Packing
{Tokyo, Japan ~ View of Mt. Fuji in the distance. Photo taken in 2009.}
No Give Away today ~ I need to pack! Just a quick reminder ~ I post each day’s winner on the original post. A couple of readers have asked about that so I wanted to make sure everyone knew what was what.
Growing Up
{Today’s Give Away is for a Mystery Goodie!}
Lisa posted this comment last week in response to my blog entry about online and offline relationship building ~
“Christine, I would love to see a follow-up post on the subject of cultivating female friendships (the offline type). Growing up in a military family and moving at least every 3 years, I think I missed something very important when it comes to nuturing friendships.”
I have written at length about the fat rolodex of addresses I’ve resided at throughout my life, something that started when I was a baby and my parents moved from my birthplace of Norman, Oklahoma to the east coast. After that it was the same routine every few years. My father was a Marine so we never stayed in one place for very long, although I suppose these transitions were a little bit easier on me because they always occurred within and between the same two states – Virginia and North Carolina. We went from Norman to Quantico to Norfolk, back to Quantico, and then to Jacksonville, North Carolina before making our way up to Alexandria, Virginia, where my parents divorced and the moving slowed down. To this day I am grateful I was able to stay within the same school system from 7th to 12th grade. I remember the move we made from Jacksonville to Alexandria – which took place between 5th and 6th grades – as the first one that I felt distress over. One of my most vivid memories is of telling my friends I was moving while we waited in line for our regular Sunday afternoon activity ~ rollerskating the day away at Skate World ~ and feeling the tears well up in my eyes, something I think took even me by surprise in that moment.
Until that moment, I don’t remember thinking much about our moves. It was just what we did every so often, and with each move came a new opportunity to make friends. In that sense, I have always considered the timing of my parent’s divorce as fortunate. If it had to happen, I’m glad it happened right before I hit puberty, when the idea of having to continue to switch schools and make friends would have likely become increasingly traumatic. As far as my childhood is concerned, I’ve always seen myself as an outgoing, determined little girl, always confident she would make new friends. The fact that we lived on military bases in a few places helped, because kids were everywhere. Not only that, they were kids like me ~ we all moved a lot, our dads were gone for weeks or months at a time.
I would say my experiences as a military brat taught me how to adapt more than anything ~ to a new home, a new town, new friends, and new schools. As an only child, I was also content to get to know and explore a new place on my own, and some of my most treasured memories are of these solitude adventures. I rode my bike, climbed trees, walked through the woods, and drank from streams. If I got into trouble, my punishment was always the same: I had to stay inside.
Reflecting upon this now, I would have to say that ~ of my military brat-ness versus my only child-ness ~ my only child-ness and child-of-divorce-ness have been the bigger factors in who I have become and how I’ve approached relationships. As early as high school I started making my first attempts at creating a “family” from my friends, not feeling like I really had one in my own home, and it has been a sometimes rocky road towards the realization that this simply isn’t possible. The journey I’ve taken towards the family I have now has been a long and winding one, and it is only within the past couple of years that I have truly opened my arms to this circle and embraced the truth that I belong here.
Which actually brings me back to some of the points I made in the entry that started all of this. It is no coincidence that I have learned to lower my expectations, set better boundaries, and let go of putting undue pressure on myself with regard to maintaining too many connections, online or otherwise, as I have stepped more confidently into the circle of my family. I have found my home with my family; I have found the family I have been searching for ever since I was a little girl and I decided I was alone in the world. And this family has helped me recognize that it wasn’t necessarily wrong for me to try to create my “tribe” in other circles, but it wasn’t where I truly belonged and where I would be most magnificently loved, supported, and accepted.
Growing up as an only-child-military-brat may have created some challenges, but it led me to where I am today, and that, quite frankly, is the only thing that matters. That makes every moving van, cardboard box, and new school registration worth it. It means everything went exactly as it needed to.
