How to Raise a Puppy

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The Tilda Bear from Christine Mason Miller on Vimeo.

Well, I've got it ~ the topic for my next book, as I'm now clearly an expert who is enjoying nothing but smooth sailing with my perfect little puppy Tilda.  Cesar Milan better watch his back, because as I'll demonstrate here, I have got this whole thing down.

How to Raise a Puppy ~ Part One

1.  Invest in Petco stock and have a shot of tequila before you go there for the first time.  The number of leashes on display alone can send the most stable, grounded person into a fit of paralyzing confusion, especially with other dog owners and their yippy, yappy dogs trotting all around you.

2.  Take the rest of your savings and invest it in Johnson & Johnson, as you'll use up boxes of Band-Aids faster than I can type "razor sharp puppy teeth."

3.  Always take the time to appreciate how wonderful it is to be able to sleep in as late as you want once your puppy comes home with you.

Oh wait ~ my bad, I was caught up in one of my latest obsessive fantasies...

4.  Get ready to experience a new level of gratitude and appreciation from people like your dry cleaners.  They're going to make a little extra income thanks to all the torn pants you'll be bringing in for repairs.

5.  Make sure all of the following are above your puppy's reach at all times:  Food, newspapers, toilet paper, shoes, clothes, books, cell phones, suitcases, blankets, pillows, plates, rolls of masking tape, art supplies, laptops, cups, rugs, bowls, folders...

I could try to list every item in our household here, but I think you get the picture.

6.  Be prepared:  The poops only get bigger.

7.  Remember:  A puppy that runs! and runs! and runs! and runs! will soon be sound asleep, and then, for a few brief hours, you'll have your life back.

8.  Buy your puppy dozens of toys, because you can't imagine the joy you'll experience knowing you spent all that money so she could romp with your plastic watering can more than anything else.