Mother’s Day
{Tilda and the Shark face off.}
I do not have children, and at this point in my life it is safe to say I will never have them. Aside from the occasional pang here and there, I have, for the most part, felt ambivalent about the idea of motherhood. This ambivalence has fueled my fascination with motherhood; I love hearing about the details of pregnancy, have witnessed two births, and am a rapt listener when it comes to stories about the ups and downs and diagonals of raising small, dependent people into tall, independent adults. And when I hear a story that is particularly funny or touching or outrageous, I then share those stories in other conversations about motherhood as if they were my own.
It isn’t that I woke up one day and decided with finality that I wasn’t going to have children, it is more that the stars just didn’t align the way they needed to in order for that to happen. And that is OK with me, and there are a wide array of reasons why ~ some profoundly personal and some downright practical. Regardless of whichever way I choose to look at it, the most important piece of this motherhood puzzle is the trust I’ve developed with this part of my journey. I’ve never felt the need to try to force things one way or another, and have, over time, grown increasingly grateful for all the details of my life and personality that have made either possibility ~ kids or no kids ~ an idea I can sit fairly comfortable with.
The closest I’ve come to full-on motherhood is happening right here and now, and began on August 13, 2010, the day we brought Tilda home. I’ve been told again and again by mothers that having a puppy is akin to having a baby, and from this experience I have gotten a sense that motherhood might not have been my calling. (But I also say that knowing this story is far from over, and I won’t likely understand all the lessons Tilda is here to teach me for a long while.)
The other part of my motherhood story has to do with my family, most especially my official title in this one, which is stepmother. This title is a running joke in our household. Not only are the ages of my husband’s grown kids far too close to mine to allow us to see one another and say, “Hello, stepson,” and “Hello, stepmom,” without falling on the floor laughing, but all the myths and ideas and dark auras around any family title preceded by “step” have been pretty well shattered in our small circle. Which is why, when someone asks how we know one another, we always pause and giggle, still not quite sure how to present our connection in a tidy little package. Maybe we’re on the cusp of re-defining what it means to be a family of “steps”, or maybe we will eventually be inspired to create entirely different blended family titles. Either way, I can’t help but feel proud that we have all worked hard to create what we want, which has nothing to do with titles, and everything to do with love, respect, and trust.
All this to say I’m not sure the role I play in this family is about being a mother, but it is absolutely about being a caretaker, which has been the most fulfilling, confounding, exasperating, profound, transformative experience of my entire life.
Which is a story for another day.
But I felt inspired to write about it today because two days ago, on the day to celebrate mothers everywhere, two people wished me a Happy Mother’s Day, which is kind of a funny thing because it was on this Mother’s Day that I first began to wonder if it would ever occur to anyone to think of me on that day. It wasn’t wishful thinking, it wasn’t a longing; it was a moment of curiosity, which I think has to do with my growing more comfortable in my role in this family and understanding that, on some level, my role could be considered motherly. These two well wishers not only gave me the gift of their very kind words, they also confirmed my place in this family in a way I hadn’t expected. Their Mother’s Day wishes are a reflection of what I have felt in my heart at different times but haven’t been sure how to articulate.
This isn’t the first time I have had the privilege of seeing my place in this family through the eyes of others, and it is no less potent than any of the other moments when I saw things more clearly in these reflections than I could in my own heart and mind. And in that reflection, I not only get to sink into the joy it inspires, but I find what I need to keep doing what I have been doing ~ to keep opening my heart, and trusting this journey, and loving as deeply as I can.
Miscellany
{Taken in Beijing earlier this year.}
I just received my copy of The Artist Unique by Carmen Torbus, and, not surprisingly, she has created an inspiring collection of tips, techniques, and stories. I am so proud to be one of her contributors!
I’ve done a few tiny updates on my website ~ a couple of additions to my Projects page, and updated Resume, and all the latest on my Press page.