{For more on this subject, check out Brats: Our Journey Home, the first documentary about growing up military.}
Directions
{Today’s Give Away ~ Send me your favorite quote (please no book passages or twenty-line poems) and I will write it for you with ink & brush like these cards. Jen is today’s winner ~ yay! Thank you to everyone for sharing all of the wonderful quotes!}
Even though there was a pretty loud voice in my head telling me I should use the small two-hour sliver of uninterrupted time available to me today to work on my book, when that part of today’s clock started ticking I set to an entirely different task. I took everything down from the ginormous bulletin board in my studio and gave my desk a good tidying up. Now that the first month of the new year is on the downslope, I figured it was time to clear off the collection of images and words that carried me through 2010 in order to make room for a new one. The only thing attached to my board right now is the small compass shown above, an item that came into my possession a while ago, from where, I don’t remember. It is a little cheap-ish toy, but as a passionate traveler who loves using journeys as metaphors for life experiences, I love keeping it on the board year after year. It reminds me to pay attention ~ to stay mindful of what direction I’m going.
I’m not sure if I will add to this board bit by bit over time or if I will set aside an afternoon to put it together in a more focused way. Right now I’m leaning towards the latter, and I might even have time to do this before the weekend. Not that there is a pressing need to do this as soon as possible, but it is the thought of taking the time to do this for myself that I think is most appealing. Tilda was spayed two weeks ago, and so she has been sequestered from her all afternoon doggy play dates since then, which has made us both a little stir crazy. Today was the first day she went out and ~ surprise! ~ it was the first day I felt like I could indulge in renovating my bulletin board and, you know, dusting my desk.
Although the last part of the year was a pretty wild one, even by the standards of our always active household, I managed to do quite a bit of personal work throughout all of it. Thinking about that now, I find it almost miraculous ~ When did I do this and how did I manage it amidst all of our crazy shenanigans? Sometimes it takes getting beyond an experience to see what was actually accomplished. There were times when I wondered why I was doing the work I was doing, because I didn’t feel like I was able to take any more time than the bare minimum to really sit still with everything I was working on. But it sunk in nonetheless ~ on my walks, while folding laundry, in the early hours of the morning before the sun was even up. And now I am staring at a blank bulletin board, and getting excited about carving out even more time this week to create something that reflects the work I’ve been doing since last fall and the direction I want to take in 2011 and beyond.
“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Buddhist Proverb
Do It
{Today’s Give Away is another iPhone wallpaper ~ enjoy!}
I just picked up a small book called It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be by Paul Arden. I just flipped open to a page with this quote:
“When it can’t be done, do it. If you don’t do it, it doesn’t exist.”
This is going to be good ~ very, very good.
Experimental Mode
{Today’s Give Away is for the Friendship Journal! Quinn is our lucky winner today!}
I have been devouring everyone’s comments from Saturday’s entry, and deeply appreciative of all the thoughtful, insightful observations. I particularly enjoyed what Marianne had to say about social media affecting our ability to focus to what is in front of us. One of the reasons I have become so aware and fascinated by the day to day effects of social media has to do with this – with situations where someone sitting in front of me insists on interrupting the natural flow of our conversation and time together in order to check text messages (and respond), tweet, answer phone calls, etc. I was once at an intimate dinner party with seven guests, and at one point in the evening three people had their heads down ~ at the table ~ checking their phones. This was almost three years ago, and now that I share that little snippet I wonder if perhaps that might not have been the moment it occurred to me that something was beginning to really go haywire in our culture.
I don’t want to belabor any of the points already made, but I believe these conversations are important. Quinn’s comment on this entry was spot on ~ this straddling we all feel like we have to do between online and offline is an unavoidable part of life now. We have to learn how to manage the countless ways we are able to connect and keep in touch. With so many options, each of us can pick and choose what works for us, and this is a great thing. It is also totally up to us how much time, effort, and credence we give to what we, and everyone else, presents online. And in situations when one person insists on interrupting the intimate space of face-to-face interactions with virtual exchanges, each of us has to manage that in a way that feels right to us. I don’t like when this happens, but I have never spoken up about it. I accept these moments quietly, and choose to use them as tiny spaces of time when I can simply sit still and be in the moment. With each experience I try to observe and respond gently, a practice that has taken me time and effort to solidify. It is all a learning process, for all of us.
“As social media, or whatever you want to label it, becomes more prevalent, there will be blunders. We’re in experimental mode right now.” – Steve Hall, AdGabber founder
You Are…
…now reading the fastest blog entry ever!
The day is slipping away from me and I am on a tight deadline, but I wanted to slip in today’s Give Away ~ a special set of my You Are Inspiration Deck. 42 cards individually hole-punched and tied together with a silk ribbon.
{Carol is our big winner for today ~ thank you for all of the lovely comments!!}
Until tomorrow, here’s a story I just posted over at Gypsy Girl’s Guide about Pakistan. (Yes, Pakistan!)
