Step
January 26, 2012
I have been receiving a number of notes and comments lately about one role I play but haven’t spoken of much ~ stepmom. I have hinted at it here and there, and written of some of the ups and downs I have experienced in this role, but for the most part kept it on the sidelines of what I share online. I have a strong sense of privacy regarding my family, but at the same time know that the stories we have created together are among the most meaningful of my life. Now that I have decided to at least try to create a narrative of our journey, it felt appropriate to claim and declare this particular title of mine more vocally.
So here it is ~ I am a stepmom, and my family and I always laugh when we use that word. Because the first half of that word ~ “step” ~ always feels incredibly foreign to us. Not only because age differences (or lack thereof ~ my husband’s son is just four years younger than I am), but because all the accepted images and ideas of a “step” couldn’t be farther from the truth of our existence as a family. This has not come easy; it has taken years of work, commitment, trust and mindfulness on the part of all of us to get where we are. But that work ~ the work that I am still called to do almost every single day ~ is my Life’s Work. It is more important than Swirly, more important than book deals, more important than anything. It is my greatest passion, my proudest achievement, what I value more than anything else in the world.
The word family used to feel like a four-letter word to me. For most of my life I believed I was not meant to be a part of one, as every one I had known fell apart for one reason or another. I am still getting used to the idea that this is my family. Even saying “my family” in a sentence sometimes feels odd. I am still sometimes pulled back towards the old way of thinking ~ that this isn’t real, that it will fall apart, that one day some detail will shift just enough that everyone will realize I’m actually not part of this family, and kick me out to the curb. These are real fears that I struggle with all the time.
So when I say this is my Life’s Work, what I mean is this: That in those moments of prickly tension within my own heart, I am determined to choose joy. I made a commitment to myself to always move towards light, especially within the circle of my family, and this commitment has worked. It requires focused attention, determination, and it often requires me to stay the course towards joy even when my fears are breathing down my neck so fiercely it alters the pace of my breathing. It is daily work, it is challenging work, but it is my most important work, by far. It is work that enables me to say with confidence and joy ~ I am a stepmom, and this is my family.
I’m not a stepmom, I’m just a mom of two teens but life sometimes pulls me into relationships that feel like family but have no label. I have a niece who is 10 years younger than I am. She is more like a sister. I was maid of honor at her wedding, we were pregnant at the same time, have kids the same age, and connect in a profound way that has everything and nothing to do with DNA. When I was only 15, my first boyfriend’s mother treated me as part of the family, even after her son and I went our separate ways. Decades later, I still have connections to this family.
I am not estranged from my sisters but we rarely see each other and don’t keep in regular contact. I have friends who are like aunts to my children, and my children have bonded with the children of some of my childhood friends. My kids refer to them as their “cousins.”
All that to say that the labels we have for “family” often don’t fit the reality, and sometimes the family we find and the family we make is even more lovely than the blood ties we share with others.
“Family” is always an interesting word, and as much as you worry that this family will fall apart, I imagine that is the reason “step” families get a bad reputation, because everyone is feeling that way and putting shields up to protect themselves from being hurt. But truthfully, “step” is just short for “next step,” as in “this is the next step in my life.”. What becomes of it has nothing to do with titles but instead how people choose to channel their energy. Obviously you have chosen well and the result is nothing short of beautiful. Hopefully others will be inspired to choose as you have and make their “nest step” family every bit as incredible.
Bravo x0
Thank you for sharing something you keep close – for sharing the truth about how you feel. I may or may not have said this before, but your blog (i.e., you) always seem to have something that meets me where I am and brings me what I need. I am grateful for this and for you. xo Jennifer
Dear Christine -
I’m so glad – and envious and a bit resentful, too, if I’m honest – when I hear about “step-families” that find their ways to healthy-ness & love & growth. It is one of the great sadnesses of my life that my marriage didn’t succeed in part because of the challenges of being a step-family. I tried so hard — I tried to be my best Buddha-Self — I tried to be fair to myself and I also tried to be what my husband needed and what my young stepdaughter needed, too. I tried to “move towards Light” but ultimately my husband wasn’t satisfied with my efforts (how much of it was my “fault”? – I don’t know) — and those years became some of the worst of my life. Thanks for “listening” – I don’t know many other step-moms I can talk with about my experiences – so I guess I spilled it a bit here.
Best blessings to you & your family!
And P.S. – I have a terrific boyfriend now.
Peace, Erika