I’ll be taking a more serious step into the world of one of my next possible book projects this week ~ deeper brainstorming, more focused organizing, wider exploration of possibilities. This idea feels bigger and more daunting than any other creative idea I’ve pursued, but it is also something I know is going to unfold in its own time. I’m really just along for the ride.
The latest on my next book is that I should have it in my hands for my first official review of its editing and design next week ~ very exciting!
I am grateful for everyone’s thoughtful comments, insights, and advice in response to this entry from last week. Every single word is deeply appreciated!
And in other news ~ today is laundry day, so our kitchen table now has a tidy arrangement of folded clothes, something I find to be an oddly comforting composition.
“There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth.” ~ Leo Tolstory
Five Things
1. Heath Ceramics ~ Ceramic house numbers inspired by Richard Neutra and Charles & Ray Eames.
2. Trouble @Twitter ~ A fascinating article in Fortune magazine about what’s been going on at the Twitter headquarters.
3. Square ~ It’s the future.
4. Teahouse Art Studio ~ Exciting things are happening here.
5. Emily Wettstein’s planter in a table.
Sending Love to Suraya
The other day I was working on some website updates, and one of my revisions was to add a new item to my Projects Page. The new listing is now at the top of that page, entitled Donations, with links to some of the organizations I have supported over the past few years. There is one problem with that list, however, which is that it is incomplete. What it really ought to say is this:
“(I have) also contributed to Wrap Up Africa, the Seva Foundation, the Susan G. Komen 3-Day, Direct Relief International, the Clinton Foundation, and anything Marianne Elliott is in support of.“
The way I tend to approach things in life is like this ~ there are certain people who I trust so implicitly that all they have to do is say the word and I’m behind them. Marianne Elliott is one of those individuals, and this week she asked for my support. As always, she has embarked upon an endeavor that is beyond the stars and the moon, but if anyone call make it happen, it’s Marianne. Here is what she shared with me this week ~
Suraya’s Story
Suraya Pakzad is the founder and director of Voice of Women in Afghanistan. She runs Herat’s only shelter for women, facing the ongoing financial, personal and social challenges that fighting for freedom for Afghan women impose on a daily basis.
In 1998, against a landscape of oppressive Taliban rule, Suraya Pakzad created an underground movement she named the Voice of Women Organization (VWO). Its initial goal was to teach women and girls how to read, violating the law in the interest of literacy.
Since the fall of the Taliban, VWO has operated openly in Afghanistan, and Suraya now runs several of Afghanistan’s few safe shelters for women. Her efforts continue to place her in danger, and she often receives death-threats. The women’s shelters offer services and protection for women who have fled violent homes, including holistic psychosocial support programmes.
Supporting Suraya
Although Suraya has won numerous awards for her work, recognition does not always translate into financial support. Funding the day-to-day operational costs of the shelters is a constant challenge. In 2010 the shelters had a shortfall for running costs of US$58,000.
{This Mother’s Day I plan to raise $20,000 to contribute towards these expenses.}
To Mama With Love
To do that, I’m partnering with Stacey Monk of Epic Change and a small circle of amazing women to take the To Mama With Love campaign – which last year raised enough money to build a children’s home in Tanzania – and make it even bigger!
Each of the women in this amazing little group has selected a woman change-maker who they love to support through this year’s To Mama With Love. My choice is to raise money for Suraya, an outspoken Afghan women’s rights activist who educated girls in Kabul in secret schools under the Taliban, and now runs Herat’s only women’s shelter.
A Small Shift For Good
$20,000 might seem like a lot of money to raise in one day. But when you think that in the US alone, $14.6 billion is spent annually on Mother’s Day on “stuff”, it seems more like a small shift for good. So what if instead of more money spent on things our mamas don’t even need, we unleashed our love on the world and invested it to make the world a better place for Mamas & children everywhere?
How You Can Help
> Make a donation to the heartspace we have created for Suraya.