More Thoughts…
Everyone’s comments to yesterday’s entry are so interesting. I find the topic of social media endlessly fascinating, and I will probably always be posting entries now and then about it. I just ordered Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other and I can’t wait to dive into it. The synopsis of the book states:
“As the digital age sparks increasing debate about what new technologies and increased connectivity are doing to our brains, comes this chilling examination of what our iPods and iPads are doing to our relationships…For all the talk of convenience and connection derived from texting, e-mailing, and social networking, Turkle reaffirms that what humans still instinctively need is each other, and she encounters dissatisfaction and alienation among users: teenagers whose identities are shaped not by self-exploration but by how they are perceived by the online collective…Facebook users who feel shallow status updates devalue the true intimacies of friendships. Turkle’s prescient book makes a strong case that what was meant to be a way to facilitate communications has pushed people closer to their machines and further away from each other.”
I think, for the most part, our ability to connect with so many people from all over the world is a pretty wondrous and amazing thing. What I wonder about is where this will take us ~ will we eventually spend so much time connecting online that we lose our ability to nurture more deeply intimate relationships face to face? Is it the best thing in the world that the generation now in high school (and younger) is interacting so much through texting and Facebook and other online avenues? Is our ability to psychologically and emotionally manage all the information that is available to us through social media keeping up with its lightening fast developments?
I cannot stress enough that I am not trying to make blanket statements or judgments about social media; I am simply interested in exploring what the long-term effects of having so many online connections might be. And I am curious about this because I have had direct, negative experiences that were solely the result of something that occurred online. I have had to learn how to very carefully and mindfully manage my expectations and the potential expectations of others who I have connected with online, and only as that practice has deepened have I been able to find a comfortable place for myself within the wide array of networks available online. While my motivations for exploring these questions might have been charged with emotion a while back, these days it is less about wanting to make sense of situations that caught me off guard and more about a genuine desire to look at this from a sociological point of view.
We are the trailblazers of this new technology ~ having to figure out how it all works, how to maneuver through situations we weren’t ever faced with until the last five to ten years, how to balance online and face-to-face, how to understand our place in the real world and now the virtual world. Between blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo Groups, e-courses, and other networks, we are exposing ourselves in more ways than human beings ever have, and using these networks to connect, communicate, and build relationships. And we are all having to figure out how to do this with no forebears to guide us through this new, ever-expanding territory.
I value the social media tools available to me ~ to all of us. As a creative entrepreneur, the opportunities and possibilities it has created are astounding. With every leap in progress comes new questions, problems, and unknowns, and these are the issues that are just now being raised in earnest with regard to social media. Where are we going with this and what are we learning about ourselves ~ as individuals and as a culture?
What do you think?
P.S. Lisa posted this comment yesterday: “Christine, I would love to see a follow-up post on the subject of cultivating female friendships (the offline type). Growing up in a military family and moving at least every 3 years, I think I missed something very important when it comes to nuturing friendships.” That post is next, as I was a military brat too and can definitely speak to this. Great prompt ~ thank you Lisa!
Face to Face
I found these objects on one of my walks last month, and just mailed them to a friend with no note of explanation. It’s the second time I have sent her something like this ~ the first item was a note left on someone’s car, explaining the car shouldn’t be parked so close to the note writer’s driveway, because she can’t back out!
For today’s Give Away, I will take a walk and send you the four most interesting scraps I find. I promise no wads of gum or half-eaten sandwiches, but cool stuff that could be used for collage work. I will be taking a weekend break from the Give Aways ~ check back Monday for the next freebie! Congratulations to Ann Howley ~ winner of today’s Give Away!
And now, I present today’s official blog entry…
The other night I shared a beautiful, intimate, laughter-fueled evening with four amazing, creative women. Over the past six or so years, we have slowly formed a circle that has supported each of us through an array of personal, professional, collaborative, and creative experiences without ever feeling the need to put any kind of label, attachments, or expectations on any part of our connection. To put it plainly ~ it is this circle I have thought of time and time again when I’ve needed a safe space to rest my spirit. This is not to say other friendships or circles of friends have not provided similar emotional comfort, but there has always been a particular kind of ease with these friendships, and my theory (which has been shaped by discussions I’ve had with another one of these special-kind-of-ease-friends) is that this has to do with the unique kind of baggage that so often accompanies online connections.
