Not Yet

P1010090 "Even though the acceptance of what is happening may be confusing, just accept the given situation and do not try to make it something else...just see it, perceive it, and then abandon it." -Judith Lief

Maybe I take it all too seriously, always trying to make the best possible decisions from a place of acceptance, silence and compassion rather than fear, anger or desperation.  On a bike ride this morning - taken for the express purpose of exhausting myself in hopes this would quiet all the voices that have been clamoring for my attention over the past week - I thought about how much easier it would be if I just didn't care about these things.  Wouldn't life be simpler if I just took the easiest path possible and avoided serious thought on anything?  Do I make things more complicated than I need to?

I think the answers to these questions are a resounding yes, but I am afraid it is not in my nature to blindly wander through any kind of serious decision making process, such as one that involves a canceled trip to Tibet that had been in the works for almost two years and the possibility of heading to a new destination somewhere else on the globe.  Throw in a handful of other travel companions and two travel agents and that's a lot of people trying to make sense of one another's motivations, desires, fears and frustrations, not to mention their own.

I have been expending a great deal of energy trying to put on a brave, enlightened face and sink as deeply as possibly in a space of acceptance.  While there have been brief, blissful moments of quiet - when I have been able to hear what my heart has to say - for the most part all of this uncertainty has made me feel pretty cranky and frustrated.  When I close my eyes, take a deep breath and visualize everything melting away I experience a deep calmness, but then I open my eyes and my mind starts racing again and the cycle gets stuck on the repeat button.

The back and forth that has been going on in my head over the past few days is whether or not to shift gears entirely and head to India in early May, when I was supposed to be in Tibet.  India is at the top of my list of desired destinations and I was beginning to believe the universe was conspiring to get me there sooner than I expected.  When I let my mind wander and my excitement take over, I was ready to book a new flight, but in those tiny in between spaces - when I take those deep breaths and listen to my heart - what I am hearing is that now is not the time.  Going to India is so important to me, and I do not want to go there under circumstances that feel so frantic and desperate.  I can sit tight and give myself another string of months - not even a full year - and go there when the weather will be milder and I have the time to create a journey that is less about running wild on adrenalin and more about soaking it all in quietly.  Maybe I am making a choice that is too timid, but at this point I'm willing to lean on the less adventurous side in order to stay centered and focused.

I have decided not to make any other plans...for now.  Once a few other details in my life get worked out, I just might jump on a plane to Amsterdam or Ireland or somewhere on earth I've never been but that, at this point, will most likely be a tad easier and low-key than Delhi and the Taj Mahal.  Or I must just stay home, and take the time I was to spend trekking through the Himalayas to explore more possibilities for my book and new territories in my studio.  Right now I want to simply be still, and when the wind stirs up again, I will let it take me where it wants.

I will be in India.  But not yet....not just yet.