> Update your Facebook status and/or send a tweet telling the world why you love the mamas in your life or why you are honouring them by supporting Suraya, linking to Marianne’s post about this project or To Mama With Love.
> Write a blog post about the mama’s you love, or about why courageous women like Suraya inspire you, again linking either to Marianne’s post about this project or To Mama With Love.
> Tell five friends about this event, inviting them to make a donation and create a heartspace to honour a mama in their life.
Happy Mother’s Day!!
My Five Agreements
{Taken on a walk in Beijing last month.}
Sitting down to write for this blog has felt challenging lately ~ for months, actually ~ and the reason for this started to come into sharper focus on my walk yesterday. I have always felt like kind of an oddball blogger, in that my blog doesn’t fit neatly into any particular category or struggle or clearly defined mission beyond sharing my observations and experiences of creating a meaningful life. I have also, over time, chosen to build a stronger boundary between the specific details of my life and this blog, a decision inspired mainly by experiences where something I wrote or shared here created a wedge between myself and another person. I do my best to write honestly, passionately, and with an open heart here ~ always ~ but somehow my words and intentions have still managed to be twisted into a significant enough thorn from time to time that irreparable damage has been done. This is rare, but for it to have happened even once is too much for me.
On the other side of that same coin, I have also come to appreciate the delicate balance between sharing certain experiences ~ particularly with fellow bloggers and friends ~ in a way that is inspiring versus coming across as superior, exclusive, and even clique-ish. And here’s the other funny thing about that ~ I know for a fact that if I were to increase my name-dropping and spend more time announcing to the world who I know, hang out with, and go on retreat with, my blog traffic would increase. Associations with certain people are definitely good from a marketing standpoint, and I most certainly did my best to capitalize on that for a while, but over time it started to feel a little too strange and forced and, at times, false.
There have been times over the past few years when I have walked around beneath a dark cloud of disappointment and frustration over the tangles I’ve encountered in this community. I know that fundamentally this is a creative, supportive, inspiring, connected community, but in the darker corners of the halls and behind closed doors, there is also a fair amount of misplaced sensitivities, competitiveness, unprofessionalism, gossip, and actions that don’t back up what is presented online. And let there be no misunderstanding ~ this includes me. This is not unique as far as group dynamics go; these things are true of any community ~ yoga instructors, teachers, even families. This is simply everyone being human, and therefore beautiful and well-intentioned and flawed and doing our best and trying to figure out how all of these social media dynamics are supposed to work. We’re the guinea pigs here, so there are bound to be some bumps.
Having said all that, what became clear to me on my walk yesterday is not a revelation but a recognition that I haven’t been entirely convinced that my more recent ability to ride these currents peacefully has been real. I made certain commitments to myself a long while ago and I’ve stuck to those commitments, and because of this my heart has settled down and my sensitivities have ebbed, and I have developed a much healthier approach and relationship to this community as a whole. This, in turn, has had a positive impact on all of my relationships, both in and out of the blogosphere.
This is a mighty long introduction to a very short list of agreements I now live by with regard to this community (and again, I believe this is applicable to any group, community, or relationship.) These agreements were born out of a recognition that I was setting myself up for a lot of the disappointments I experienced. Once I stopped blaming others and wallowing in my hurt feelings, I found the tools I needed to create stronger, healthier, more balanced relationships, both personal and professional. And then once it dawned on me that, “Wow, this has actually worked,” I wanted to share it here. Maybe I am the only person who has tripped and stumbled in a world where we are all privy to the details of one another’s lives more than ever before ~ and therefore having to keep track of what was said over here, but how it wasn’t at all what we witnessed over there ~ or maybe there is at least one person out there reading this who might find some of this useful. I have learned so much from this community, and am grateful for all the ways it has made me a better person.
1. Let go of expectations ~ all of them, every single one of them. If there is something specific I want or need from someone, I try to express that clearly rather than hope the other person will be able to read my mind. Then after I’ve shared this, I release all expectations. This practice has changed my life.