Time Magazine named Mark Zukerberg ~ the founder of Facebook ~ Person of the Year, and the article about him was fascinating. I saw The Social Network and loved it, keeping mind that the film is a work of fiction ~ based loosely on actual events, but not a fact-checked documentary that proclaimed to tell the unequivocal truth of Facebook. There were a few passages in the Time article I highlighted, and although the author was speaking specifically about Facebook, I think the same ideas can be applied to online social networks ~ including blogs ~ in general.
“Friendships multiply with gratifying speed, and the emotional stakes stay soothingly low…”
“…(it) is a painfully blunt instrument for doing the delicate work of transmitting human relationships. It’s an excellent utility for sending and receiving data, but we are not data…”
“We are running our social lives over the Internet, an infrastructure that was not designed for that purpose, and we must be aware of the distortions it creates or we will be distorted by them.”
I have written at length about the ups and downs I’ve experienced building a community online, and I think it will always be something I am interested in, fascinated by, and therefore exploring for as long as I’m part of it. During this time, I have continued to build and nurture plenty of relationships that have little or nothing to do with anything online. And after five years of moving in and out of various friendships, connections, circles, groups, and ~ let’s just call them what they are ~ cliques, both on and offline, it is impossible not to make the distinction between relationships that are strongly affected by online activities and those that aren’t.
Which brings me back to this circle of women that I shared a sparkling Tuesday evening with, and the beautiful way these friendships have been nurtured ~ step by step, and always face to face ~ over a long string of years. We did not meet each other online, we did not meet with any expectations that we were destined to become close friends, and we did not have an preconceived notions of one another before we shared our first cup of coffee. These are women I have mentioned here and there on my website ~ mainly to help promote each of their wonderful creative endeavors ~ but they are not friendships I’ve written about in much detail beyond that. (Although I have become quite fussy about posting anything too specific regarding any of my friendships for a number of reasons.) These are friendships that have grown and evolved through countless small steps, all of which have to do with showing up for one another in ways both joyful and heartbreaking, both celebratory and somber. And I think the foundation of this circle of friends is rooted in its distance from social media; it has grown strong and formidable because we’ve never had to slog through the sensitivities and expectations that so often go hand in hand with friendships formed, shared, and exposed online.
I still believe meaningful connections can be made online, and there are friendships and connections I’ve enjoyed without so much as a hiccup that exist mainly, if not exclusively, online. I am not trying to outline a theory that says “online = bad”, “offline = good.” I am simply sharing that, in my experience, it is friendships that have been nurtured with little or no exposure online that have evolved with the greatest ease. I sometimes feel like I am straddling between two worlds ~ pre and post-social media ~ and it is fascinating to look at why this works over here but blows up in my face over there. More than that, what I find most remarkable is that these friendships with these four women have grown and evolved so quietly compared to some of the other ticker tape parades I’ve created, participated in, or been privy to online. I’m not sure even I knew how strong our circle was until this week, but sitting in a candlelit living room eating chocolate cherry mousse pie and laughing so hard I nearly choked, the truth of these friendships sank into my bones. By the time I got back home I was feeling grateful for so many things, but most especially the network of freeways and roads that sprawl across Los Angeles, for it is on those roads that we have traveled over the years so that we might talk, and laugh, and hold each other’s hands ~ over pound cake, in our living rooms, face to face.
Weird
Hello Lovely Readers ~ I have been having a weird issue today, which is that today’s entry is not showing up on any of my web browsers, but I know it is posted somewhere in the online universe because I’ve been getting comments. It is also listed as “Published” in my web software, and it appears when I click on my January 2011 archives.
Is everyone seeing my entry dated January 13th? Any ideas on why I can’t see it on my own computer?
In case you haven’t seen it, click here to read it.
Update: Just in case anyone was wondering, I had categorized my entry incorrectly, which is why it was on my site but not my homepage. Mystery solved!
Give Away #13 and a Question
{Today’s Give Away is for a set of Inspiration Notecards ~ one each of eight designs. Congratulations to our winner Jennifer!!}
I’m doing an impromptu survey for a potential book idea. You can leave your answers in the comments or, if you prefer, email them to me at christine@swirlygirl.com. I look forward to reading what everyone has to say!
Three Questions
What does money symbolize to you?
What do you think money is good for?
In one sentence or less, describe your relationship with money.
Please include your first name and occupation. Thank you!
