The Race

Photo taken in Big Sur.

Photo taken in Big Sur.

I am known, in some parts, as a woman who gets things done. I am a do-er; I am someone who takes immediate action. Sometimes this involves, well, doing things and other times it is an exercise in stillness. The latter is exponentially harder than the former. Action that involves movement and motion comes naturally to me. A decision that requires me to say no, sit still, and do nothing - not so much. 

I touched upon this topic over at Modern Creative Life earlier this year, and my musings of that May contribution have continued to swirl around in my mind ever since. In that entry, I started a conversation about discernment - an exchange with myself having to do with always feeling like I'm on the verge of some down time, only to have my calendar fill up about sixty seconds later.

The day-to-day experience is like this: I wake up, and immediately check to see what time it is. If I'm up and about before 7:00am, it's considered an early start. If it's past 7:30am, I've slept in. If I sleep in beyond 8:00am, it's a miracle. It's not that I'm terribly concerned either way, it's that the first few moments of my waking hours are spent calculating what the numbers on the clock mean to me and how they shape my day. I live by the clock. I am constantly checking it, monitoring it, and revising what can get done when and how much time I have left for whatever task is in front of me. The short version of this story is that I feel like I am in a race against time.

I don't consider this some great hardship, as my time is taken up, for the most part, by beautiful, meaningful efforts. But what I am having an increasingly hard time with, and what my body is, at this point, basically screaming at me about, is that race against time thing. Somewhere deep inside, a weariness has started to develop. In trying to extend myself in so many directions, I feel myself slowly but surely being drained of my most potent energy. 

So I am experimenting - with new ways of being, with less frequent glances at the clock. I am catching up with old friends. I am getting back into a writing routine. I am trying, step by step, to take an entirely new approach to time. I am beginning to construct a new landscape that brings all the different rivers my life is currently traveling on into one wide channel. It is a slow process, and a delicate one, but as I always say, every step matters.