I am at a loss as to what the best metaphor is for what the past few days have been like for me. Have I turned a corner? Am I diving deeper? Have I taken a wild leap forward? Am I blossoming? I actually believe it is a much simpler experience. It is just me continuing to move forward and stay true to my priorities, my vision, my goals and my heart. It is just me doing whatever I can to make each step count. I tend to falter the most when I am not focused. Without specific direction and tools to get there, I float here and there, perhaps having fun and getting a few things done, but hardly living up to my potential. It is becoming apparent to me that I have been in denial about the difficulties of working at home alone, thinking that because I have been doing it for a decade now, all must be well. In facing the negative cycles I have been repeating this past year and finally deciding to take action to deal with them, I see certain patterns. I see issues that I have ignored, or perhaps wasn't even aware of. Either way, I am beginning to solve certain puzzles.
Beyond the details lies the most important clue: that I am an artist. Sounds obvious, but for various reasons I find myself trying to run away from this at times out of guilt, fear or feeling like I need to live up to someone else's expectations or definitions of success. How powerful voices and beliefs other than our own can be sometimes. Actually, how powerful we often allow those other voices and beliefs to be.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world." -Nelson Mandela