2. Take responsibility ~ this doesn’t mean I blame myself for everything, it means that the more I blame others, the more I give away my power and ability to change, resolve, and overcome whatever problem or frustration I am experiencing. I always play a role in the stories of my life, and the more I focus on my role, the easier it is for me to work through the prickly parts.
3. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries ~ for the longest time, I fancied myself the kind of friend and colleague that would “go the extra mile.” The problem is that all those extra miles got really exhausting and usually sent me to the same place: Resentment. Setting a boundary is not about closing my heart, it is about taking care of myself and honoring what feels right. It took a long time, but I’m now comfortable acknowledging my limitations.
4. Trust there is enough room for everyone ~ this has been a belief I have held close to my heart for years, and I’ve always chuckled when people are amazed I’m willing to share information, advice, experiences, etc. I don’t see the world as an entity with a finite amount of space available for me to pursue my most meaningful life, which can include creating art and books and jewelry and films and workshops. I serve no purpose comparing myself to others, and I need not worry that someone else is going to “take away” something from my work, career, or passion.
5. Do my work ~ the more time I spend mindlessly browsing blogs, websites, and Facebook, the less work I do, and the more miserable I feel. I love and am inspired by what this community is doing, and I try to keep up as well as I can in order to offer support for everyone’s endeavors, but my real work is to do my own work. The more I stay focused on that, the better I feel.
I would love to know what other tools and “agreements” have worked for others navigating this big world of social media. What advice would you offer to a future blogger?
The Basic Trust
The days here in Santa Monica lately have been the most magnificent days imaginable ~ bright blue skies, flowers bursting with sweetness, sun prickling my skin with the perfect intensity of heat. Yesterday – as I was riding my bike, browsing the farmer’s market, and walking Tilda, I thought about the days of my childhood, when the most effective deterrent against my misbehaving was the threat of being sequestered inside. It was my mission as a little girl to spend as much time as possible outside, so when it came time to show me the error of my rambunctious ways, I had to stay inside.
It is the kind of days we are enjoying now that bring me back to those afternoons spent drinking out of a garden hose, riding my bicycle, and exploring every nook and cranny of our neighborhoods. I’m not sure there is anything else in the world that makes me feel so free – there is some kind of perfect swirling of energy when it comes to cloudless skies, the faint scent of jasmine, sparkling grass just drenched by a sprinkler, and a particular kind of warm breeze that loves to wash over the contours of southern California now and then. These details create an irresistible pull, a beckoning that I couldn’t ignore if I tried. I had to be outside yesterday, for as much time as possible.
Inside I am trying to keep the waters calm – to let the drops plop down where they may on the surface of my consciousness and allow the ripples to flow out naturally. Our family and household is, as usual, dealing with quite a lot these days, and while I can say it is mostly good, it also has the potential to churn things up and knock me way off balance if I allow it. My mind started to splinter in a hundred different directions today on my morning walk with Tilda, and I immediately silenced the voices through the simple act of looking up, and letting the deep swoosh of the wind filter back into my awareness.
Nothing is wrong, it is just life. And I am choosing to put my best efforts towards sinking as deeply into these experiences as possible rather than trying to get myself even one step ahead of them. As Chogyam Trungpa says, “The courage to work with ourselves in this way comes as basic trust in ourselves, as a sort of fundamental optimism.” I will know what to do when I am called upon to do it – with my work, my family, and even little Tilda. In the meantime, the sun is outside my door – calling me, pulling me, showing me the light.
Donations
Keeping in line with her mission to inspire others, Christine has supported a variety of philanthropic endeavors. In-kind donations have been made to the Santa Barbara Hospice, Meet the Music, and The Dream Foundation. She has also contributed to Wrap Up Africa, the Seva Foundation, the Susan G. Komen 3-Day, Direct Relief International, the Clinton Foundation, and many others.
